Black Vs White

Bring me home

2011-06-09T08:57:00.003-05:00

This might just be one of my last posts in a long long time. I haven't found much motivation to talk about anything at all. Maybe it's because I just grew tired of talking. Every other conversation is filled with little awkward pauses here and there, and I find myself too lazy to think of anything to talk about or ask about. Gone were the nights of endless chats and giggles. Maybe someday when I stop being such a sloth, I'll find that self again, and live.

Stepping out of the plane, I was so excited I thought I was just going to combust right there and then. Instead of being the usual wait-for-everyone-to-leave-first me, I marched right up the exit and then endured another painful half an hour or so for the luggages to arrive before I finally stepped out into the arrival hall where my family waited for me and greeted me. I took a step out of the airport to test and see if what my friend told me about the humid air suffocating her is true. The air felt heavy but definitely not enough to suffocate me.

It might as well have suffocated me right there and then. I love home, the comfort of family and all the food I have been craving for two years. But as I lay on the bed every night waiting for something exciting to happen, old familiar feelings build up inside me. Feelings I haven't felt for two years, feelings I've forgotten I ever had. A little lost, I wondered if I still belonged. I long for something, and I'm not quite sure what. Maybe it's the distance away from A.Chu, and I have forgotten how to handle distance. Maybe it's the part of me which cannot stay at home and do nothing all day. Maybe it's because none of my friends are around in Melaka. Maybe it's the other part of me which thinks too much as always.

Past feelings are haunting me as I sit around and wait for this something I long. Just as I've been waiting before I left the country. It's a little like deja vu. It's also quite surprising that I've pretty much lost my interest in cooking since I came back home, like how much my interest in cooking only started in the States. Is this it? Have I lost my purpose?

Flowers Gleam and Glow, Let Your Powers Shine

2011-04-14T17:11:00.003-05:00

SPRING! It's finally really here, although some couple of weeks ago it was still pretty chilly. But chilly is the best. Not too sunny not too cold. Spring is the time of the year when I'll be in the best of my moods. =D

Frozen yogurt with Poppings, oh so good. =)

While the flowers are blooming and birds are singing and squirrels are chasing each other, I'm currently working on my portfolio (my first one omg) and trying to get into an art class (yay) next semester. Drawing so much in a week makes me realize that, man, this is tiring! Plus - where do people get their inspirations from anyways? I've been stuck with nothing to draw for the past couple of days, only to resort to drawing some still life stuff just to have some varieties in the stuff that I'll be presenting. Too many portraits surprised me because I am just so bad at drawing humans that I avoid drawing them altogether, USUALLY.

I guess my friend was right. I don't want to be a fine art artist the rest of my life. Too tiring, too mundane. And I hate details. I can do it, but I'll get bored of it. (thank god for psychology!) No matter, I still do want to learn to draw better. I still dream to be a photographer.

I look forward to the end of the semester (not for Summer weather though), to Midwest Games, and to home where all the wonderful sinful food are. ^^

In the right place

2011-03-11T18:08:00.005-06:00

The problem with me is that I focus so much on the things that I am not good at/feel bad or unhappy about, so much so that sometimes these thoughts blind me from all the other aspects of my life. In psychology, this is a type of cognitive distortion called mental filter, or even disqualifying the positive. *pysch nerd mode*

Psychology is probably one of the best choices I have made regarding my academics thus far. It is something that came about from a very forced, do-or-die situation, but it has proven to be great so far. For someone who evaluates herself so much, perhaps even excessively at times, psychology has definitely opened my mind about how I am seeing myself, or how I should NOT be seeing myself.

For example, how I tend to feel that people are constantly judging me. Based on what's happened with my academics. Engineering to psychology. Not exactly the ideal asian parent's or asian kid's ultimate-huge-moneymaking course or profession. This is also the reason why I've tried to restrain from talking about this change to people around me. They are my friends, but in my little mind at the back of my little head, they are constantly seeing me as incompetent and lazy, resulting in my situation today. That might probably not be true at all, because they ARE my friends, and the reason why I am brooding about how people are viewing me is probably because of the nature of myself as a pretty judgmental person in the first place, which is regrettably quite sad but true.

It's hard when people are discussing engineering terms and I am no where here nor there. I kinda know and I kinda want to say something, but I also worry that I might say something incorrect (based on my somewhat shallow knowledge of engineering materials) and end up just looking stupid. That's the ego in me. Believe me when I say my ego is about the size of a guy's ego. And we wonder how I get along so well with guys without a clash of ego.

But when I think about it, life has never treated me better. Sometimes I want to yell out to the world just how happy and contented I am today. Yes, I have failed in engineering and I have let down a lot of people around me in the process of trying and still failing. I've let myself down, most of all. And just when I thought that all is lost, here I am, still alive. I never expected another chance, but here I am doing psychology. It's funny how psychology was just one of the courses that I just looked past when I was skimming through the list of courses to choose from when I was applying for the scholarship. This was the mentality - engineering, medicine, architecture. Nothing else. I never imagined that I would be here, reading about brains, how people think, and why people become sad or happy. But then again, I never imagined I would be in the US either. You know how some people always say that education should be about learning, and not pure studying? This is how I feel today in contrast to how I felt half a year ago - it's like life telling me that it has all these planned out for me after all. Things like this brings me back to what my friend has told me long long time ago - "If things doesn't go your way, God has other plans for you." In my case, "Life has other plans for you" would probably fit my situation more.

Everyday now I remind myself how lucky I am to have failed my engineering course - the irony of it - and how lucky that I have had my first relationship breakup, because right now I feel that I am finally in the right place with all the right people and the right life.

These Dreams

2011-02-20T02:46:00.006-06:00

I get frustrated and upset at the most unreasonable things. I was at work today and did not have any proper lunch, for 6 whole hours - cravings for assam pedas and Malaysian food just got more and more intense as I sat through that 6 torturous hours, and stupidly looking at more photos of mouth watering food, wishing I was at home and had the luxury of just taking the car out to Kota Laksamana and getting a hot piping bowl of assam pedas with my favourite steamed rice, salted egg, and vegetables.

There, I just got myself hungry again.

I got off work looking forward to heading home to cook something up for myself or heading out for dinner with some friends, but when I found out that my friends had some very late lunch and were not planning to have any dinner, my heart sank to the bottom of the Pacific Ocean and I got pretty upset because, putting aside the months and months of dreaming about assam pedas, I really just want to eat.

It was really unreasonable of me. Really. I just get so cranky when I get hungry. Restless. Upset. Unable to focus. Vandalizing every single thing I can get my hands on. It gets pretty bad, like PMS.

But everything gets better when I get my hugs and my food. Rice. Korean Al-Tang (fish egg soup) will do for now. =)

My boyfriend said that my blog is wayy too emo. But my last post was happy (and about him!)!

Valentine's Day- aside from being a year since my first date with my boyfriend (first real date with a guy in fact), first time receiving roses, and first Valentine's where I don't have to sulk at home because I don't have a date- is just one of those little things that continuously reminds me of how much I have in life today, how much happier a person I have become over the past half a year (even though I still feel cranky about stupid stuff), and how much more contented I am today. So much to look forward to, so much to feel happy about. It may not exactly be living my dreams, but there's just too much to be contented about that it doesn't really matter (like Korean Al Tang and a bf's hug when I am sulky). I'm definitely not the same person as I was last year. Glancing into a year back, it's just sad if not shocking how insecure, unhappy, and untrue to myself I was. How did I get so sad, so unhappy?

I am glad I've given myself a chance. See darling, I am happy and not emo! =)

1. Happy and thankful for everyone who came and tried to surprise me for my 21st birthday, ESPECIALLY the creme brulee!!

2. Happy and thankful for close friends that helped me through so much, aside from the GOOD FOOD that was offered during our CNY celebration together! Would totally like to go over to Indiana again!

3. Happy and so thankful for a thoughtful boyfriend, who has made me happy from the beginning. Thank you for the Elmo darling!!! =DDDD

Being 21

2011-02-10T18:09:00.005-06:00

The purple stars continued staring at me night after night, as I stared back into them every night, trying to fall asleep. Some of them dimmed away, but most of them stayed with me. Can they read my thoughts? There he was fast asleep, and I didn't know if I should shake him up a little.

So many thoughts, it was impossible to fall asleep. Exams. Electric bills. Finances. The pile of clothes left at my own room for the last two months waiting to be washed. My eyes were tired, but my mind was running everywhere.

I told him the next day, I didn't know how to be an adult. There are too many things to consider. How did my parents do it? It's scary thinking about it. I figured that it would probably be how it is right now, staying so far away from our parents and handling about everything on our own. It scared me a little to think that I might not have anyone to refer to in the future. Who am I going to talk to when I have doubts?

I looked at the scarf that I finally finished knitting and put it on him.

He looked back at me. "I don't know either. But in any case, I'm here for you."

Not to be said

2011-01-26T01:47:00.003-06:00

Oh darling, I am just as scared as you are.

Hope is a good thing

2011-01-25T23:45:00.003-06:00

It is hard to concentrate on anything right now as I am just waiting everyday for a verdict and an answer. It only seems to me now that as I am picking up the pieces again, that I am just wandering around aimlessly. I only wish for my reasons to be understood, and to be given another chance, and not be judged upon only based on what seems to be true. Seeing is not always believing, says my psychology professor.

Being 21 didn't really feel much different to me, except for the realization that I am now an adult with a mindset of a teen still. So much has changed, so fast, in the past couple of years. I also seemed to have lost a lot of my tolerance for small petty things and I get angry too fast. Too judgemental, despite not wanting to be judged now. It's ironic. But it has also helped me see so much. I was vulnerable, weak, and stupid. These days when I lie down on the bed and try to sleep, I can't help but feel so grateful with how I'm blessed with so many people who care for me, back home and here. That however far down I fall, I know I am loved. And sometimes I wonder, is this good karma, or is this God?

Whatever it is, I am thankful that despite what I have had to deal with and as things look a little bleak now, I still see the sunshine and the rainbow.

Thank you everyone for the birthday wishes and presents! Andrew and my housemate had a surprise birthday party planned for me the day before and despite me not being completely surprised (who still gets surprised about birthday parties nowadays anyways), it was awesome and heartwarming. I am just overly suspicious of EVERYTHING on my birthday. Like how he didn't want to let me go home (after work) to change into something nice for our dinner that night (how can right! 21st birthday must let me wear nice nice ma!) and got me all emo, and like how he didn't want to rent a DVD and watch a movie with me at home after dinner (it was only 9 and he said he wanted to sleep!!) and got me even more emo after that. Turned out that it was because everyone was preparing and waiting to surprise me when I get back. =)

Heh. Must think of better excuses next time so that I don't emo on my birthday lah! =P And I still haven't gotten my 21st birthday drink!

Here are my resolutions:

1.) to lose 13kg by May (REALLY WORKING ON IT ALREADY OK DON'T LAUGH)

2.) to try my best to get a 4.0 (or 3.5 and above) for my psychology subjects

3.) to be less bossy when it comes to the bf

4.) to appreciate people around me more and not let anyone down again

I had a lot, but I temporarily forgot them as I blog (as usual duh).

Chinese New Year is approaching again. EXCITED!

Let me.

2011-01-21T16:14:00.001-06:00

All I am asking is for some trust and a chance for me to prove myself again.

Will the sun rise tomorrow?

2011-01-15T04:07:00.003-06:00

These days, I seemed to have lost my words. I hardly know what to say or talk about anymore. Everyday I would look at my blog and think, oh I'll talk about this, I'll talk about that, and in the end lose myself in some other stuff that I do like chasing after a Singaporean drama series and refurnishing my boyfriend's apartment.

It has come to a point in my life where I worry that I will not be good at anything at all. The thought that I am not good enough at everything that I am possibly good at wouldn't stop haunting me no matter how many times I've been told that people who are good at something will never think that they are good enough. All my life I have believed that my passion lies in art. Today I doubted myself. I became scared. What if one day I discover that art isn't what I am most passionate about? What if I discovered that I am just not good ENOUGH? What if I am not good ENOUGH in culinary arts, photography, painting, designing, and all the stuff that I dream of doing? What if one day I discover that I don't like these fields better than I like engineering?

Maybe it's catching up with 21, when everything isn't just "JUST do it" anymore.

Despite all those thoughts, today was quite an optimistic one. I have a plan, a course of action, and with all gratitude, I have the support I needed.

So glad that I am done uploading all the millions of photos from my California trip on facebook. Time to sleep!

And once again

2010-12-31T14:23:00.002-06:00

Wishing everyone at home a Happy New Year!! Note the awesome date - 1/1/11. =D

Greetings from San Francisco for now! Will be back soon!

