Black Vs White

Today I had one of those chats that are just filled with gossips, talks about friends, past, laughter and coffee, with Pui Yin and Freddy. It feels like the American way of mamak.

I want to do this every week can? :)

And I am jumping around and headbanging to McFly's Don't Stop Me Now. I am in love with that song. XD

I want to talk about stuff, but I am too sleepy and in need to some sleep right now. This is what you get from procrastinating.

Zzz.

Our main purpose of going to Chicago this time was to meet up, and of course, the Black Friday sales. :D


It was the perfect getaway. Seeing everyone again was good. All those who helped me get through my final days in Intec with laughter. They still make me laugh like hell after half a year. Kia Tzun even commented that I must be crazy to laugh at his jokes that he himself didn't think is funny. =P


We laughed so hard that the hotel management came and warned us about the noise. :P



I missed being loud and laughing uncontrollably and at stupid jokes that aren't supposed to be jokes. :)



And the shopping! I am broke (because my allowance is still not in yet - why!) and tired, but happy!

I think the last time I felt this good was before Keng's departure. Sigh. Missing people already. This trip was definitely awesome. After all the gloomy, stress, and Keng+Zuyet's departures, I really appreciated this. SO much.



Thank you Chyuan for carrying my stupid bag around for me! *grins*



Happy Birthday, Liz and Alicia! :)



They LOVE U of I!



Erm. XD

Don't you think my pose is starting to look like Kia Tzun's cliche pose?

When I think and think and think and wonder if I am right, I don't always find out if I am right. And when I do something, I always have this fear that I might be wrong and that it might just turn out wrong. I hardly ever know if I am ever right. There has never been an exact answer every time I question my own judgement.

I can dwell in front of the laptop the moment I wake up until the sun goes down. Just thinking. And that doesn't even mean I will get the right answer. Or the courage to do things that I think I need to do. Then I do the wrong things.

It is so agonizing when you realize that you've done the wrong thing the moment you do it.

When I see how I suddenly turned into the bad, the wrong, the villain, the horrible, and the hated, I wanted to just drown in the remaining bottles of beer in my refrigerator. I feel hated. Not forgiven, I am no longer the one who's always there and it does not feel good, because I do care, and I am sorry. But it just feels like it wouldn't suffice. Would it?

I am guilt ridden. And perhaps I am not hated. As always my judgements are always fogged and hazy. I do not know what now. But I am guilt ridden, and I feel hated. You know the feeling when the other person tells you it's okay, but you just feel that it's not? It is like, you are in your own little small team of soldiers and everyone else is against you, and then suddenly you question one thing, and you became the traitor and no one wants to talk to you anymore. It is the feeling when you think you're kicked out of the 'people whom you trust' list.

I made a promise to be there when no one else is there. I am saying I am keeping that promise. It's not for the sake of keeping it, it's because I really do believe.

Nobody wants to talk about it. It is like there're some things that you just don't talk about at a certain time, a certain place. I did just that very mistake.

They say it's going to snow today. Everyone is excited to see the snow. It would be the first time for all the freshies. I have never in my life seen real snow. Falling from the sky. White, clean, and light. That's how I have always imagined it. But my mind is not with the snow. No amount of white pretty snow would make me feel at peace now. There's always something about him that just makes me weak when I think I made a mistake or upset him.

Today I am just broken. This would sound really stupid, immature and pathetic, but I wouldn't deny that I still want to be the one he turns to his friends and say, that's her. I want to be the best friend. I want to be able to be there to wipe the tears away and give big hugs. I want to be included in every tiny details. It sucks not being able to just BE THERE because of the distance.

It seems so long ago when we were happy. I meant everything I said. I have come to decide that I can no longer filter my posts so much for the fear that I will be pushed away because of how I feel and close friends will turn into strangers.

I'm not good with words. But I am sorry and you must know I really am, and I care.

