Black Vs White

I walked out of the lecture hall today, cursing to myself, while Kent Yee walked silently beside me after discussing the questions a little bit, probably sensing the terrible mood I was having after Statics test. Some random kid skateboarded past me.

I thought to myself, why am I not that kid? Why am I not one of those kids who are art majors, skateboard to classes, and never have to worry about forces, moments, pressures, atoms, heat and when the next allowance will be coming in - just inspiration and future.

I see myself becoming more and more like those people who sleep in the library, have no time for sports, and do homework on a Friday night and throughout the weekend.

I've pratically lost all my options in being an art minor. I'm going to have a life of an engineering student. Dream did not come true. So tell me, what do I do?


I haven't been on my best mood these days. I've been going to the library a lot because I find myself focusing more on my studies when I am at the library - peer pressure. Everyone in the library is studying. If they have their laptops it is usually for homework or serious studying stuff, not facebook or twitter. Speaking of which, my laptop practically just died on me. It wouldn't start. It is just - dead. *mourns*

BUT I guess it is a good thing. Being in the library I mean. At least, I have nice seniors who are helping me SO MUCH with my subjects, (who stayed up the entire night with me to help me with my homework :)) and I don't break down easily when there're people around me. :)

I should be so grateful.

I am seriously wondering. Am I cut out for Ultimate at all?

My mood has been fluctuating. This is bad.

With Keng leaving, cold weather, weight gaining, wallet getting lighter, and most of all, people annoying me. I mean, seriously, I don't know where all my tolerance for people went. I used to have so much tolerance. So much so that I always get taken for granted. I still get taken for granted. I just seem to feel a lot more upset over little stupid things.

Like how I don't see myself graduating.

Like how I am behind the Calculus schedule for a week and am struggling to catch up or I won't understand a thing in class.

Like how Statics lectures don't make sense to me.

Like how I couldn't sleep last night because someone ( I don't know who, sorry whoever ) decided to have breakfast at 4.30 a.m. and made a hell lot of noise in the kitchen. And I was trying to sleep.

Like how I don't like wet bathroom floors.


I should seriously get a grip.

I am in between happy and upset. And I'm straying towards upset.

You know what, forgot all that I said. I am just confused about how I am feeling right now. I don't know if I am happy or upset. And it's making me so tired trying to figure out how I am supposed to feel.

I don't want anything now. I just want someone to cheer me up. Whichever way.

It sucks not to have anyone to tell to. I have expectations. I deserve to have expectations! Why do I have to go through this shit all over again? Seriously!

I woke up this morning to realise that I do not have my morning class today, so I went back into my room, looked at my Calculus notes and some questions, watched Grey's Anatomy, and now I feel like taking a nap, again.

So this post sums up everything I've been up to the past weekend, because I simply am too busy for three different posts. :P

When people asked me what activities we do during Mid-Autumn festival each year, I really couldn't think of any, except playing with lanterns and eating mooncakes. I know there're games like some Chinese riddles and stuff, but being half banana, that really doesn't appeal to me at all. XD So playing lanterns and eating mooncakes were all that we did this year, again, despite the cold weather!

I personally think I cannot manage parties very well, so I pretty much handed the whole socializing-as-a-host thing to Pui Yin. There were so many people coming to our place that we hardly had a place to move around. Some of the closer people ended up going into the rooms to lepak. And I learnt that when you have a party in US, you get unknown people coming into your house. I saw people that none of us knew, even Pui Yin. Hah.

But I don't get why so many people think that playing with lanterns are for small kids. Hey, I play with lanterns every single year of my life during each Mid-Autumn Festival! I think it's pretty normal and fun! But then again, I am someone who plays with big colourful watergun and balloon hammer. :)

We celebrated Yon Chiet's birthday as well. ^__^

The next day I overslept. I was supposed to be ready by 7.30 a.m. but I woke up at 7.40 a.m. when I heard Pui Yin's voice. LOL. Then I headed off to Chicago with the MaSA group of people and met old friends.

It felt like Intec all over again. I talked to people I hardly talked to when I was in Intec. In a way I felt like a hypocrite. I don't know. Maybe it's because we're now in a foreign land, and being Malaysians gives a sense of warmth and home. So we became friendlier?

But seeing everyone again was good.

Like people from Purdue. I literally screamed when I saw them.

Tong Wei, whom I've not talked to, not even once, until that day. Weird right. In Intec two years, both from Melaka, but never talked to each other. Now that we're here only want to talk. =P

A bunch of guys from all over.

And Hafidz. :)

I think I was kinda hoping that everyone would have plans to stay over and hang out. Looks like I was the only one with that thought. I felt a few hours just weren't enough. Because no one was planning to stay over, I sort of forgot about my plan to stay over. But a spontaneous decision was made, and me, Eric and Happy stayed over at Northwestern for the night.

Northwestern was a really nice place but I didn't have enough time to go sightseeing and taking pictures. :(

I am envious of their living conditions. So much better than ours! Although I'd prefer to have my own room (Tong Wei and Chyuan made the dining room and living room their rooms XD), their place looked so nice and cosy!

Tong Wei's messy dining room.

Chyuan's side of the apartment - the living room. Too bad he wasn't there. Frisbee tournament more important meh!

It was freezing in Chicago. And the RAIN! But I am not sick of the city yet. :)

I met the love of my life. Cheesecake Factory. ^_____^

I swear if they have a Cheesecake Factory here, I'm going to indulge in their cheesecakes and go broke and fat! Thank God it's so far away from me! XD

I'm halfway through the week, and I still have a test, a quiz and a homework due. Sigh. I'm

looking forward to the weekend again! For now I'm going to try to be a nerd. @.@

When are we going shopping and Cheesecake Factory again? :)

I'm so messed up. I really am.

Why did I even bother to go and break my own heart? I should have stayed on the path and not let myself stray away. If you ask me, I seriously did not know what I was expecting. I did not know what I was hoping for. And I shouldn't even have had any hopes. I am the world's dumbest person.

You were right, Kelvian. I was stupid. So very stupid. And pathetic. I still am. And I keep doing stupid things that I know I shouldn't. And I still want to do stupid stuff.

Now I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so trapped. And it's like I am just trapping myself in this mess, secretly not wanting to get out. T.T

What's more depressing is how I need to force myself to do my Calculus homework and not let myself cry.