As I am trying

2010-12-14T20:19:00.004-06:00

What I would miss most from the US:

-the weather

-the cookies

-the Subway

-the JimmyJohns

-the Starbucks

-the insanely large portions of food

-my room

-the snow

-the shopping

-the Halloween

-the Christmas

-the cars-yield-to-pedestrians

-the CUMTD busses

-辣子鸡丁

-the friends

-the boyfriend ='(

What hurts the most

2010-12-07T16:12:00.003-06:00

is that we've shared so much together, laughed together, did so much together, and most of all loved. What hurts is how much I have given and trusted.

Does that all mean nothing to you? How could you do this to me?

Fine then.

2010-12-02T19:21:00.003-06:00

Unappreciative. Ungrateful. Stingy. Calculative.

What about your mistakes in which I so willingly paid up for because I WANTED TO SHARE THE BURDEN. Now go ahead and just make everything difficult for me. Just push me to a corner.

rawr.

Thankful For

2010-11-29T09:18:00.004-06:00

Even the one week break was a hectic one. I must have lost more sleep over the break than during normal schooling days, with guests, dinners, Chicago, and shopping.

I would be proud to admit though, that I've spent so much less on shopping this year. A lot of money goes out to good food though. There were two pair of jeans, a shirt, and some uber colourful socks (because I decided to be colourful) and a LOT of good food. Good food more important than shopping? HMM.

Last year, I had this.

My oven wasn't able to fit the entire turkey (thanks to lack of planning and thinking ahead) and I had to cut it open to fit it in, which results in a not so nice turkey. Also, it was my first time making one, and I followed a recipe online to be safe.

This year, I've checked my oven and made sure the racks were adjustable so I can fit the turkey in, and I've also basically used my own instinct and recipe (that I've used to roast a chicken before) to marinate and roast it.

It turned out SO beautiful I could cry.

I'm a happy cook.

Also, we had Honey Glazed Ham, which I learned how to do with a little reference from online recipes, some advice from my aunt, and ideas and help from Andrew. It turned out even better than the turkey I would say, and it was just A.M.A.Z.I.N.G.

I also made some mashed potatoes, which I did some trial and errors for two days (that means two days of mashed potatoes for dinners before the real day LOL) and had help and improvisions from Andrew. Also amazing! Never thought I could do mashed potatoes ever. I always thought it was difficult for some reason. =P

Then there's the eggnog, that Andrew improvised and made it with his own recipe. Have I ever told you that he's amazingly good with drinks and desserts? Everyone was so thrilled since not many have tasted eggnog before. Amazing. =)

We also had a pie. Lemon Meringue. We tried doing it twice before the real day, resulting in throwing away 2 whole pies. In our final attempt during Thanksgiving itself, I really thought that it would work that time. After baking, it turned out so pretty. Who would have thought that it was still a failure. We cut it open, and couldn't figure out why the filling wasn't as hard as it was supposed to be. That was the one failure of the night. Even so, I took it out and had some people who stayed back to try the meringue. The meringue was definitely good though. =)

I wouldn't brag, but this is definitely one of my most successful dinners since I came over to UIUC. More like, most successful WESTERN dinner. =D

I'm a happy cook. Thankful for the wonderful food, all the help from everyone, friends who came over, a wonderful break, family, friends back home, still being in UIUC, sleep, and the wonderful boyfriend who did so much for me over the break, hardly got any credit for it, and most of all made me so happy for the last few months.

Now it's time to focus on the 2 lab reports, 1 research paper, and 1 homework that are all due in 48 hours. Wallah!

Little things

2010-11-14T01:20:00.001-06:00

Random notes left on my dry-erase board. =)

Just Saying

2010-10-31T22:12:00.004-05:00

Every time we hug and part ways, the little bit of sad tugs on my little heart, as if we won't see each other tomorrow or a few hours later. I can't really put into words what this feeling is. Am I getting too used to being around people that I have forgotten how it is to walk home on my own?

It's always bothering me how attached I can get to people and how much attention I might need. Every time I get too used to being around certain people, not seeing them a day or two leaves me lost. It affects me so much, I try so hard to hide it but I always fail myself. The moment I let someone in to my life is the moment I forgot how to be independent. I want to be pampered and have people cheer me up, but wouldn't that be a little too selfish of me, to expect them to know and selflessly care, to let myself and my little pathetic emotions get in the way of their lives?

In the midst of everything going on - exam, endless homework, labs at 8 a.m., halloween, work, family, friends - I can't really tell what's bothering me so much, or upsetting me so much. My life is as good and wonderful as it can be right now, yet it is as if something is missing. What is? Why does it never seem to be enough? I don't know what else I'm looking for, or what I want right now. I don't know if I just want to talk to someone, or be around people, or have friends to study with. Or perhaps it's just too much of little troubles and I just need some rest. A week off would be good. I want to sleep in, cuddle and talk and laugh in bed. I want to go to bed early, and wake up early to have breakfast downtown. I want to sit by the window and read a book at my own pace. I want to go on a date and get flowers. I want to watch a movie. I want to be pretty.

I keep telling myself, it's only 3 more weeks to fall break. 3 more weeks to catch up with a little bit of rest and to sleep-in. I just need a little bit of strength to keep going on and do my best for this test I have tomorrow. But with the mental state that I'm in, I'm not sure if anything I read or study would actually stay in my head.

People are clawing their way to be at the top, I'm just trying to stay afloat and figure myself out.

Overambitious.

2010-10-23T17:07:00.002-05:00

Wish I had more time.

Torn

2010-10-20T14:10:00.002-05:00

JAY CHOU IS COMING TO THE US OMG.

How how how how how how how how how how how.

What about my Florida trip. Omg howw!!
I am so torn.

Florida or Jay Chou? Florida or Jay Chou??!!

Speaking Out

2010-10-15T13:43:00.002-05:00

RHET lecturer: You might be better than you think you are.

Me: *blush*

Beautiful Connection

2010-10-14T19:11:00.005-05:00

It's the wow when you realize that hey, somebody who has grown up with you is - MARRIED. How did time go by so quickly without you even realizing it?

Like, really?

It's also the feeling and realization that you're overseas and was unable to be at home to be a part of the whole big thing. I remember always joking with my friends that I'm waiting for this to happen so I can dress up and look pretty. And now it has happened, and I am just here, just here looking at the pictures and wished I was in them.

And then it's realizing that you have a sister-in-law and your family has just gotten a little bigger. It's looking at those pictures and seeing how much my little sisters have grown, and how much older my dad seems to be now. And that my brother - well he's my brother, now with a wife.

It's being drown in guilt realizing how caught up I have been in work and thinking and telling myself that I would call home the next week, week after week, then pausing and thinking, how many weeks have gone by?

It's the homesick. Not just missing the food, or the environment. It's missing the family - the constant nagging from my dad, the perpetual and random hugs from my youngest sister who never seem to grow out of her manja-ness, and the pushing around by my brother.

Marriage. It has always been my soft spot. It's too beautiful and too happy. It's a family thing.

Congratulations, kor! And Ah Sou! (I was told that I only call Tai Sou if I have more than one elder brother) Wish I was there!

Photo courtesy of Teo Cheng Yong's album. Couldn't find any taken from my own brother's camera?

WOW

2010-10-13T00:20:00.005-05:00

I came back from work, a little exhausted and slightly annoyed at the one guy who is always there every time I have my shift in the library, who kept asking me if the printer is out of paper when I have told him again and again that NO it is not, he just has to wait for a while for the printer to process the job.

And then I remembered that my grades for my Fluid Dynamics is out already, probably on Monday. I just didn't bother to check it because I felt that I did quite badly in it. I decided that, well I'll have to look at it sooner or later, and that I'm prepared for the worst.

Click click click.

O.O

75.

Check average.

73.3.

WTF.

LOL!

HAHAHAHHA! =D

p/s: It's not an A+ score, but really, this is good enough for me. :D Oh also got back my RHET paper. Got an A! Happy! I love writing class!

Purple Stars

2010-10-12T02:21:00.006-05:00

The week has just started to get busy again with lab reports coming right up after the stream of exam last week. It was not as tedious and stressful, except for maybe Statistics. With Stats this semester, I've probably found that one thing I hate more than engineering. It's once again one of those many things that me and A.Chu differ in in terms of liking.

I just don't get how anyone can get high doing math and counting probabilities with so many different distributions - something I just can't seem to understand the way it functions, no matter how hard I try. But that's the boyfriend.

Last Thursday brought me to tears of exasperation as I was struggling to understand Statistics. I've just came back from a very easy engineering paper, and was feeling so happy about it, that for once I might have done well in an engineering paper. I came back with the entire afternoon to revise Stats. Do you know how sometimes you think you know what you're supposed to know, yet you have no idea where to start once you look at the exam questions? I could not do the sample exam questions at all. It's frustrating how it keeps happening to me, that no matter how much I've been explained to, I can't connect. I did not know what to do and how even my Statistician boyfriend could help me. I gave up, and took a nap I really needed.

He woke me up an hour later, with everything he thought I needed to know, everything he knew I might forget (that I kept asking him every single week and never seem to remember), and every possible example he can think of, in 4 pages, handwritten.

How is it possible for me to disregard this guy for so long? :')

As he is fast asleep under his strings of purple stars, I hear him snore and look around at his more than messy and unorganized room, and I think that this, this is happy.

A Quick One

2010-10-07T11:06:00.003-05:00

I'm restraining myself from feeling overconfident for my exam later and convincing myself that I still need to look at certain parts of the text that I might have missed or would risk forgetting. Exam is in one hour.

But maybe I should catch up on some breakfast.

Or blog.

As much as I would like to be as jolly and bubbly as I actually am in real life or as I used to blog 3 years ago when I started the blog, I seem to have lost the ability to blog happily. Much. I think my blog is too filled with words and nonsensical rants that nobody wants to listen to anyway. Then again, it's probably because nobody reads anyway (HAHA) so I've turned lazy. =P

SO. Okaylah let me put in some pictures and blog like how I used to 3 years ago. Blog needs pictures.

Picture of my room! Pink curtains and mini lights is *heart*!!

Also, wall decal that I spent 2 tiring hours cutting out every single little piece. Including the tiny leaves. And flowers. But oh so rewarding when I finally put it up! (and my room is not actually THAT pink, it's just the reflection from the curtain, and probably the camera lightings)

And we had lots of cookout sessions.

In this one, A.Chu cooked his now famous pig trotters, which I did not touch, at all. Not that it wasn't good. I just. don't. touch. There are amazingly so many different things we like and hate haha. For example pig trotters.

And of course, our one week late Mid Autumn Festival. I seriously did not know how I managed to find time to organize my own party last year. I barely had time to do anything this year! Bought the mold for the mooncake but didn't get around to making any. Kuih rose too. I just have NO time for any special occasions/parties this year. =(

And I just ran out of pictures. So not only am I lazy to blog with pictures, I have also become lazy to take pictures.

An hour to exam! Lunch!

A bit of happy

2010-10-06T15:44:00.006-05:00

This is me today ---> ^_^

I'm feeling pleasant. I have TONNES to study for my exam tomorrow. But I am ^_^.

Weee.

I think it's the sleep. Sleep is good. I don't feel tired. Getting my hours back on track. Waking up early. Being hardworking at work. Boss said thank you. Meeting the boyfriend. Happy. Happy.

=)

I can afford to stay up tonight. I'm so in the mood. Oh and coffee. Yes coffee.

This is one of those simple, normal, NICE days that I can smile and study and hum to myself. Just nice and plain. =)

4.32 AM

2010-09-29T04:31:00.000-05:00

Did you change? Or did I just not know you when I thought I did?

As we.

2010-09-24T02:42:00.001-05:00

My heart raced.

This me.

2010-09-21T22:16:00.003-05:00

These days, Sundays = no sleep, thanks to the stupidly long lab report that is due every week. Since I have homework due every day of the week, the only time I have to do my stupidly long lab report would be the weekends. =(

And then when I get no sleep, I get so tired. And so emo. And so frustrated. All I want to do is sleep.

At the end of the day, I really want a huge hug and someone to talk to. But being me, I just end up pushing people away from me and pretending that I am okay, when I really wish that they'll ignore what I say and just come for me.

=/

I have issues.

Well. Let's hope I get some sleep tonight.

Give me more time

2010-09-12T03:05:00.002-05:00

I'm going o.O looking at the lab report I am supposed to write by Monday. This is my first 20-over pages lab report and I am trying to understand exactly what we're supposed to write that's going to take up 20 pages. Sigh. Engineers.