Are you still mad at me? :(

Today I woke up with the sun shining through my bedroom window. It has been raining and gloomy for the entire week. It's good to have the sun back again. :D

Yesterday I had the worst Calculus class ever. Calculus has generally been easy over here, compared to when I did Calculus 1 and 2 back in Intec. I would say that among all my classes, I am doing best in Calculus. And yet, I completely screwed my third mid-term paper (I really don't know why there's THREE midterms - it's not even MID term anymore =.=) although it was easy as shit. I mean REALLY easy. Was it over-confidence or what. But I studied for it the entire night! I guess it was over confidence. Or lack of sleep. I don't know which, but I failed to see so many things when I did the paper. You can almost call me blind. Anyway we had our usual discussion session the day after and usually we would get our papers back by then. Somehow the papers were not graded yet and instead, our TA just went through the questions with us. I swear EVERYONE in the class said it was too easy while I was sulking away. I didn't know why I stayed on in the class, I could have just left and saved myself from all the agony. The only thought that came to me was, "Everyone is going to get a 100 and I am going to get a 50. Great."

How can anyone screw such an easy paper?

So the class ended with me convinced that I would only get a 50.

But I had to get over it. It was just one paper. (wtf) I made a promise to myself that I am going to do tremendously good in the final paper. Haha. Right.

Anyway, in the attempt to make myself happier, I had lunch at Potbelly, which has amaaaazziinngg sandwiches. And some guy playing his guitar and singing. If it's near where I am staying, I'd go there everyday. That's going to happen next year. :D

I came back and slept and slept. The thing about sleeping is, the moment you wake up, you can't really remember what made you so sad but it sinks in slowly after that. At least for me. Sometimes. =.="

And what's with guys and empty promises? Why would someone say he's going to do something and then ALWAYS forgets it after that? I'm getting so used to it that I'm always telling myself, oh he's going to forget. He's going to forget. He's going to forget.

=.=

So. Food is always good. With guitars and music. We can always work out after the food. Oh and the hot tub. :)

So I woke up late today and there's the sun. I walked out to the balcony barefooted to see the sun. My feet was cold, but it felt good to have the sun in your face. Especially after such gloomy week. It's still chilly but it's sunny. Sunny is good.

It's going to be a good break. With me working on reports, my ME design project, studying, and spending time in Chicago. And of course, sleep. :)

I was supposed to wake up at 9 to start studying (after 2 days of slacking) for my exam on Monday. I know.



I woke up at 11, and started emo-ing.







Because he's leaving tomorrow. :(
(just realised that in the entire album of photos at the quad and all, this is the only picture we took together wtf)



That's how stuff always happen. People leave when I am just starting to get close to them. Or rather, I always start to get close to people when they are about to leave.


It surprises me that I got really comfortable with him within a few months that it makes me so sad that he is leaving. Who's gonna help me with Physics, gossip with me, play with me, and go to the gym and hot tub with me next time?

I didn't really know how I got close to him. We weren't exactly close the first two months I think. I was talking a lot more to Keng and it was after Keng left that I talked more to him, but I still don't know where it started. I've always known him as the guy who is really close to Keng and gets teased by Keng a lot. I think it was after our trip to the mall and I was tagging along as he taught Puiyin driving.


Except the part that he is really smart academically (Bronze Tablet okay!), he's just this guy who's so similar to me. He hardly ever says no. He's sometimes *coughemocough*. He thinks a lot (sometimes too much). He hates farewell (so much that he even considered leaving without saying a word - wtf!). He has many dreams unsure of - because like me, he tends to procrastinate too, although I am sure I am a worse case than he is. He loves sports. He is interested in photography. And most of all, he is really nice. :)


I really wish I can make him stay. Tie him up in a chair and don't let him leave. Kidnap him. Whatever. But I can't for I cannot be selfish. He's been here for so long, it's time for him to go back. His time here is over, now it's mine.

I actually went to bed last night, and dreamt that he wouldn't have the last dinner with all of us because he said he "wanted some private time off"' - in my dream. Then everyone started crying when we said our goodbyes in the middle of some pavement (weirdly). So I woke up feeling like I just finished crying wtf.


