Black Vs White

She noticed the difference. And she sighed.



Was it because it was April Fools' Eve?

I had a terrible evening. Not the worst, but bad enough that I pek cheked all the way through the night.

I tried to keep myself awake, reading Beloved. By 5.30 p.m. I dozed off on my bed and woke up to the sound of football. Today I realise that no matter how much I love the lively atmosphere in Cemara, I hate to wake up to the sound of football. For some reasons, it is starting to make me restless, and even to the extend of causing my heart to beat so fast that I cannot continue sleeping no matter how much I wanted to. I don't know why.

So I gave up sleeping. Woke up, tried to keep my heartbeat steady, and got a message for frisbee. (Oh yes, the sound of the disc would be better)

While waiting, I managed to amuse myself watching the sepak takraw people who were joking around (I think). I laughed by myself. =P

Then I felt awful playing frisbee because I noticed how much I suck.

After repeated failures at correcting my forehand, I went up, wanted to take a shower, and guess what, I got locked in my room when I tried to open the door with my key and my key broke. In the keyhole. And so Sanddy and Alicia were stuck outside and I was stuck inside. I tried not to panic but the internet connection wasn't working well and I needed the connection cause I need to pay the dues for Toastmasters! And so I needed to go somewhere with stable enough connection ---> PAK LI. But I was stuck in my room. And I was so worried I'd be stuck until midnight or something. (with NO DINNER) I even entertained thoughts of jumping down from my fifth floor balcony. Haha. And I wished I had long enough hair (like Rapunzel) and someone would come and save me. Imagine me standing at the balcony (PRINCESS YUIN YI) waiting for my prince charming to rescue me. HAHA

Finally some kind of prince did come. The technician! Yay. So I was saved. And rushed off to Pak Li. And paid the dues. And did not manage to check my uni application status because of the lack of time. (Oh the curfew!!!)

And when I came back, the internet was still faulty.

Sigh.

Pek chek because of stuff like this. Oh and I forgot to mention that TM seems to be dying. Sigh. I'm sorry I had to quit. I really ought to save money. T.T

Thank god now it's good again. I hope. So I can blog and vent all my pek chekness into my blog.

Do you know one thing I learnt when I came here with Mei Yueh a.k.a Pinggan (who was with me all the time until she flew to Stanford :))?

I learnt how to feel happy doing things for other people.

Funny that I seemed to just realise how I really find joy in doing things for the people I really care for. During our first year in Intec, Mei Yueh and I would walk around the shopping complex and out of the blue decide to do something cute/buy something for someone. Like giving people roses during Valentines, and although we got none in return, I felt so happy doing that. Genuinely happy. And that's only one of the so many things we did that I won't forget. :)

Today I managed to dig out that kind of joy in me again.

Even though I had to go to OSSP, walk back to HEA a few times to look for Pn. Su, and today, walk to HEA from U Block, then walk back to OSSP, and walk back to the bus stop with my physics book (fuh!) I walked all the way smiling. Because I was doing something for Nanny! =)

Maybe in some ways doing things like this make me feel not so useless. That I am able to help the people I care, make them happy and see them smile. It is freaking worth all the trouble! Plus the fact that I get to burn some fats? Hell worth it.

And so Nanny, I hope everything works out well for you! :)


My fan is annoying me. It's stuck and won't turn.

Pardon me. I broke down again.

I was chatting with Kelvian after class, and kept telling him, "Hey you! Quit emoing. You're supposed to be the stronger one." And I was positive that I'm just going to go through the day fine. You see, I had almost nothing troubling me that day.

I took a nap, woke up, and felt horrible. I took a bath, went for dinner and hell went loose when I saw pasar malam, al-Rafi, and sup daging plus nasi putih.

Oh yes, I do feel stupid. Crying without any valid reasons. And hello? I was telling someone else to be happy? *smacks self repeatedly*

I think I am annoying for crying so much. I'm such a crybaby I think I could kill myself for that. Oh that was before I realise that I cannot die. Because Nanny asked me to do something for him, and if I die, no one will help him (oh yea right, as if I am the only person left in Intec) and he will kill me for not helping him. At that point I started crying AND giggling at the same time. Giggling at myself and at my own stupidity.

By the way, I was not suicidal okay. I wouldn't kill myself. Haha.