But I'm very semangated! I can do this!! *refills coffee*

Raya celebration tomorrow. Housewarming tomorrow. Definitely wrong timing. Too much to do, too little time! Let's see if I can stay sleepless for a week. Yes, the workload is definitely starting to pile now. @.@

GO YUINYI GO! :D

Motivation

2010-09-11T18:21:00.004-05:00

The light tapping sounds of the student on the keyboard filled the air as he worked his way through his assignment that is probably due on Monday. It's the weekend and there are not many people in the lab. Out of the 40 workstations lined up in the lab, only two were occupied, and one more as another student walked in, with his white hoodie, a backpack, assignments and determination.

I've done my rounds, pushed in the chairs, wiped the workstations, arranged the keyboards so that they look perfectly lined up from the first workstation to the last.The sun is going down as the end of my shift approaches. The golden sunlight peeks in through the blinds. Just one minute later, they're gone. It has been a quiet day at work. No one has asked me any questions today, and I am glad. Ever since I started working, I've been stumbling through the job, trying to get answers to questions from students. It's just not as nice and easy as I thought it would be. Why does the computer says it needs a command line to print? Why does Firefox says it's already running but not responding? Why isn't any sound coming out from the computer? First of all, I don't even know what's a command line. I sighed inside, and tried my best to look as if I know something. Let me take a look, I said.

It's stressful to not know. Everyday at work I prayed that no one would come to me and ask me something new. That's how I am, too comfortable in my own comfort zone and often, stumbling and afraid whenever I come across something unfamiliar and unknown to me. But if there's no one to ask me something that I don't know, there's no way I'm going to learn about that something. That's also, most of the times, how I learn. By experience.

Maybe by tomorrow, I will know how to answer another question. Maybe by next week, I'll be able to answer another 10 possible questions. Maybe by the end of the semester, I'll be able to answer more.

Give me time, I'd like to convince everyone, I'll be able to do this.

Doubt

2010-09-06T01:02:00.001-05:00

What am I still so afraid of? What is stopping me?

Employed

2010-09-01T00:41:00.005-05:00

I GOT THE JOB! :DDDD

Income $$$$$$$$ coming in every month now! :D *happy*

I can finally stop worrying about finances. ^^ ALSO MEANS YEAR END TRAVEL! WOOHOOO

Hypocrisy

2010-08-31T02:02:00.003-05:00

Leaving home a year ago was leaving all my wounds, all the drama behind, and starting fresh again. Coming to a completely new place, and making new friends, forming new relationships. Having the slightest bit of hope somewhere in my heart, that perhaps it would be less complicated, and everything would be simple.

I stepped foot here with a backpack. My two huge luggages, filled with my clothes and all my other necessary stuff were left behind at the airport as my flight got cancelled. It was about 2 in the morning when I took the first step out of the somewhat old, empty and overly priced bus into Champaign. The air was as fresh as the fresh start I've wanted.

My first few months here was completely happy. I met some people that I grew close with over the short period of time. Some people I got very attached with. To me then, there was no drama. Everyone was nice. Everyone was happy. Everyone was honest and true. I've never been so happy and contented since I can't remember. While some of my friends who went to other states and universities for their studies complained about unhelpful seniors and having to do a lot by themselves, I was grateful that the people here were really helpful and kind. What else could I ask for? I loved all those moments hanging out, having people for dinner at my place, and all the laughter during the weekends. To me, we were all just completely unprejudiced towards each other. I did not see much drama going on, and I was happy. Maybe things could be simple.

But then again, people say I'm too trusting. Or maybe I just jump to conclusions. It takes time to see what is really going on. It takes time to realize and see those stories that has BEEN going on since before we get into the picture. We don't see it at first, but as times goes by, as we get to know a little bit more here and there, and putting all the pieces together, we begin to see what's really going on. It's as my math professor said, seeing the forest despite the trees. or maybe it was seeing the trees despite the forest.

I've never been happier, yet I have never been more disappointed in the things I see. It's not back-stabbingly severe, but the acting and prejudice alone are too much for me to handle at this point. If I step out and make my point, will anyone listen to me? Or will I just fall victim to the acting, hushed gossips, and prejudice?

Or perhaps, am I just as hypocritical?

Summer-Fall

2010-08-25T01:37:00.003-05:00

I've gained some weight. :(

Time to hit the gym again! Played some badminton a

nd swam about 20 laps today. *tired*

Oh and wish me luck in my job interview this Thursday! Maybe if I get the job I'll be able to go somewhere end of this year? :D

First reading material from Rhetoric 105 was emo. :( But I think I might just like that class. :)

My self-decorated lamp. *heart*

The humongous burger that we had one day during summer - too unhealthy. But looks good, no? :P

The cinema we visited in Chicago just the other day, when we went to pick up a friend. It was near the airport and it was beautiful! It was the best cinema I've visited since I came to the US and the seats allow you to lean back! :D

This is one sampat moment. I wrapped him up with toilet paper and drew a face on it. XD It was really difficult to take this picture because I was laughing so hard I couldn't keep still.

This one was taken after he tore it up - like a monster.

The house has been a little too quiet lately.

I no longer feel it - or am I just suppressing it so much?

Interesting stuff in class today

2010-08-23T12:29:00.000-05:00

Fluid Dynamics, which has a pretty interesting lecture, although it sounded a bit tough. My lecturer from Spain showed videos of the Spanish World Cup victory, bombs, rockets, airplanes, and.. this.

Closure

2010-08-10T14:55:00.003-05:00

Perhaps this is only for the better. It's funny how we had exactly 5 months together. I wouldn't say that I've not considered putting an end to things. But I was just too weak to make that move. It's the literal pain I feel that made me so weak. Do you know that pain, invisible yet so strong it felt like it is suffocating you every night? Everytime I even consider walking away, I feel that pain.

It was a stupid mistake from the start. I never should have even given in an inch when I was already determined to start afresh and back on track. I was once again, weak, stupid, naive. Today, I looked myself in the mirror and asked, "why are you so stupid?". I made the same mistake twice. Sometimes I wonder why I keep doing this to myself. It's just too exhausting. I guess my need for attention and his need for non attachment exhausted both of us out.

Everyone has tried to stop me from hurting myself for the past two years, but I've trusted my heart and not my mind. Perhaps, as a friend has said, being with someone you love with all you have isn't always the best and right thing to do. Because that someone needs to be able to love you just as much. That someone, needs to learn how to love in the first place.

A lot of people probably think that I am an idiot, and I can't help thinking that I am one too. Making the same mistake twice. Letting myself be so open and so vulnerable. But is anyone in love reasonable at all?

For something that I've went through so much shit, tears and pain for, anyone would have thought it should be stronger than this. Who would have thought that it should be so short-lived?

I think that this is the time I stop allowing myself to get hurt and disappointed. For 2 years, I have given, loved, laughed, fought, and cried. It's time to stop all the drama. My tiny heart has been crushed over and over again, I think it needs some healing now. For I deserve better, and I know it. This is not the first time I am going through this, and I should be able to get myself back up soon enough.

Both times, I have seen and felt the love and care from my friends. Times like this, I cry not because of a broken heart, but because of how grateful and touched I am for the friends who stood by me, however far away they are from me. Sometimes I am ashamed of myself for not being as good of a friend as they are to me. Perhaps I am also just as selfish as he is, so who am I to blame him.

I wished I can say that we are still friends. But right now, I just can't. You know how some people say there'll be a guy you always go back to. This is the guy, and this is the guy I cannot be friends with for my own sake. It's not that I hate him. Not really, it's just that right now, I need to think and care for myself. It has been way too painful, and I think I need to be away and get some closure. Perhaps we would meet each other some time in the future, and perhaps then I will be ready to smile and say hi. But that time is not now.

Call me a drama queen, but right now I need to learn to stand up again, and it should be with no mention of this guy I loved so much.

Lesson number 1

2010-08-06T00:57:00.001-05:00

Never set your moving date the day before your two very crucial final exams.

GG.HAILAT.COM

Wednesday

2010-08-04T20:35:00.005-05:00

Today I moved some furnitures I inherited (lol) from some seniors who lives several blocks down the road from my new apartment, to my new apartment. Who would have thought one standing lamp and two boxes were that hard to carry down 4 blocks. But then again, I wasn't the one carrying a a bookshelf and a TV shelf. And nope, the stupidly crazy weather did not help. I swear I got sunburnt by just walking out around campus today.

It reminds me of what Alfred from The Dark Knight said, "Some people just want to watch the world burn." or something along that line. There's no relation. I just like the way he said it. :P

My chest hurts now. And I feel really tired. How to study you tell me. How.

And I have postponed my trip to Michigan. So I've decided to spend that one extra week I'm going to be here to be artistic. I can't wait to move in to the new house and start decorating my room!

I really want the string lights like this.

Isn't it the prettiest thing ever? YES IT IS!

And I am planning to (if I am not too lazy) to try to do some wall decals on my own, because buying it is just so expensive!

I can't wait! :D

Still trying to figure out how to get my Domo army on the walls, since I can't paint the walls.

HMM.

"Officially" moving tomorrow.

By the way, I don't think I have officially introduced my second blog yet. It's called Cooking is Great! (lol) and it's just a bunch of us Malaysian students who love cooking and crave for Malaysian food and out of random decided to have a blog together yay. (yea who knows can be famous one day as food bloggers and earn money weeee~) Go visit for some yummylicious photos and recipes! :)

Kthxbye. :)

Turbo.

2010-08-02T01:59:00.002-05:00

OK YUIN YI 5 MORE DAYS. IT'S DO OR DIE. SPAM STUDY TURBO HARDCORE!

Ipoh Bean Sprout Chicken Rice 芽菜鸡

2010-07-30T23:02:00.004-05:00

So it was Andrew's birthday, and since I did not have any gifts prepared in advance, (no time, no money) and since I feel bad because I won't join the guys to the bar (drinking, since he is officially legal now =.= ), I told him I'll cook anything he's craving for (Malaysian food duh).

We went from :

Steak - it was pretty good the last time I tried making, but one turned out REALLY raw but Andrew gobbled it down anyway =.=

Pig's Trotters with Ginger and Black Vinegar - a Cantonese dish, I think they serve it to pregnant ladies a lot, but I won't ever eat it (EWW!) so we decided against it although I wouldn't mind cooking it.

And finally chicken rice - I cooked it for the first time during Chinese New Year in February, and it turned out pretty good.

So it's chicken rice. And Andrew requested for "SHIT LOADS OF BEAN SPROUTS - A LOT A LOT A LOT", I've decided to try out Ipoh Bean Sprout Chicken Rice or 芽菜鸡 in Cantonese.

With the recipe from Rasa Malaysia I am proud to present,

SUCCESS! (it doesn't look much different from the previous one, but really, it's better. A lot.)

I think it turned out so much better than my first attempt during Chinese New Year. My first attempt was okay, but it was a bit sloppy - slightly raw in some areas and a pretty messy presentation. Practice makes perfect huh. I'm proud. AND! I cut the chickens (we had two chickens) on my own! The last time, I had a senior help me with it as I never knew how to cut a chicken. I know my brother cuts chicken like a pro, but that has always been his part of the job when we're cooking at home. Well. More practice and my chicken cutting skills would be perfect. :D

Yay I'm full. And sleepy now. *contented*

I still have a lot on the list of food I want to try making. Like Creme Brulee. Mille Crepe. Hotdog buns. Chee Cheong Fun (which I did try but didn't turn out very well - need to improvise). Yau Char Kuai!

Food glorious food!

Flushing

2010-07-29T03:38:00.005-05:00

As usual I am in the middle of doing my assignment which is due in about 8 hours and I suddenly really miss the hustle bustle of Flushing, New York.

I was told that Flushing was the "new" Chinatown, and it's getting even busier and livelier than Chinatown itself. During my stay in New York, I've been down to Chinatown a few times, more than I have been to Flushing, because my friends were crazy over Chinatown - the egg tarts, which I have to admit was really good, the Chinese food, and.. well the Chinese food.

But for some reasons, Flushing left a more vivid memory in me. Maybe I haven't explored Chinatown enough. Or maybe it's because I was exploring Flushing with my sister, without much of a guide except for our own sense of directions, and mine sucks by the way.

I remember visiting boutiques - they actually have MNG, the only one I've seen so far in the US (perhaps they just don't have it in Illinois?) - and passing by the stall which supposedly sold very good fried chicken. We wanted to stop by, but it was just too long a wait. And we found our way to Curry Leaves, where I gasped at Kaya and bought it immediately, and grabbed the one last curry puff on the rack. There was also another Malaysian restaurant where I ordered my favourite Kangkung Belacan (which was really pricey btw) and Wat Tan Hor. We went around, and I gleamed at Chinese herbs and spices, and bakeries. I love bakeries - the egg tarts, and hotdog buns! We also saw a lot of Chinese New Year stuff as the new year was approaching. I imagined decorating my apartment here with everything I saw, but I also remembered I only have one luggage bag which will not fit all those stuff.