Hence, the emoness. It isn't exactly EMO. It's more like I'm dreading dinner time because it would be our last dinner together. :(

He kept telling me to study this weekend because he knew I have an exam on Monday and another on Wednesday, and despite that, I wanted to spend more time with him this weekend (plus the super wonderful weather that permits us to go out and hang out at the quad) because it would be our last. Then after supper yesterday, he told me I better study hard today. =.= Sigh. He's like that one. His constant nagging plus his age which is only a year elder than my brother - makes him such a brotherly figure to me.

So I better start mugging my ass off already, because I know he'll be nagging if he knows I am blogging right now.

Goodbye, for now. I'm really going to miss you! :(

I'm sorry about the way I have been. I've been in really sucky mood everytime I chose to blog. Or sometimes it's just that my mood turned sucky while I was blogging. So a supposedly happy post turned into a grumpy one.

Today's weather was actually really kind of nice. It was about 10 degrees Celcius, but I didn't feel very cold. And it was also sunny. As I walked by the quad, I was very tempted to just lie down on the grass and fall asleep. But I hadn't had any sleep the night before so a bed would do me much good. :)

I had to miss my Calculus discussion class this afternoon to attend a talk for part of my Asian American Studies assignments. Eboo Patel was a really good speaker. He spoke of his own identities as an Asian American - Asian, Indian, and Muslim - and how all the multiple identities are supposed to connect and inspire, not as a barrier in life. I thought it was a really good talk, especially when he started talking a lot about interfaith cooperation and how people from different religion should really work together rather than killing each other. Made a lot of sense to me, and I thought we really needed something like this in Malaysia, with all those racial and religion issues. But then again, I guess it's happening all over the world. As Eboo Patel said, right now religion is being talked about, but what's being said is that religion is killing people. We need to start talking about how religion is helping and connecting everyone instead.

Hmm. It makes the world sound really sad.

Anyway then I came back and totally died on my bed. I was waiting for anyone to call me to go to the quad. No one did. Sigh. A beautiful day wasted.

It's already dark at 5 these days after the daylight savings. I can't even go for Ultimate practice since my classes end at 5 anyways. I'm missing the sunlight a lot!

So, the Halloween. :)


The stars of that night. Two lovely ladies. =P

Rawr. Mafia and cat burglar. We're the bad people! *evil laughter*



Me, Esvina and Pui Yin!


Nadiah and I. She's some Star Wars character I think? Awesome hair!


The bitcheesss!! (Note the small 'b', Bitch! Don't get jealous!)

Who wants a fight? Catgirl and Batgirl?

Valerie! Sweet scary doll girl thingy. =P

Then Freddy the Burger King got horny.

And Freddy poses super well when he's high. XD By the way I got shot RIGHT after this shot was taken. =.=

Darren, the rockstar who won't ever pose for my camera.

I love how everyone was practically KO in this picture, especially Freddy! Karleng's expression is priceless. :)


Rawr! See you next year, Halloween!

I wish I have a nice comfortable couch for me to slump in while blogging over here. But maybe not. It's 3.03 a.m. and I am supposed to be studying. Nice comfortable couches will just make me fall asleep.


It has been pretty hectic ever since Physics started. I have to try so hard to make sure I am keeping up with the Physics syllabus which is something really tough for me to do. And I also have to make sure I finish my Physics homework AND Calculus homework in time, which are both due every Tuesday (which I am very sure I have already mentioned gosh I am such nerd) of the week.



I seriously have no idea WHY am I blogging about my studies. I'm mainly blogging to keep my mind of things for a while.


Please don't have the impression that I am not happy. I am very happy with my life here. I just have some unresolved issues. And the studies.



OKAY now I am not happy.

I tried putting up the photos for Halloween because I told Shine I would. I am now very disappointed with blogger. I don't know why but arranging the pictures is so difficult! I cannot arrange it properly and it's taking me such a freaking long time I might as well just go to sleep.


THAT just completely ruined my already not good mood. And you want to know why?? I feel ignored okay and I have no IDEA what the problem is. I'm asking for help, and I am being ignored. Thank you so much. Pfftt.

I am just going to bed before I start swearing in my blog.