And did I mention how much I hate dislike Intec bus drivers because they like to keep us waiting and waste our precious time? Class ended at 8.30 this morning (oh yes, half an hour class =.=) and I decided to come back to Cemara so that I can take a proper nap and study for Physics. It was 8.30 a.m. and thinking that there should be buses going in and out, I went to the bus stop and took the trouble to ask the bus drivers if that lonely bus there was going to Cemara and they told me yeah, of course.

So I waited together with Sanddy who decided to come back too. At 9.30 a.m. we decided to screw the bus and took a mini bus which appeared quite as soon as we went outside to wait for it. Thank god. And screw Intec bus drivers. We did ask them a few times in that one hour if they are going to Cemara. And they kept telling us yes. One told us that he'll be driving that particular bus back to Cemara at 9.00 a.m. NOT NINE THIRTY.

And so I wasted one hour. Of precious sleep studying.

So now I've got to have my lunch and do some exercises for Physics.

So guess what? I did go to the Halloween Night after all. Told you I might change my mind. It's so typical of me! XD

Last year I went as a gothic. This year, very last minutely decided, I did not have anything to wear. I was trying to decide whether to just wear my masquerade mask that I bought for 20 bucks and did not have a chance to use it (this is the chance!) or to use excessive make-ups and dress up as a doll. Oh yes, dolls give me the creeps.

Then I heard the Oggy and the Cockroaches song ringing from my phone. Ahah! In the end, guess what I went as?



Something I always rolls eyes at. XD I'm a Survivor! Final two! =P


The most enthusiastic people! I love em! Especially the king!


Next up, parade! We have Princess Jasmine.

I became.... THE GRAVITY! XD I make the magic carpet fly! XD




Spongebob Squarepants!


And the snail - whatever the name is XD - NICELY DONE!!



Madagascar! Liz looks like a cute baby lion. XD


And for the closing ceremony - Luau Party! Great job - Intec standard. :)


That's me looking Hawaiian. XD


The bitches who came all the way from INTI! Sue Ray and my date for the night, Kelvian!

It's Americans Indulgence Week. With so many other tests and quizzes coming. =.="

I am REALLY tempted to go for Halloween's Night tonight. But, I have a quiz tomorrow and you all know I need a really long time to study for even one chapter. I have no costume. I have two tests coming this week. BUT I REALLY WANNA GO! *dilemma*

How how.

Sigh.

Halloween's Night reminds me of last year's Americans Indulgence Week. =) I remember how me and Mei Yueh last minutely decided to go as gothics - which turned out a bit weird I think. And I remember Nanny as the host. LOL I think you looked so much better being a Mr Dracula though. ^_^ And I remember Baby's cute (supposed to be horrifying) mask. =P

SO I REALLY WANNA GO.

But it's a busy week. T.T I know someone else who's MUCH busier than I am, being part of the committee and all (seriously, you're overworking and making people worry =.=) and still surviving.. but but but.... *emo*

Oh well. I can still go last minutely like last year. Wished I have Mei Yueh here to do spontaneous things with me. (and we can say, screw the tests!!!!! XD) *still contemplating*

I can't wait for Summer. Miss Siti said we'll only have one subject in Summer. YAY. :D

Now if I wanna go tonight, I really need to finish studying ASAP. Who knows, I might change my mind and decide to go. =P

*runs away*

p/s: my fav bitch got a dslr! NOT FAIR! =P *makes a plan to steal it from him* niahahahahahha!!

I had a very sweet dream today.

Let me tell you one thing. I HATE SWEET DREAMS. They lie to you. Just when everything felt so real and you felt so incredibly happy that miracles seem to be happening, you wake up (to the smell of the burning ass) to find out that it's all just a dream. Those miracles did not happen after all. False hope. Time to wake up and face reality.

I wouldn't even mind a nightmare for once. At least then I would wake up with relief. To know that oh I'm safe and sound in my bed and be grateful to have the sun on my skin. Then it will be a happier morning because I would be glad to wake up, glad to know that reality isn't that cruel.

My issue with insecurities.

I have so many questions unanswered. I tend to think. Overanalyse. And in the end I doubt everything.

That's when I become insecure.


I am so afraid of losing. And I am not sure if I should put my foot forward.