It sure was lively, and some parts of me wished I'm living in New York, and not Champaign. Well a huge part of me wished so. I've randomly picked some photos off Google because I didn't take any photos in Flushing - I can't believe it too =.=. I wished I did.

Maybe one other reason I remembered it so well was because it was the entire day hanging out with my sister. We rarely do that, and it was pretty fun. :)

I would really like to go back to New York some day.

Domo Vs Elmo

2010-07-28T23:20:00.004-05:00

Counting down - 10 more days to finals - and moving out.

11 more days to love. :) *jumps around* This reminds me I still need to go retrieve my tickets.

10 days to study hardcore!! *huuuuuaaa*

Also, I have a sudden obsession with Domo-kun. I had an idea to draw lots of tiny Domos on a white wall in my room one day - DOMO ARMY! :D

AND Elmo. I kept telling everyone I wanted an Elmo for my birthday but my birthday came and went and no one gave me any Elmo. Sad. Pout.

I'm trying to decide which is cuter. Can't decide how!

Make Me Wanna Die

2010-07-23T22:13:00.005-05:00

Sometimes, (most of the times) when I wake up after a long nap, and it's dinner time, I sit down and stare at the computer screen for a long time deciding what I should cook for myself. I usually end up starving myself trying to decide. It's 10 pm now and I haven't exactly decided what to have for dinner yet.

Also I'm still pouting for being scolded (or at least that's how it feels like) for something stupid. Or for doing something stupid. Well the point is, people don't usually get upset about this stupid thing, and usually it's more of a joke to anyone I know, it kinda caught me off guard when I felt like I was being scolded for it today. So why am I pouting, I don't know. Probably because it just doesn't feel good. Sucks. It's just like how you attempted a joke that made people laugh most of the time, and then one day you get reprimanded for even attempting that silly joke.

And I am finally going for my next movie marathon tomorrow. Because I feel sucky right now and I really wanna go catch those movies. I've been hearing all these talk about Inception and how good it is. My boyfriend says I probably wouldn't understand the movie anyway (=.= meanie) but I really still need to watch it. I will give a shot at understanding it. It's a marathon tomorrow because I am also going to watch The Sorcerer's Apprentice and Salt, which I have been waiting for a long long time. Angelina Jolie kicks ass.

So I was chatting with a friend. He somehow ALWAYS misspells the word "Melaka".

Him : Melacca no pokemon one ar?

Me: It's MALACCA.

Him: MALAKA!!

Me: MELAKA. MALACCA. NO MELACCA OKAY WTF.

Him: Eh isn't the malay word for angel something close to that?

Me: It's NOT. It's malaikat. Wtf.

Yes we tend to type in caps to indicate shouting. And we do that a lot. Malacca has pokemon by the way.

Oh. Check out Make Me Wanna Die by The Pretty Reckless here.

After much self reflection

2010-07-19T00:35:00.002-05:00

I need to:

1.) Make a point to go to the gym at least 3 times a week because now I can swim 1.5 km (I have to keep it up before I become too lazy!)

2.) Put aside some cash every time allowance comes in so that I don't have to go through the same shit I put myself through every three months

3.) Work hard and focus on my goals so that I don't have to go back to Malaysia anytime soon.

4.) Grow up

5.) Stop making excuses for myself

6.) DO something

7.) Stop feeling sorry for myself

8.) Stop being naive and stupid. Grow up.

9.) Get a back-up plan

I've talked to people and learnt some harsh realities. I believe I'm the kinda person who knows exactly what is wrong with herself, eventually. When I do something wrong, I usually know. When I am being taken over by the 7 deadly sins, I know and I feel the guilt afterwards. I just need to start being the person who actually does something to right the wrong. My wrong. For the past few weeks, I've been through a lot of self reflection moments, cried, pondered, cried somemore. I think it's time for me to get up and stop crying.

I'm working on it.

Strayed.

2010-07-13T05:05:00.004-05:00

In all those words of advice, she only saw the imperfections in her life and how far she is straying away from her plan. She knows what's been said is nothing but the truth, yet she wished she was understood more and not shoved with facts about life. All these things that life is throwing at her, she can't figure out. But perhaps she's just being petty. Well, what would you expect? Everything she has always believed in and has been proud of suddenly hits her in the face that it might not be as wonderful as she thinks it is. Really, she doesn't really know what she's upset about.

She just is. At everything, perhaps even herself.

Slow dance with me :)

2010-07-12T04:28:00.000-05:00

Rod Stewart has the most amazing voice. :)

Aaaand I'm supposed to be studying kthxbye. :P

Cookies and Cream :D

2010-07-10T14:31:00.003-05:00

Baking attempt 2 - succeeded!

I'm happy. The first time I tried to bake those soft big cookies (you know the ones you can find in Subways and everywhere in the US), it failed miserably. I am wondering if it is the oven. *pouts* That was a lot of delicious dough wasted there. So I decided to try on an easier one, chocolate chip cookies that are actually not soft. I've done some back in Malaysia, so I thought this should be easier than the soft ones. I even went to another friend's house to bake just in case my oven is faulty. It took me a few tries to get it right, but I succeeded! :D

Baking is not easy. The whole mixing and blending part was easy, the hardest part was actually timing and adjusting the temperature. And trying not to get it burnt. >.<

You see, that's why I like cooking. I can do it any way I want. I usually don't even need a recipe. :D

Anywaaayyysss.

Finals are in a MONTH. Did not realize how fast time passed at all. Wtf. And my hour exam 2 is this coming Wednesday. I really need to get it going and do better. Right now, I am going to need to focus, and then when all is over, I'm a happy girl! And I get to visit the boyfriend again! We just had a really sudden planning and I bought the tickets right away. :D

By the way. WHAT is with Paul the Octopus? And Mani the Parakeet? World Cup and the animals prediction. What. The. Hell. As interesting as it is with all the World Cup side entertainment nowadays, it's a bit wtf-ing also right. Malaysia should produce a prediction with orang utan maybe. XD

Final game tomorrow! Woo!

Stupid

2010-07-06T10:49:00.001-05:00

How much more stupid can this become.

Back-Up Plan

2010-07-05T04:55:00.004-05:00

Do you remember the last time we watched fireworks together? At the strike of midnight, we were right beneath it, and I was just looking right up at the fireworks, but really, I was looking at you.

It was the Independence Day, and it was really fantastic - the fireworks I mean. That was one of the best shots I had last night. Lovely.

I had a conversation with a friend, and asked him what he would do if he fails and gets himself expelled from school. He told me he would start playing pool professionally and if all else fails, he would just open a tuition center in Malaysia and teach math. That's his backup plan.

I realized I don't have any back up plan.

Studying to be an engineer WAS my back-up plan. I wanted to be an interior designer, I wanted to be an artist, I wanted to be a photographer. And engineering was the backup plan, in case those do not work out. But now I am under academic probation, and I am at the risk of getting expelled. Well I am pretty confident I can get out of it, but really, who knows. What IF I don't make it? What do I do?

I have no idea. All those talk about studying art, isn't really an option, because I will need the finances to support me through it, I will need creativity which I think I still lack, I will need to pay back JPA the scholarship that supported me in the US till now. So, has all those dreams turned into some sort of fragile back-up plans for my back-up plan?

I can do some comics - something I am exploring now. I can do some painting. I can take some photos. I can do some cooking. But I am not exceptionally good at any of it.

So, do I have a back-up plan?

Lullaby

2010-06-29T03:44:00.004-05:00

I have escaped to Blogger for a while to try to take my mind off some very frustrating units conversions that I SHOULD be able to do but it's messing with my mind right now. I feel like I am getting the hang of the concepts, and if I only practice a bit more I would be able to do it, but the only thing that I can't seem to be able to do is, surprisingly, the units conversions, most basic stuff of all. I am frustrated.

Priscilla Ahn's music is playing and it is bringing back some memories. I remember loving "Dream" so much although the lyrics are somewhat suicidal. Her voice is simply too soothing. Yet it brought back so much memories of tears, loneliness, and fighting back to stand up.

Today I succeeded in completing 30 laps (30x50meters = 1.5 km) of swimming and am a very proud girl. Even the boyfriend was amazed. :D Bikini body, here I come! :D After the great workout, we went to this Japanese restaurant called Ko-Fusion, which looks REALLY high class and NICE. The food to me was more creative than it was delicious. Well, it was delicious because it was creative. They were really creative with their sushi, and I was really excited and amazed, but it was a little too expensive for me. :/ Poor people eat cheap sushi one. And today, my love for Creme Brulee was rekindled! It is such a wonderful creation! I remember having it once back in Melaka when the boyfriend of a close friend who was working in quite a high-ended restaurant made it, and it was the best thing I have ever tasted. I am just really excited to try making it on my own! :D I get so excited about cooking and baking these days. ^^

And has everyone seen the Harry Potter trailer yet? It is BREATHTAKING. Please go watch it if you haven't! What's even better is that the movie will be available in 3D! Yay! Can you tell I am truly excited? :))))

Okay I'm going to stop wasting time thinking about HP and Creme Brulee. And continue getting frustrated at those damn unit conversions.

Oh yea. Someone please tell me if I should get my hands on those Polaroids. They look so good, don't they!

Dreams

2010-06-28T03:28:00.003-05:00

Dreams are fading fast the older I become. It seems to me that I remembered almost all of my dreams when I was still a little girl, and I never understood why my sisters could forget their dreams. But for the past few years, I've been slowly forgetting a lot of my dreams. I would be fully aware that I've had a dream the night before but details are just too blurred and hazy. I try to remember nice ones though, like when he appears in my dreams and we're just having a wonderful time, holding hands and everything seems to be perfect. Still, sometimes I can't remember all of it. Today's dream was awfully weird and a little scary. I was in the Union and walking back when I saw firetrucks lining up in front of the building, and people were shouting that there was a fire in the building. I peeked into the building and I saw fire, and for some weird reasons, gun shots. Like those flashes of gun shots you see in the movies. I ran back and I see flying dinasours from far. There was also something about a neighbour who had a crazy boyfriend and rescuing her from him. I remember being very afraid that she was going to turn evil because I saw it in her eyes. I woke up with my heart beating really fast.

It happens a lot when I nap in the evening. When every slight noise would wake me up and cause those rapid heartbeats. He said my dreams are like Disney movies. I don't remember Disney movies being so weird and disturbing. Well, he never liked Disney anyway. But it felt good and not so scary anymore talking to him, and listening to his lame riddles that made me laugh so much. When we hung up, it made me miss him so much. It happens all the time. Too many times, I would remember all the things I wanted to ask him or tell him that I didn't get to say or remember to say when I was actually talking to him, after hanging up. It sucks because I need to constantly remind myself to tell him the next time we talk, and then when we talk again, I always forget again.

Today was also one of those days where everything happens. Confused by what I might have been causing some other people to feel, thinking if I have did anything wrong, yet I was the one giving the silent treatment. Somehow I guess I already knew the problem. Sometimes I think I have to think about everyone that I am getting close with. I get comfortable and close with people so easily sometimes, that I often worry if I might have sent off the wrong signals. I need to stop doing that because I need to care about the feelings of others, and the world isn't so perfect. But sometimes life is just awfully lonely without these people that you can really get close with without worrying about anything.

On the other hand, I am also glad that some other things are still getting back on track and looks perfectly happy and hopeful for me. I would say that it doesn't matter anymore that others can't understand. They simply don't.

Today, I am a mixture of happy and a lot of other mixed emotions. Exams are coming up this week, and I really need to ace it this time. I am really scared, and pressured with all the probation stuff. (My dad already freaked out seeing the letter, which I knew would happen sooner or later) I am scared, frustrated, happy, and confused about everything today.

And I miss him so very much.

Really?

2010-06-23T03:40:00.006-05:00

I can't believe I am staying up to finish up my homework during Summer.

This goes to show how much I have procrastinated. And I have a LOOOOOONNNGGG day tomorrow! T.T

And! I think I have started a new project, just for fun.

Idea came from a friend who suggested I draw comics out of my own super bimbo self. (Bimboness has peaked during summer apparently) :D

Empty

2010-06-05T22:55:00.004-05:00

Summer has been well, summer. It's really warm, reminding me of Malaysia all the time. And people are not around. I have no classes, no work, nothing to do everyday. This always gets the worst of me.

I'm hanging on and spending a lot of time with the remaining friends here. Spending too much time and money in the recreation room. Spending too much time in the room. I need to get out of this place. It's empty, vacant, quiet, and warm. I sometimes feel like I am living alone here.

