Black Vs White

I am sitting in an empty gloomy computer lab, my paper is in 2 hours, and for every 5 questions that I tried to do I messed up 4 and don't understand why.

I really wouldn't be so upset even if I am not the A range student. I wouldn't be upset if I am a B range student. I wouldn't even be upset if this is a C I am looking at. But no, this is not a matter of A, B, or C. I am looking at the possibility of me failing and having to repeat the course. Not that A B or C does not matter. But when I look at where I am standing, I wonder why some people have to complain about not getting an A.

Then again, looking at where they are standing, that's probably how I would feel too for not getting an A. That, would be me when I was in high school.

I didn't know when I started settling for a B.

I read and reread and tried so hard to understand the notes (that comes with as little examples as possible, seriously!) but I can't! Up to this point, I realize that there's something wrong somewhere.

It is either :
- me - TOO STUPID
- me - brain not developed to understand twisted physics stuff (cannot twist brain)
- me - making the wrong decision
- the education system that I was brought up with is just not good enough
- the education system that I was brought up does not tally with the US education system enough
- the lecturer thinks we're all too smart
- me - TOO PLAIN STUPID

I can't decide and spot exactly where the problem is. It must be all of it. Mostly I blame myself for choosing this major. My life is screwed because I made the wrong choice and because I did not have much options. And I have yet to get over that fact. I've always believed that people will only succeed in doing what they have passion for. Yet, I went against that and thought that I will be able to do this.

Every time someone asks me, "Done studying?" I feel very annoyed because obviousy, duh, no! And the same question will be asked repeatedly everyday about that same subject I am studying for, until a point where I get very annoyed. Mostly I think it's me being frustrated at myself for never being able to answer yes. Because no matter how much I try to study, I will never be prepared enough to say, "Yea I'm done. Next!"

So yes, I feel helpless and I have no clue how to sit for the exam later and feel good about it. It is 2 hours away and I really cannot do much because of how I feel right now.

Fire trucks that keeps passing by with REALLY noisy and annoying sirens are not helping either.

Feeling helpless sucks. BIG TIME.

It's one and a half hours away. I'm in a cold, gloomy isolated lab, looking at my notes helplessly.