Oh btw, I got admission into Minnesota! I know it's nothing much, but I don't care because it confirms one thing. I CAN FLY! ^_^

I cannot help but feel guilty. Yet grateful, in a way.

What an enormous emotional roller coaster - silly as it was. It shouldn't even have occurred in the first place. It was in a way, my own silliness, my own paranoia. Silly for me to be crying so much. *smacks self repeatedly* I used to think I was stronger.

This emotional roller coaster - whatever caused it, whoever's fault it is (I'd say neither, or both) - made me see things. I was actually surprise at the number of friends who came to me, though most of them don't know what happened.

Liz, you were great for being so willing to accompany me all the time (God knows how much studying time I have taken away from you T.T), making sure I don't cry, trying to coax me into having protein in my meals and everything else. I feel so bad for being the very bright lamp post shining on you and CJ all the time. XD Thanks so much!

Kelvian, I can't thank you enough for being there for me (though not physically) all the time as well. You'll always be online for me to kacau and to cheer me up. XD As always, my favourite bitch! =) I hope things turn out the best they can for you! Oh please wear the shirt for me to see! ^_^ Really glad I went to KBU pickups and got to know you there. *hugs*

Then to my roommate, Sanddy, you were extremely extremely helpful. You just have this fantastic ability to soothe me, I don't know how you do it. And you do it in a really unbiased way. You always told me to think of the best. Thank you for being the wonderfullest, most understanding roommate ever. Sometimes I feel like I am such a terrible roommate cause you're so good at consoling me and I just can't do it as good as you can. *hugs* You should go be a counsellor. XD

Foong Yi, we've been classmates since Day 1, yet we never really got to know each other or got too close. But you were there for me when I had no one with me. You're wonderfully understanding, sweet and caring, and thanks for the tissue papers. =P Oh and you are so cute when you start scolding people, "Eat shit!" XD

To all others who came to me:

Li Xuan - for your shoulder and words of encouragement. And for temaning me lampposting sometimes. XD

CJ - for helping me in every way you could, and for making Liz happy. =) I still think the envelope belongs to you. =P

JK, Pui Yin, Alicia and gang, Mike - thanks for being concerned. Kia Tzun, I'll be keeping your words in mind and try very hard to be like you. XD

CK - thanks for being totally unbiased and helping us. =)

To anyone else who came to me but I missed out, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Sometimes it's so beautiful to know that so many people actually cared.

Lastly, to you. I think we both became paranoid in a way. I think we both didn't have a pleasant time. Whatever it is, I'm glad we're fine now. I'm not looking forward to anymore emotional roller coaster. XD (NOW, I really think communication is very important) I don't know what will happen in the future. Let's just get back onto track. =)

I think most people have labeled me stupid and stubborn by now, but I want to believe in our friendship.
Well. I think I'm an emotional wretch who cries too much.

******************************

I've been trying to figure out how to write this for two days. You see, the thing is, I'm really glad things are fine now. I still don't know what to think - too many sudden changes - but I think it's best if I don't think too much. I'll just be glad. And relieved.

But I can't help but feel bad. Two of my best friends are hating each other and no, don't tell me it's not because of me. If none of this ever happened, you two will probably still be fine with each other. T.T

I cannot pretend not to care when my two best friends are clawing at each other. Sigh. And it is all because of what happened / my own insecurity. Things became better for me but I've ruined things for other people.

I just want you two to know that I am very grateful to have you guys. Just saddened that things turned out this way because of me.

This knot. It's annoying me. I can't think straight. I don't know what to write for my assignment. I hate this knot. Please. Go away.



I feel like screaming.



I really hate that knot.



Stupid tiny knot.









I'm tired. I want to be like Tom, escaping through that fire escape.

I don't understand why anyone would add strangers in MukaBuku to their friends list.

COME ON. Why on earth are you adding me even though you haven't even MET me??? I haven't even HEARD OF you! =.="

What exactly is the point??

Aiyohhh.

Just because you are a friend of a friend of a friend of who knows which friend of mine, doesn't mean I'm gonna add you on facebook. And NO I won't add you even if you looked "cute".

Get a life, people. Stop annoying me.

Especially when I am not in the nicest mood. GE Wireless has been REALLY SUCKY. AND I'M FROZEN. (forget the last sentence, you won't understand)

=.=

I should get some sleep.