The most I can do is cook and make people come. The one thing I really hate about living away from home is when there's no one around and I am stuck in the house with absolutely nothing to do. I am a person who needs company, and I need to hear and see people around me.

I have a living room which is almost all the time abandoned. There's no TV. No one eats out on the dining table. Everyone stays in the room. I have a room all to myself. And a double bed with no one to share with and wake up to.

So I spend my days hanging around, trying to get out as much as possible. Going to the rec room almost every night, even though there's really nothing for me to do there that doesn't involve money. Spending my days thinking how to make things right. What to say. Filling the empty space. Holding on. Wondering what really, is right.

I haven't been blogging a lot lately. I'm always waiting for the right words to describe exactly how I am feeling. The right words never seem to come. It's getting so hard to blog. And it's hard to sleep when it feels so empty, yet I can't be sure what I am feeling. I don't know what I want.

What is this that I am feeling?

A bit pissed

2010-05-27T23:07:00.002-05:00

Exactly WHAT is wrong with hating drinking and playing card games?

I'm bored and my boyfriend is sleeping.

2010-05-17T12:35:00.000-05:00

Greetings from East Lansing. :D

What if trying your best isn't enough?

2010-05-13T03:58:00.001-05:00

I've got no strength to stop crying.

Religion

2010-05-11T18:14:00.004-05:00

I am hungry and waiting to go for dinner. Meeting up with Freddy who's going back on Friday and not coming back ~~EVER~~ till next year. And my final paper is on Thursday morning! Then I'm packing up and heading to Michigan. Yay!

Finals week isn't good for me. I am not doing very good at all. But I am doing pretty much my best. :/

I've also been very sleepless (which isn't good during this time of the semester!) - I don't know if it's me being to nervous and my brain's constantly wondering everywhere, or if it's the coffee. And then I started being scared, because the thought of "something" disturbing me came to mind. It sounds ridiculous even to me, and I was never a person who believed in stuff like this. Not really anyway. So I panicked and cried and calmed down, and had some chants playing in my room for the first time ever. Then I had a looong talk about religion with a non-Buddhist friend.

Whenever it's about religion, I am never too sure. I've been to temples and I've been to churches. I feel at peace at both places. But I can never really decide on what I really believe in. A huge part of me believes in Buddhism because I've been raised up to be a Buddhist, although not a very strong one. But I'm never really sure. And for the most parts, I guess I've always just procrastinated on deciding. Both makes sense to me. Deciding and weighing the logics of both is just too much hassle. Faith? Hmm. My friend said that religion is about experiencing it and then believing it. Truth to be told, I haven't had much of experiences in this.

I am confused.

And I was still sleepless after trying very hard to look for peace so that I can sleep and rest enough for exams. I did get some sleep last night though. Good thing. Maybe I just need to fix my sleeping schedule.

Right now, I need to go for dinner, come back and study and study and study (because I just wasted the afternoon watching Ip Man 2, which is super awesome. IP MAN IS MY HERO!), take the exam on Thursday morning, then pack up to go to Michigan. I've been counting down since forever! :D

Can you tell I am excited? <3

2010-04-28T22:46:00.002-05:00

I need something or someone to talk to. Don't judge me. Give me some kind of support and confidence I need now, because I don't want to screw this up for myself.

Stoned

2010-04-23T07:24:00.002-05:00

I hate it that I take up to 10 hours to figure out what people would take 2 or 3 hours to do, and still I won't be able to always figure it out.

I hate that I have to work twice as hard as others, and still suck like hell.

I hate it that I am stoned right now and my homework is still undone after 12 hours.

When words left me

2010-04-21T16:00:00.002-05:00

Lately I haven't had much to say. I just want to post up pictures and random thoughts.

So I created www.joeynyi.tumblr.com .

But this blog remains, for me when I have too much to say.

:)

***

Spent a lot of time crying silently last night. Working on the homework with Yik Han tutoring me and felt very clueless. I tried not to cry, because I tend to when I feel utterly stupid and useless. But I was crying and nobody saw. It was as tiring as crying out in the open. I came back feeling so worn out.

But I woke up feeling okay today. Went around looking for jobs. Felt okay until I started thinking about how broke I am now. I need a job!

I'm really hoping the allowance won't be late this time. Please?

Have to get through this week, despite the emotions and hormone imbalance. I hate hormon imbalance. It gets me all messed up. Hmph.

I'm figuring out how to be happy again. :)

It has always been

2010-04-20T19:45:00.002-05:00

Because just talking or even getting a text from you, makes everything feels okay. :)

Please

2010-04-20T15:36:00.002-05:00

http://cosmicolour.tumblr.com

I would really like to

2010-04-20T15:29:00.001-05:00

..paint this someday, during Summer.

Leave This Town

2010-04-19T00:34:00.004-05:00

I haven't been feeling very hippy and happy the past few days.

I'm grumpy and cranky and annoyed. I'm tired but I'm busy. I'm frustrated and not satisfied. I'm pouting.

:(

But at least Daughtry was fantastic.

17

2010-04-17T17:50:00.003-05:00

A story behind this photo. One of the most memorable moments. Funny but memorable.

Randomly joined a frisbee tournament without any prior knowledge on how to play the game.

Pink day. :)

Came across a picture of my now boyfriend - 3 years ago. *amused*

Randomly bought waterguns and have a watergun birthday party for the nanny.

Randomly hanging out at the court with a frisbee with two gals and two dudes. All makkaus.

Great times in Boston.

Forever messy.

I miss being 17.

Bliss is

2010-04-15T00:55:00.005-05:00

being in my own room, doing my work at my own pace (not having to RUSH my homework for now), listening to Keith Urban (love country music!), and admiring the John Mayer poster in the room, and missing the boyfriend.

:)

Despite being annoyed to the max by a bunch of idiots acting like jerks today.

Bliss. :)

Catching up

2010-04-13T01:20:00.008-05:00

Finally able to get away from all the work for a while - just tonight though. I'm done with the second rounds of exams, this time better than the first I would say, but not great yet. I'm just contented there's some improvement, or at least that's how I felt after the papers.

This is how my room looks like after a week of mugging and rushing homework in between.

Also, Spring is wonderful. I'm loving the weather, the flowers, the warmth. So a bunch of us went around taking shots around the campus - of the blossoming flowers and the sun and the alive quad. :)

If you look close enough, you can see they are fighting for the disc. I miss playing like this. :P

This booth gives out free condoms. And when we looked at it, it says Made in Malaysia. :P

Look! This quad is crowded!

Met this cute boy in the quad. Didn't get his name though. ISN'T HE ADORABLE!

I love this shot. :P

That's me! Note: I am not actually this short, I was just kneeling. :S

Nice one from Yen Yee, Karleng and Valerie. Awesome people. :)

This flower plucked off the trees near the Gregory Hall. I liked it on my hair. ^^

It makes me happy. We should really go to the Japanese Garden sometime. I have a feeling it will be wonderful!

And things I really want to do with this super awesome weather:

-BBQ! omg I have been wanting to do this since so long ago.

-more photoshoots! I really need to try joining the photography club soon.

-getting my ass out of my bedroom and into the sun while making sure I don't get tanned. XD

-working out in the gym! yes, got teman can go liao!

-swimming (not playing water)

I can't wait for summer vacation really!

Plus, some pictures from the Grad Night this year. It was awesome! Finally an event where I actually get to dress up. ^^ And just the night before, I found this super amazing dress in my closet - given to me by my aunt. I didn't realize it looked that good until I tried it on. :P

Yen Yee and I. It's so easy and often that people get confused between the two of us. XD

Yoong Jie and I. Small boy. :)

The emcee of the night, Andrew, also the ex Fly FM Myvi Trooper. HAHA

The girls. Without Puiyin, something feels missing. XD

Esvina and I, somehow housemates, since we go and stay at the Engineering Hall so often together. :)

Valerie doing her thing - Jacklyn Victor's Gemilang. Awesome. :)

There are more pictures that I would really like to upload, but I am just too tired right now and I am in need of some good sleep. :)

And tonight I get to sleep! :))

:)

2010-04-09T01:49:00.002-05:00

A good one month. And more to come. :)

<3

I think I should post up some Spring photos soon. After the exams. :)

Deadweeeek.

2010-04-07T12:36:00.005-05:00

This is a major dead week.

*yawns*

Exam in 1.5 hours time. I think I did my best studying for the most parts. So much that I didn't have time for homework. Which means, another all-nighter tonight, and tomorrow. Which means, I have been pulling all-nighters all week.

@.@

Later: I think I did OKAY in the test. Kinda worth it - the all-nighters I mean. :)

For the first time since what felt like a long time ago, I can say that I am at least not failing that paper. :)

Thank you, Yik Han for tutoring me! :)

Time to catch up with some little bit of sleep! :D

Gimme a car. :)

2010-04-05T12:02:00.001-05:00

I really miss driving and having a car to drive around.

Not so Good Friday.

2010-04-03T21:58:00.002-05:00

I don't know what has become of me, or what I am doing.

But it's not entirely my fault. I'm upset and that's that. I have my limits.

Happy Easter Sunday. Maybe I should paint some eggs.

Dreaded

2010-03-30T01:31:00.002-05:00

I don't want to go back to school! :(

Now I can't wait for summer.

For now, I'm just going to work hard to motivate myself. :)

AND,

Happy Birthday, DADDY! Love you! :)

Rindu

2010-03-27T22:53:00.000-05:00

What A Pleasant Surprise

2010-03-27T22:00:00.001-05:00

When I came back home last night at 2 and saw them, I screamed. :)

Bleehh

2010-03-26T20:22:00.005-05:00

http://theanimalblog.tumblr.com

I just want to be like this all day.

2010-03-25T02:57:00.004-05:00

I am very easily motivated. I think.

I am motivated when I am studying with friends, and I see how they can go on for hours, and just go on and on, maybe taking short breaks in between. Then I tell myself, hey, I can do it too. I am then motivated.

Sometimes I think that there's something in my head that keeps telling me, you can, just push harder. And then I tell myself, I can, I just need to push harder. I am then motivated.

I sometimes think about the promises I have made to my family, and how everyone is striving so hard and so well. And I can't see a way I can even consider giving up. I am then motivated.

My seniors tell me it is doable, and that they did it. So why can't I? So I tell myself I can do it too. Nobody is born genius. I can if I just push harder. That's what I tell myself.

But I am also very easily demotivated. When I work so hard and still get below satisfactory grades for my tests. When I realise just how much I hate what I am doing, and how I loathe the education system for not giving me the chance to do what I really want to do, and how I loathe the fact that I can't seem to find a way out of this. When I keep thinking that this is not what I am going to do in the future, ever. This is not what I am supposed to be doing. Yes, people say grades aren't everything. Sometimes I think that only applies to people who CAN afford to do what they want, are doing what they want, and are getting B to A range grades for their exams AND are not at the risk of getting expelled. It doesn't apply when you are under a scholarship and are at the risk of dropping out.

And people who complain about getting an A- or an A instead of an A+.

I am at loss.

But right now, I am again telling myself to just work harder. Because it just seem too far-fetched to give it all up. I wish someone could tell me I can actually let it go. At one point, I did believe I was going to do it.

But today, right now, I am going to try one more time, and see how it goes by the end of the semester.

Because now I've too much to give up if I give up. There's just too much for me to let go.

Wasn't it spring already?

2010-03-22T02:21:00.005-05:00

Spring break is ohmigod FINALLY here. I swear every single person I know in UIUC has been waiting for this break for too long. It didn't help much that so many of my friends from other universities had their break so much earlier and I had to be tortured by their vacation pictures all over USA.

Like the one in Disneyland. OMG Sanddy Wei Lun Alicia ChenKhuan Foongyi!!! Noooouuuuuu..!! Wei Lun had this picture of THE CASTLE at night, with awesome fireworks in the background. Omg I swear I almost fainted. I think I would if I see it in person. Gosh. It's like my childhood dream! I remember when I was young we used to have this video tapes (yes back when we still have video tapes) of Disneyland - there'll be stories, lessons, songs - kinda like a musical thing if I didn't recall wrongly. And there's Mickey and Minnie Mouse. Donald and Daisy. Snow White and the Witch - and the apple. And the part I loved most, was the part with the castle, and all the characters were just dancing and singing, so happily like they have nothing else to care in the world, and the song "When You Wished Upon A Star" was sung. THAT is probably my all time favourite Disney song. :)) And then there's the fireworks. Oh and Cinderella and her Prince kissed, on the cheeks because the video was meant for kids haha. I think that is still the most beautiful scene I've ever seen or dreamt of. The Castle. ^.^

I MUST go there someday! To be honest, sometimes I dream of getting married there. *daydreams*

That's the kid in me, that will probably never grow up. :)

But MY spring break is here, and I'm not going anywhere.

