Black Vs White

I am sitting in an empty gloomy computer lab, my paper is in 2 hours, and for every 5 questions that I tried to do I messed up 4 and don't understand why.

I really wouldn't be so upset even if I am not the A range student. I wouldn't be upset if I am a B range student. I wouldn't even be upset if this is a C I am looking at. But no, this is not a matter of A, B, or C. I am looking at the possibility of me failing and having to repeat the course. Not that A B or C does not matter. But when I look at where I am standing, I wonder why some people have to complain about not getting an A.

Then again, looking at where they are standing, that's probably how I would feel too for not getting an A. That, would be me when I was in high school.

I didn't know when I started settling for a B.

I read and reread and tried so hard to understand the notes (that comes with as little examples as possible, seriously!) but I can't! Up to this point, I realize that there's something wrong somewhere.

It is either :
- me - TOO STUPID
- me - brain not developed to understand twisted physics stuff (cannot twist brain)
- me - making the wrong decision
- the education system that I was brought up with is just not good enough
- the education system that I was brought up does not tally with the US education system enough
- the lecturer thinks we're all too smart
- me - TOO PLAIN STUPID

I can't decide and spot exactly where the problem is. It must be all of it. Mostly I blame myself for choosing this major. My life is screwed because I made the wrong choice and because I did not have much options. And I have yet to get over that fact. I've always believed that people will only succeed in doing what they have passion for. Yet, I went against that and thought that I will be able to do this.

Every time someone asks me, "Done studying?" I feel very annoyed because obviousy, duh, no! And the same question will be asked repeatedly everyday about that same subject I am studying for, until a point where I get very annoyed. Mostly I think it's me being frustrated at myself for never being able to answer yes. Because no matter how much I try to study, I will never be prepared enough to say, "Yea I'm done. Next!"

So yes, I feel helpless and I have no clue how to sit for the exam later and feel good about it. It is 2 hours away and I really cannot do much because of how I feel right now.

Fire trucks that keeps passing by with REALLY noisy and annoying sirens are not helping either.

Feeling helpless sucks. BIG TIME.

It's one and a half hours away. I'm in a cold, gloomy isolated lab, looking at my notes helplessly.

The snow came today, even though it was very very brief. (Freddy didn't believe me when I told him it was snowing! =.=) It just went shoosh, and then it's gone. I bet you could tell how excited everyone (that is, us jakuns who haven't seen a single speck of snow in our 19 years of life, until today) was. Once we got a call saying that it's snowing, everyone left the books and went straight for the balcony. There is was, white, light and pretty - the way I always thought it would be.

The neighbours must have heard our excitement, because they too came out to see the snow. It was a suprisingly friendly moment. We've never actually met or talked to them, and I never knew who were the people who hang out occasionally at the balcony beside ours. Tonight, we met them and it was a friendly moment when we commented on the snow, that was pretty but lasted only for a while, before we left the chilly balconies. I think we should really get to know our neighbours. :)

It was a little disappointing though, because we did not take any pictures when the snow was here. We thought it would last the entire night but we waited, and then it was gone.

I've always said that I really am dreading the snow. It's bad enough to feel cold, hungry and sleepy all the time, I really don't want to have to walk in the wet, cold and slippery environment. AND I have 8 am classes next semester. Which is gonna suck. Yes.

BUT. There's just this thrill because it's the first time. In 19 years. I even felt it as snow landed on my face. It felt a lot just like rain because it melted before it even landed on my face. But, it was really quite exciting. :)

All the excitement really kind of took away my mood to study. But it's not like I have any other choices. It's extremely torturing to force yourself to study, especially when three cups of coffee doesn't make you any fresher than none.

I wish I get to read blogs and not physics notes. I'm always delighted when I find nice blogs to follow. And guilty - because I tend to ditch my books for a while. :P

But then, at least I think I've found something that I can at least see myself doing as a mechanical engineer. Right now, I am finding my Computer Aided Design class bearable. It gets frustrating, but at least, it is the one class that I do not loathe among all my other classes. I can sit and spend hours doing the designs and get frustrated for all I care.

At least now the path seems a little bit clearer to me. But then again, who knows.

So, I am pretty happy. It's snowing, I have a rough idea what kind of engineer I would want to become (rather than my "I DON'T WANT TO BE AN ENGINEER I DON'T CARE"). Or one that I can at least enjoy however little. My Calculus paper was not a 50, although it wasn't as good as it was supposed to be. And the weekend is near.

I'm also looking forward to NYC. I think I am going to love it. :)

There's this thing about me. I am sleepy all the time, and then I drink like 3 cups of coffee, and will still be sleepy. And I will force myself to stay awake to try to study. Then when it's time to sleep, I can't.

Why like that.

Ok brief nerd talk. I also just realised that there's no homework for the last two lectures of my Physics class. Why like that! As much as I despise the homeworks, they are the only way I can understand anything at all! I want homework! End of nerd talk.

*sigh* Nevermind. :)