I know. =.=

But I am broke. So I'm trying to be REALLY positive and taking this as a REAL break. That means, I am going to sleep all I want. And study at my own pace (for the exam after the break sigh). And spend the day with Mr. Cuddles. :)

Oh yes.

Mr Cuddles.

:)

I am also waiting so patiently for everyone to be back. It feels so quite after everyone else left for some vacation. I don't like quiet sometimes. And it's cold too omg. It was like snowing again. Isn't it spring already???

Let's just hope it gets warm again, and I'll get to do my bbq that I have been wanting to do for so long!!

Oh and let's get the dresses and shorts out again! :D

I'll see you soon.

2010-03-12T03:28:00.003-06:00

We've fought so much over the past year. Cried. Said nasty things to each other. Stopped talking.

But now we're here. We're here. It seems so unbelievable to me even until today, that now I'm finally assured. I still look at the pictures and messages, thinking of the things you've said to me, and wonder, is this really happening? What if I wake up one day, and it's all just a dream, like how I've been waking up from these dreams I've had of you, so many times disappointed and wished I could just go back to sleep. I've been thinking for the past few days now.

But this is it. I know this is real. It's too real to be a dream. :)

Now that you're gone, I only have the pillows to hug. It was weird to walk alone the day I sent you off at the train station. It was so hard watching you leave. And when I come back home everyday I miss you even more.

But it's okay, because now I can think fondly of how it feels to have you hold my hands, and how it feels being so close to you. How you breathe so heavily, and how I notice how heavily I breathe too when I'm so close to you.

It's cute how you can be sensitive and romantic the ways I never thought you could be. :)

I love you, and will definitely see you again. :)

p/s: I'm making a collection of bears now! :P

Hello

2010-03-02T20:32:00.005-06:00

The book I want from the library is checked out until half an hour later :( So i'm taking this time to blog. I noticed my last post was.. ages ago.

I don't know if it's just me, or it's just been too tiring. All the rushing assignments and catching up lecture materials for exams is really too heavy. At least for me. And I've been reminded, in some very harsh ways how I have been complaining all the time. It has not been a good month for me. I don't want to give excuses for my behaviour, but I just want to be understood and accepted.

I'm making it a point now however, to stop complaining so much because I do realize how all these workload is taking the toll on me and making me such a bitter person. Hmm.

I find joys however every Friday. By Fridays, I would always be dead - zombie dead - and sleep past dinner time. But I like to make it a point to just go out and do something on a Friday night, since it would be the only night I would be able to find some time to laugh and talk happy stuff. :)

It's Tuesday now. Three more days to Friday! :D

As of Monday, Physics will officially end - with the final paper - and I will be a bit happier I hope! Carefree days seem too long ago.

Trying so hard to do so many things. Do you remember back then when we used to sit on the swings and talk when I tell you I'm sad and stressed up, but mostly I just wanted to spend time with you? Once I asked you what's the difference between me and her. I thought of that moment and can't help smiling at it. :)

It's three more days to Friday. I can't wait. :))

Silent sobs

2010-02-21T13:46:00.003-06:00

I'm in the engineering hall again, making it a point to finish as much as I can today. The weekend, is once again gone by Saturday morning. Everything is a rush. I rush to eat, so I can have more time to do my work. I rush to bathe. I rush to do those tiny little daily things.

I was trying my best to just keep my mind on the homework and not wander anywhere else on the internet. But I keep wanting to look everywhere on the internet, that might tell me what to do. Give me a solution. A hint. Make me feel better. I don't feel it there. I'm trying to find a single thing that would assure me. I wish I don't feel this deprived. And empty. Maybe he was right, how can I survive this, if this is how I feel? Such temptations to just move away and do what everyone else is telling me.

But how can I?

I was doing my homework, and I heard silent sobs behind me. I wondered if I should have turned and asked if she was alright. But I remembered that one time I was crying in class, and this guy beside me absent mindedly told me I should bring some tissue paper to class next time and do something about the flu.

But concern came later from friends I am growing to love. I stopped crying and can't seem to cry about it anymore. I tried, but I couldn't.

I wish we can talk about it and not argue. I wish we can stand by each other's decisions even though we may not agree to them. We talk to each other so seldom nowadays that we are boring each other out. Am I on the verge of losing a best friend?

It's lonely in the engineering hall when my friends are not here.

And spring is almost here.

One of those days

2010-02-18T06:09:00.003-06:00

Yesterday morning, I woke up feeling suprisingly fresh and energized. I dressed up, took some coffee, and I felt so ready for the rest of the week. And marches off to class.

I must have been home for only 5 hours max. Because I later spent the night in the Engineering Hall. And I am still here.

Tired, drained, and longing for the voice of love and support. And a hug. Huge long hug.

Another one tonight, and I can then catch some sleep and watch Valentine's Day tomorrow.

Counting down to the day I see you again.

And when you worked so hard

2010-02-17T03:04:00.004-06:00

My life has been reduced to pursuing homework everyday, every night. And this is with one subject dropped. I'm spending my nights either in the library or in the Engineering Hall. The moment I am done with my homework for the week, I need to start on my homework for the next week. My room feels so strange to me now, but I long to be back, in my world.

I cannot find the me time anymore. And I've changed.

I have become so stressed up, so sad, so nasty and angry. I complain too much. I am mad that the house looks like a mess and wished that I don't have to do the cleaning, because I am already working around the clock. But, who isn't? So I sighed and cleaned up. I don't remember how to be myself and smile.

Yesterday, I had what I felt like a sudden urge to run away. I stayed up on Sunday night studying for my exam on Monday and left the library for class in the morning. I sat down in lecture, and I wanted to cry. I wanted to run away and just have nothing to do. I composed myself, sat through the lecture, and went straight back home to just sleep. I skipped both my other classes and didn't even bother to hand in a homework.

I want a break. Can anyone give me a break?

I am working very hard here. But I don't see myself progressing any better. I am doing pretty badly in all of my classes, except for my art class. But I am working so hard. I don't understand. I am so tired. And I cannot afford to fall sick, because I need to do my homework all the time.

But thank you to those who have been with me through out the weekend, and everyone who talked to me. For staying up and talking to me. For sending me songs to make me happy. For sitting down in the corridor with me and watching me try to cry, and wasted and in the end fell asleep. For helping me with homework. For the poem, roses, understanding, appreciation, and the song dedications. And for coming and spending the awesome CNY dinner night with me. :)

Some pictures from our own "little" reunion dinner.

I'm struggling, but Happy Chinese New Year and Valentine's. :)

I'm Sorry.

2010-02-15T03:35:00.002-06:00

I don't know what to do anymore.

Why did I make such choices?

2010-02-05T03:48:00.002-06:00

What have I done with my life? :(

Do you understand?

2010-02-03T19:35:00.004-06:00

The days are just getting so much more tiring. My afternoons are torturing and I sometimes find myself wishing that there are night classes instead becasue I am so much more awake at night. I have been dragging myself through the week. Like a zombie. Every morning that I have dragged myself out of bed, I longed for the weekend even more. And this is what, the third week of class?

I feel like I am getting nearer to the point of exhaustion and I don't know how long I can take this. This thing about hating what you do. It's too exhausting. Talked to Mei Yueh who probably hates it as much as I do. I didn't even know what to say, considering my current standing right now. Would I be happier doing art? Would I learn to hate art 20 years later? I don't know I don't know.

All the choices - aren't choices for me.

About a week ago, I was told that a guy I knew by name, left the world by choice. It was shocking that he left, but by choice? Facebook walls were filled with sad, grieving messages. The emotions. I never knew him personally, but we've gone to tuition classes and I've seen him around since so young. I know so many people who knew him. It makes you think about the choices people make. I wished I could ask him why. I cried thinking, what if it was someone close to me? How did his family feel? How did his friends feel? I am that weak at handling emotions.

So understand that I am emotional and I get sad, and sometimes I have the rights to be sad without having to feel bad about being sad. I get sad at things that may seem trivial to you, but you might not understand how it can affect me and you might not understand why. But that's okay because I don't expect you to understand why. I get sad and I say things because I cannot be sad and not say it out. And when I don't mean to let you know, it means I am sad but I don't want you to know because of what you might think when you know that I am sad. Because what you think might not be true, and it might not be like that. Therefore I get to be sad and sometimes you don't have to know because you don't understand. Please don't make me guilty of being sad. It has been a tiring week.

*****

Enough sad talk. I will try to do as much as I can tonight. I have a crazy Thursday and Friday coming up.

And where is my money, JPA!

Being 20 and grumpy

2010-01-29T10:33:00.000-06:00

Lately, I've become someone so grumpy and angry. I get so irritated by stuff like classes, rents, love, friends. I've even become very forgetful. What happened to the me I knew?

Maybe its the classes and the workload. I am afraid for and of my own future. I dropped one class just so I can try to focus on pulling up my GPA for the time being. But what if I can't?

Money, as always, is another issue. Won't start on that, but I am working at it right now.

But I really don't like it when I don't have options. I don't like the stress. I don't like being pushed into a corner. And I get grumoy. I get mad at so many things.

I think what I need now is some company and nice chats that will make me laugh and forget all these grown up stuff. I need to find some joys in life again.

This week, I've remembered wrongly that I have lab, twice. I've also not realize my due dates. Today, I came an hour earlier to class.

Is this how being 20 feels like?

Hitting it.

2010-01-24T03:34:00.017-06:00

Yes I just hit 20. No longer a teen!! It's now TWO ZERO.

Just saying out the word TWENTY makes me feel old already. And YET. Not legal. I'm so stuck in between. Hah.

Freddy said, people who just came to US always like to think they have birthdays for TWO days. XD

So my birthday (Malaysian time) started off with me rushing off to the Physics lecture, and then rushing out and rushing to another lecture, and a party at night a a friend's friend's place.

Then we all gathered at Applebee's the next day, which was the 23rd according to the time here, and had a cake from ColdStone!! (which was very hard by the way because it was kinda frozen XD) :))

It was all pretty awesome, because of the people who made it awesome. Thank you everyone who showed up today! And Freddy too, even though you boarded the wrong bus (LOL are you sure you are a senior here?) and didn't make it. I totally understand. Heh.

So here's a list of all the people I want to thank.

My dad, sisters and brother, who wished me multiple times, and through all many ways - the calls, the texts, the instant messages, and the facebook email message where my dad addressed me as cutie (haha thanks Dad XD). My sister sent me a message on MSN like this:

LOL cute leh.

And I am sorry for not calling often or picking up the phone sometimes. My phone is sometimes too far away from me for me to hear it.

My aunt, and everyone in New York, for calling and looking out for me all this time. :) Sorry I tend to miss some calls!

Hafidz, for just everything up until today. You know I miss you and all that. I WAS a LITTLE disappointed that I couldn't speak to you, but oh well. There's nothing we can do about it really. But thank you. :)

Kelvian! My ~~girlfriend~~ SUPER AWESOME best uh, guy friend? LOL for wishing me more than twice even though I only asked for twice. XD And for the ELMO. I hope it reaches safely this time! And I know sometimes we don't agree on certain things, and we might not understand why we do what, but hey, it's 14 months! :))

All my best girlfriends! Jas, Shirleen, Michelle! You girls know I love you girls so much! :)) I wished I could spend it with you girls but we are all in different parts of the world. :(

My housemate Puiyin! For organizing the events today!

And all the other bunch of UIUC people - Sabrina, Huilin, Eric, Yong Siang, Yon Chiet, Hoong Chin, Kent, Freddy, Patrick, Meng Peun, Yik Han, Danny, Esvina, Jonathan, Kar Leng, Weng Seng, Chun Tian - for making it to my birthday celebration today! And to Danny and Esvina for cooking chicken rice for me tonight! I laughed so much tonight I think I am gonna lose my voice tomorrow. Awesome people! :))

Sanddy, Alicia, Wei Lun for actually attempting to call me at the strike of midnight just to wish me and talk to me! I am SORRY for missing the calls, and I know I promised to call back tonight but I left my phone at home ALL day. Gosh I WILL catch up with you guys like when I wake up later! I MISS YOU GUYS!

EVERYONE in Wisconsin - Kia Tzun, Hui Chin, Phin Ying, Li Xuan, Yi Sin, Micheal, Jon Mok, Hui Theng, Govind - for the wonderful card! I feel the LOVE! Who drew the cake anyway? It looks DELICIOUS! XD

Nico - for the books! Omg Thank you!! I love Calvin and Hobbes! And I have wanted to read a Cecelia Ahern book for sometime, but I never really want to spend on books, as always. XD Thanks!!!

Oh! and also Tony Wojkowski for agreeing to breakdance on Friday night! (nothing to do with my birthday really but Yay

And basically to EVERYONE else who wished me on facebook, MSN, email, text messages, or in person. I try my best to thank everyone on facebook, but IF I did miss anyone, I'm so sorry and THANK YOU.

This has definitely been a better one than last year, even though there wasn't any crazy party with lots of people. So I really appreciated it. :) I have learnt that it's not the amount of people, or the party that matters. It's who you're spending it with. :)

And please, stop telling me I am TWENTY. XD

Some Advices.

2010-01-19T23:30:00.003-06:00

Today the whole set of my desktop is finally here. (Yes so I am eagerly working on my desktop right now - and I set it up myself! *proud*) And I basically had to rearrange all my stuff to make space for the desktop (how I wish I have a bigger table). And you know, I was just really in the start-of-the-semester mood.

I was tidying up my entire room, making spaces here and there (making sure my table beside the window which I hate because it is so small and cold, has space so I can study), keeping stuff in boxes, throwing away boxes and all the unnecessary stuff, then finally organizing my calendar, going through my course outlines to see what is due and what is not, and then I saw this email from my Physics lecturer as an introduction to the course this semester.

At the end of the email, he included a collection of some of the advices from the previous students of this class. And a lot of advices are the normal ones you'd expect to see, like "read the lecture notes", "go to lectures", "don't get behind", "no last minute work", stuff like that. But there were some really amusing ones that I didn't know whether to laugh at them or worry for myself.

Student Advice From Past Semesters:

..
..
Don't rely too heavily on the practice midterms.
Pay attention during lecture and read if you don't understand, this stuff will blow your mind.
Pray. (PRAY????)
..
..
Review lectures ahead of time and do the readings.
Take physics over the summer at a junior college. (???)
..
Memorize the formula for surface area of the sphere. (Oh wow thanks.)
Reading the book and lecture notes ahead of time is a big help.
Change majors. (wtf)
..
Drop it now. (@.@) But go to lecture anyway because Kwiat is a cool guy.
..
Read the book.
The book is pointless. (wth so contradicting!)
..
You should read the book before lecture, go to lecture and take notes in the lecture notes, and listen to that guy in the bow tie. (haha nicely put. I've been informed that my lecturer is really cool, and wears a bow tie to classes. XD)
..
(and the last one) Buckle your seatbelt Dorothy, cause Kansas is going bye bye. (I don't even understand what this is supposed to mean)

Right. Now I am super ready for Physics. *faints*

Another Start, Another Chance

2010-01-19T01:19:00.004-06:00

Lately my emotions haven't been too stable. Probably because of the ending of the holidays and the starting of the new semester. It is all such a mixture of feelings. I'm really eager and excited for the first day of classes. It feels like a new beginning, which means another chance for me to do better and get better grades. And there's the Art class that I am taking. I really miss art lessons.

But! I look at my schedule and I go, "Okay this is a suicide mission. Suicide mission. Suicide mission." Not only is it bad enough that I am taking 18 hours, my schedule is so messed up. I have classes everyday that start at 8 or 9, and end at times between 3 pm and 8 pm. Wow. *dies*

The only thing I am looking forward to is the Art class. I have 5 heavy subjects. This means I will probably break down at least 5 times this semester. At least.

So my classes start at 8 tomorrow. I am trying to figure out how to wake up so early in the morning, especially since for the last one week I have been waking up way past noon everyday. Plus, let's not forget it is still winter!

Also. Today I was just completely pissed off and almost lost my temper. Some people are just too immature, selfish, spoilt, and lazy. And it gets worse when they decide to bullshit all night and not do any work while everyone else is doing something. It was too much tonight and still I kept quiet. And so this is where I suck. A lot of times I wished I have shouted, said what I wanna say, and just lost my temper, but a lot of times, I also didn't.

But that doesn't mean you can try my patience.

Some people need to learn how to shut up if they are just bullshitting and not doing anything while others are doing all the work.

Okay. On a lighter note. This is a conversation between me and Kelvian. Our conversations always amuse me to no end. :)

This is regarding him trying to choose a picture for his display picture on Facebook.

I say: AIYA u want u ma put as dp pic lor

I say: =.="

I say: also no need to ask me one

I say: noob

*nafKeL-V-En* says: LOL *
*nafKeL-V-En* says: ok la ok la..
*nafKeL-V-En* says: i take d monkey bar 1 la..

I say: lol

I say: okayy!

I say: hahaha

I say: monkey

I say: just like u

I say: LOL

*nafKeL-V-En* says:
*nafKeL-V-En* says: okay i dont change 1st..
*nafKeL-V-En* says: must act as tho i have a life
*nafKeL-V-En* says: n nt desperately waiting 4 new pics to set as dp

I say: =.="

I say: wtf

*nafKeL-V-En* says: wakakakaka

I say: like that also got

*nafKeL-V-En* says: tues only change..
*nafKeL-V-En* says:=P

I say: i must blog about this!

I say: LOL

*nafKeL-V-En* says:
*nafKeL-V-En* says: EYE KEEL EW!!

I say: HAHAHA

We like to act cute and act like we have a life. ;P

And my life starts/ends tomorrow!

Musings

2010-01-13T00:02:00.004-06:00

Talk about broken friendships.

As I look at her photos a bit longer, she looks different. She has definitely changed. Do I still know her? But when, when was the last time we saw each other, or even bothered to find time to say hi to each other online? It ended just like that.

It angered me that she never made any effort, while I did all the work. It angered me that, within the five of us, I seemed to be the only one making any efforts at all. And it was disappointing each time we had an appointment because there were too many excuses.

It also angered me that I have given up so long ago. That I cannot be bothered anymore.

Did she even know the day I flew off?

How can "Friends Forever" just vanished like that? I have realized just how fragile the friendship was. It was broken the moment I decided to stop calling. There were no arguments, no talk, no attempts to make up, nothing. We just stopped keeping in touch. How could something so fragile felt so strong once upon a time?

Would you even remember my birthday? Should I call you when it's yours?

It is always sad when I realize that the world isn't as ideal as I have always thought it to be. Like how fragile and impermanent friendships can be. People come and go. Sometimes, I care too much, and worry too much about them, but does it even matter to those people that I cared and was worried? Those are the times I realized that it didn't matter that those people matter to me, because I don't matter to them. Today we might be laughing together, but would you remember me tomorrow?

It is also times like this that I treasure people who stood by and stayed around me even more.

On another note, a Sikh temple is being stoned. It's sad and it's scary to know that this is the world we are living in today. There are too many issues going around and people need to sit down and talk about it peacefully, reasonably and actually find a way to restore peace.

You know why sometimes I don't read the newspaper? It scares me to know too much.

Hello, I'm Sick. And Happy New Year again.

2010-01-11T03:57:00.002-06:00

Remembering last year's Christmas and New Year made me smile. It wasn't perfect but it is funny thinking about it now.

I remember feeling frustrated when I arrived in my room on the morning of the first day of last year. It wasn't a New Year celebration I'd imagine it to be. I sighed and went to bed.

But about a year later, today, I think it was still worth smiling about. It was stupid and crazy, but it's so memorable, I don't know when I'll get another New Year celebration like that again. We were late, and ran towards the crowd just in time when the crowd cheered, "Happy New Year!". We stopped and stood right beneath the fireworks. How young we looked then. How long my hair still was. How *sobs* much thinner I was then. How easy it all was. I wouldn't have wanted to be anywhere else. And so, I miss you too, very much so. :)

This year, I was supposed to be joining the crowd at the Times Square. It was all excitement and a crazy crowd, but in the end I decided not to go and just stayed at home with the entire family. After a crazy week of walking, visiting, taking pictures, running, and shivering, it was nice to just stay at home - especially during New Year's Eve - and feel warm and cozy. :)

New York was all I expected it to be. I've seen the craziest crowd. I've felt the bitter bitter cold. I've also seen the part of New York that I like - less crowd, but still a city. And all the variety of food! I've seen Penang and Nyonya but have only been to Penang, which was superb by the way. I've savoured lots of Chinese food. And also lots of homecooked food. I've braved the bitter chilly wind to see the Statue of Liberty and the skyline of downtown Manhattan. I've made snowmen. I've also seen the Upper East Side a little. I've actually pretty much memorized the map. It's not as magnificent as I have heard, but it is also pretty decent. I like New York and everything it has to offer, just not the crowd. And the wait, every restaurant I've been to. XD

By the way, I found Maggi CHILI SAUCE!!! And BELACAN. AND KAYA. Those moments of joy and what felt like a lifetime of happiness when I brought them back with me. With the result of my entire luggage bag smelling of belacan. Hmm. It was worth it. :)

So right now I am back in Urbana-Champaign. Knitting away, knitting away. And making a point to finish the two books I started.

Slightly more than a week into the new year, I don't really have any resolutions this year. Or maybe I was just too busy exploring New York to make any. :P But for the new semester, I am definitely trying to do better. :)

Some shots and fun from New York. :)

Soon

2010-01-06T19:09:00.002-06:00

Will update soon!

In the meantime, Happy New Year everyone!!

Dead End

2009-12-16T10:51:00.003-06:00

I am sitting in an empty gloomy computer lab, my paper is in 2 hours, and for every 5 questions that I tried to do I messed up 4 and don't understand why.

I really wouldn't be so upset even if I am not the A range student. I wouldn't be upset if I am a B range student. I wouldn't even be upset if this is a C I am looking at. But no, this is not a matter of A, B, or C. I am looking at the possibility of me failing and having to repeat the course. Not that A B or C does not matter. But when I look at where I am standing, I wonder why some people have to complain about not getting an A.

Then again, looking at where they are standing, that's probably how I would feel too for not getting an A. That, would be me when I was in high school.

I didn't know when I started settling for a B.

I read and reread and tried so hard to understand the notes (that comes with as little examples as possible, seriously!) but I can't! Up to this point, I realize that there's something wrong somewhere.

It is either :
- me - TOO STUPID
- me - brain not developed to understand twisted physics stuff (cannot twist brain)
- me - making the wrong decision
- the education system that I was brought up with is just not good enough
- the education system that I was brought up does not tally with the US education system enough
- the lecturer thinks we're all too smart
- me - TOO PLAIN STUPID

I can't decide and spot exactly where the problem is. It must be all of it. Mostly I blame myself for choosing this major. My life is screwed because I made the wrong choice and because I did not have much options. And I have yet to get over that fact. I've always believed that people will only succeed in doing what they have passion for. Yet, I went against that and thought that I will be able to do this.

Every time someone asks me, "Done studying?" I feel very annoyed because obviousy, duh, no! And the same question will be asked repeatedly everyday about that same subject I am studying for, until a point where I get very annoyed. Mostly I think it's me being frustrated at myself for never being able to answer yes. Because no matter how much I try to study, I will never be prepared enough to say, "Yea I'm done. Next!"

So yes, I feel helpless and I have no clue how to sit for the exam later and feel good about it. It is 2 hours away and I really cannot do much because of how I feel right now.

Fire trucks that keeps passing by with REALLY noisy and annoying sirens are not helping either.

Feeling helpless sucks. BIG TIME.

It's one and a half hours away. I'm in a cold, gloomy isolated lab, looking at my notes helplessly.

White, pretty and light. The first snow. :)

2009-12-03T02:40:00.004-06:00

The snow came today, even though it was very very brief. (Freddy didn't believe me when I told him it was snowing! =.=) It just went shoosh, and then it's gone. I bet you could tell how excited everyone (that is, us jakuns who haven't seen a single speck of snow in our 19 years of life, until today) was. Once we got a call saying that it's snowing, everyone left the books and went straight for the balcony. There is was, white, light and pretty - the way I always thought it would be.

The neighbours must have heard our excitement, because they too came out to see the snow. It was a suprisingly friendly moment. We've never actually met or talked to them, and I never knew who were the people who hang out occasionally at the balcony beside ours. Tonight, we met them and it was a friendly moment when we commented on the snow, that was pretty but lasted only for a while, before we left the chilly balconies. I think we should really get to know our neighbours. :)

It was a little disappointing though, because we did not take any pictures when the snow was here. We thought it would last the entire night but we waited, and then it was gone.

I've always said that I really am dreading the snow. It's bad enough to feel cold, hungry and sleepy all the time, I really don't want to have to walk in the wet, cold and slippery environment. AND I have 8 am classes next semester. Which is gonna suck. Yes.

BUT. There's just this thrill because it's the first time. In 19 years. I even felt it as snow landed on my face. It felt a lot just like rain because it melted before it even landed on my face. But, it was really quite exciting. :)

All the excitement really kind of took away my mood to study. But it's not like I have any other choices. It's extremely torturing to force yourself to study, especially when three cups of coffee doesn't make you any fresher than none.

I wish I get to read blogs and not physics notes. I'm always delighted when I find nice blogs to follow. And guilty - because I tend to ditch my books for a while. :P

But then, at least I think I've found something that I can at least see myself doing as a mechanical engineer. Right now, I am finding my Computer Aided Design class bearable. It gets frustrating, but at least, it is the one class that I do not loathe among all my other classes. I can sit and spend hours doing the designs and get frustrated for all I care.

At least now the path seems a little bit clearer to me. But then again, who knows.

So, I am pretty happy. It's snowing, I have a rough idea what kind of engineer I would want to become (rather than my "I DON'T WANT TO BE AN ENGINEER I DON'T CARE"). Or one that I can at least enjoy however little. My Calculus paper was not a 50, although it wasn't as good as it was supposed to be. And the weekend is near.

I'm also looking forward to NYC. I think I am going to love it. :)

There's this thing about me. I am sleepy all the time, and then I drink like 3 cups of coffee, and will still be sleepy. And I will force myself to stay awake to try to study. Then when it's time to sleep, I can't.

Why like that.

Ok brief nerd talk. I also just realised that there's no homework for the last two lectures of my Physics class. Why like that! As much as I despise the homeworks, they are the only way I can understand anything at all! I want homework! End of nerd talk.

*sigh* Nevermind. :)

Mamak Day

2009-11-30T04:25:00.002-06:00

Today I had one of those chats that are just filled with gossips, talks about friends, past, laughter and coffee, with Pui Yin and Freddy. It feels like the American way of mamak.

I want to do this every week can? :)

And I am jumping around and headbanging to McFly's Don't Stop Me Now. I am in love with that song. XD

I want to talk about stuff, but I am too sleepy and in need to some sleep right now. This is what you get from procrastinating.

Zzz.

Friends, Shopping, and Laughter

2009-11-28T22:01:00.006-06:00

Our main purpose of going to Chicago this time was to meet up, and of course, the Black Friday sales. :D

It was the perfect getaway. Seeing everyone again was good. All those who helped me get through my final days in Intec with laughter. They still make me laugh like hell after half a year. Kia Tzun even commented that I must be crazy to laugh at his jokes that he himself didn't think is funny. =P

We laughed so hard that the hotel management came and warned us about the noise. :P

I missed being loud and laughing uncontrollably and at stupid jokes that aren't supposed to be jokes. :)

And the shopping! I am broke (because my allowance is still not in yet - why!) and tired, but happy!

I think the last time I felt this good was before Keng's departure. Sigh. Missing people already. This trip was definitely awesome. After all the gloomy, stress, and Keng+Zuyet's departures, I really appreciated this. SO much.

Thank you Chyuan for carrying my stupid bag around for me! *grins*

Happy Birthday, Liz and Alicia! :)

They LOVE U of I!

Erm. XD

Don't you think my pose is starting to look like Kia Tzun's cliche pose?

I cannot wait to see everyone (more people this time) again in New York! Especially those who did not come to Chicago - YONG SAM! Stephy, Su Jen, Edwin, Sanddy, JK, etc etc etc. It would be so much fun. And it's only less than a month away! :D

Seriously, how would I live without all these people.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2009-11-26T02:07:00.003-06:00

It's not THAT pretty, but it tastes fine, and it was my first attempt! AND a HEAVY turkey! Fuh! :D

Happy Thanksgiving!

The wrong, the stupid, the horrible.

2009-11-25T23:54:00.006-06:00

When I think and think and think and wonder if I am right, I don't always find out if I am right. And when I do something, I always have this fear that I might be wrong and that it might just turn out wrong. I hardly ever know if I am ever right. There has never been an exact answer every time I question my own judgement.

I can dwell in front of the laptop the moment I wake up until the sun goes down. Just thinking. And that doesn't even mean I will get the right answer. Or the courage to do things that I think I need to do. Then I do the wrong things.

It is so agonizing when you realize that you've done the wrong thing the moment you do it.

When I see how I suddenly turned into the bad, the wrong, the villain, the horrible, and the hated, I wanted to just drown in the remaining bottles of beer in my refrigerator. I feel hated. Not forgiven, I am no longer the one who's always there and it does not feel good, because I do care, and I am sorry. But it just feels like it wouldn't suffice. Would it?

I am guilt ridden. And perhaps I am not hated. As always my judgements are always fogged and hazy. I do not know what now. But I am guilt ridden, and I feel hated. You know the feeling when the other person tells you it's okay, but you just feel that it's not? It is like, you are in your own little small team of soldiers and everyone else is against you, and then suddenly you question one thing, and you became the traitor and no one wants to talk to you anymore. It is the feeling when you think you're kicked out of the 'people whom you trust' list.

I made a promise to be there when no one else is there. I am saying I am keeping that promise. It's not for the sake of keeping it, it's because I really do believe.

Nobody wants to talk about it. It is like there're some things that you just don't talk about at a certain time, a certain place. I did just that very mistake.

They say it's going to snow today. Everyone is excited to see the snow. It would be the first time for all the freshies. I have never in my life seen real snow. Falling from the sky. White, clean, and light. That's how I have always imagined it. But my mind is not with the snow. No amount of white pretty snow would make me feel at peace now. There's always something about him that just makes me weak when I think I made a mistake or upset him.

Today I am just broken. This would sound really stupid, immature and pathetic, but I wouldn't deny that I still want to be the one he turns to his friends and say, that's her. I want to be the best friend. I want to be able to be there to wipe the tears away and give big hugs. I want to be included in every tiny details. It sucks not being able to just BE THERE because of the distance.

It seems so long ago when we were happy. I meant everything I said. I have come to decide that I can no longer filter my posts so much for the fear that I will be pushed away because of how I feel and close friends will turn into strangers.

I'm not good with words. But I am sorry and you must know I really am, and I care.

Are you still mad at me? :(

Happy To See The Sun. :)

2009-11-20T13:51:00.006-06:00

Today I woke up with the sun shining through my bedroom window. It has been raining and gloomy for the entire week. It's good to have the sun back again. :D

Yesterday I had the worst Calculus class ever. Calculus has generally been easy over here, compared to when I did Calculus 1 and 2 back in Intec. I would say that among all my classes, I am doing best in Calculus. And yet, I completely screwed my third mid-term paper (I really don't know why there's THREE midterms - it's not even MID term anymore =.=) although it was easy as shit. I mean REALLY easy. Was it over-confidence or what. But I studied for it the entire night! I guess it was over confidence. Or lack of sleep. I don't know which, but I failed to see so many things when I did the paper. You can almost call me blind. Anyway we had our usual discussion session the day after and usually we would get our papers back by then. Somehow the papers were not graded yet and instead, our TA just went through the questions with us. I swear EVERYONE in the class said it was too easy while I was sulking away. I didn't know why I stayed on in the class, I could have just left and saved myself from all the agony. The only thought that came to me was, "Everyone is going to get a 100 and I am going to get a 50. Great."

How can anyone screw such an easy paper?

So the class ended with me convinced that I would only get a 50.

But I had to get over it. It was just one paper. (wtf) I made a promise to myself that I am going to do tremendously good in the final paper. Haha. Right.

Anyway, in the attempt to make myself happier, I had lunch at Potbelly, which has amaaaazziinngg sandwiches. And some guy playing his guitar and singing. If it's near where I am staying, I'd go there everyday. That's going to happen next year. :D

I came back and slept and slept. The thing about sleeping is, the moment you wake up, you can't really remember what made you so sad but it sinks in slowly after that. At least for me. Sometimes. =.="

And what's with guys and empty promises? Why would someone say he's going to do something and then ALWAYS forgets it after that? I'm getting so used to it that I'm always telling myself, oh he's going to forget. He's going to forget. He's going to forget.

=.=

So. Food is always good. With guitars and music. We can always work out after the food. Oh and the hot tub. :)

So I woke up late today and there's the sun. I walked out to the balcony barefooted to see the sun. My feet was cold, but it felt good to have the sun in your face. Especially after such gloomy week. It's still chilly but it's sunny. Sunny is good.

It's going to be a good break. With me working on reports, my ME design project, studying, and spending time in Chicago. And of course, sleep. :)

Lay's Chips Are The Best Thing Ever

2009-11-16T00:53:00.004-06:00

Okay a lot of people have already been asking me, "WHO is this guy in my blog that I've blogged THREE (freaking three) times about??"

I'm amused at myself for actually blogging three times about this guy who left. Now that I think about it, I didn't needed that many posts for a guy who was leaving. Heh. No but really I loved the pictures so much. XD

Okay we call him Zuyet. He's just a senior that I hang out with a lot during his last few weeks here. That's ALL. And now he's safe and sound in Malaysia. Rotting away. XD I just felt some sort of emptiness after he left because really, no one else had that much of a free time to play with me and talk to me. Everyone else just had to work work work.

Anyway I'm back to my daily routine of work work work too, and finding some time in between to be lazy.

Well at least I did pretty okay for my Physics test (which fell on the day Zuyet left) despite all the emotions. I was slightly (slightly!) below the average score, but I thought it was better than I expected and I was actually happy. Despite screwing my Statics final paper, which is actually a big deal.

I think everyone thinks I am plain lazy. I procrastinate and stuff. I am not getting a 4.0. I am doing only averagely well. And I like to play and hang out. Sometimes I wished I didn't have to worry about how others might see me. Lazy, playful and stupid. I don't know if they do see me this way, but maybe sometimes I see myself that way too. When I talk to my friends, they are so worried because they might not get an A. I am wondering if I am wrong to be contented with just a B and above.

I am not able to stay in all day and study. I get miserable and sad and lonely.

Wow I am really confused.

Is it just me or am I too playful? Like yesterday, almost everyone rejected my idea of going for bowling. They wanted to go to the library to study instead.

People here are too damn smart and hardworking.

I also think I want to do too many things. I come here, I want to minor in art but cannot. I then considered journalism but also cannot. There's basically nothing else I am interested in. And I have so many required hours to fulfil but I also want to take classes like art, journalism, photography, and fun stuff. I don't know how to fit into my schedule. Then I wanted to go for this Disney College Program for a semester but that means I will have to take time away for ONE semester. I am still figuring out how to do it and I hope I find my way because I really want to do this Disney College Program.

Sometimes I want to do so many things that I wonder if I will get anything done at all. Mei Yueh is right. If only we have one or two years more of college. I will be able to do so much. I might be so much happier. Why do we have to grow up so fast and work?

ANYWAYS. We ALL went for Broomball yesterday, organized by MASA. :) I didn't want to play initially thinking how awfully scary and dangerous it is to be running on ice hitting balls with brooms. I actually thought we were using real brooms. Thinking back, I still don't know why I was so scared. I usually would just jump into games like this. Considering that everyone else who doesn't play sports are playing. Wow what was wrong with me? In the end they all made me do it anyway. I kind of knew I wouldn't be able to escape it.

It turned out to be pretty fun. It wasn't as slippery as I thought it would be (although I still did slip and fall a few times). Hitting the ball was hard though. Stealing balls was pretty easy, except the part where I have to keep the ball with me after stealing it. XD

One thing though. I thought the guys dominated the game. We girls were left helping bits of here and there and then told to let go of the ball. I admit that the guys were good, but I wished I had more chance at it.

Still, it was fun. Don't regret it at all. I have bruises on my knees. I knocked into two guys straight and fell on my back. I was called elephant because Darren said I'm ganas. Eh wtf. :P

So anyway.

1.) I think I've decided on a Dell Vostro 220 Mini Tower. Yay. No more dead laptops.

2.) Thanksgiving next week! I CANNOT wait for the holidays!

3.) Plan to go to Wisconsin failed due to the absence of $$$$$ in my life.

4.) Making plans to New York for winter break! :D

5.) Deleted my old Twitter account because of the many complains of spams. New Twitter account under Yuinyi. :)

6.) TONS of work to do. SIGH.

7.) But one of my classes is cancelled for the entire week due to this strike they are having for the TAs. :P

8.) I have decided to do 18 hours next semester. Seems pretty crazy to me, but I THINK it is doable. I HOPE it is.

My Saturday noons. When it is bright and sunny enough. ;)

Sorry my post has nothing to do with Lay's chips. I am in love with them though!

A little bit of warmth

2009-11-10T03:54:00.003-06:00

It touched me how they came and reached for me.

It made me want to cry all over again. *not able to decide which smiley to use - :') or :'(*

Anyway, :)
I felt understood and I knew I wasn't alone in feeling the loss and sudden emptiness. I wasn't crying alone. Thank you.

Right now, sleep! It's going to be such a hell of a busy week!