Black Vs White

I am sitting in an empty gloomy computer lab, my paper is in 2 hours, and for every 5 questions that I tried to do I messed up 4 and don't understand why.

I really wouldn't be so upset even if I am not the A range student. I wouldn't be upset if I am a B range student. I wouldn't even be upset if this is a C I am looking at. But no, this is not a matter of A, B, or C. I am looking at the possibility of me failing and having to repeat the course. Not that A B or C does not matter. But when I look at where I am standing, I wonder why some people have to complain about not getting an A.

Then again, looking at where they are standing, that's probably how I would feel too for not getting an A. That, would be me when I was in high school.

I didn't know when I started settling for a B.

I read and reread and tried so hard to understand the notes (that comes with as little examples as possible, seriously!) but I can't! Up to this point, I realize that there's something wrong somewhere.

It is either :
- me - TOO STUPID
- me - brain not developed to understand twisted physics stuff (cannot twist brain)
- me - making the wrong decision
- the education system that I was brought up with is just not good enough
- the education system that I was brought up does not tally with the US education system enough
- the lecturer thinks we're all too smart
- me - TOO PLAIN STUPID

I can't decide and spot exactly where the problem is. It must be all of it. Mostly I blame myself for choosing this major. My life is screwed because I made the wrong choice and because I did not have much options. And I have yet to get over that fact. I've always believed that people will only succeed in doing what they have passion for. Yet, I went against that and thought that I will be able to do this.

Every time someone asks me, "Done studying?" I feel very annoyed because obviousy, duh, no! And the same question will be asked repeatedly everyday about that same subject I am studying for, until a point where I get very annoyed. Mostly I think it's me being frustrated at myself for never being able to answer yes. Because no matter how much I try to study, I will never be prepared enough to say, "Yea I'm done. Next!"

So yes, I feel helpless and I have no clue how to sit for the exam later and feel good about it. It is 2 hours away and I really cannot do much because of how I feel right now.

Fire trucks that keeps passing by with REALLY noisy and annoying sirens are not helping either.

Feeling helpless sucks. BIG TIME.

It's one and a half hours away. I'm in a cold, gloomy isolated lab, looking at my notes helplessly.

The snow came today, even though it was very very brief. (Freddy didn't believe me when I told him it was snowing! =.=) It just went shoosh, and then it's gone. I bet you could tell how excited everyone (that is, us jakuns who haven't seen a single speck of snow in our 19 years of life, until today) was. Once we got a call saying that it's snowing, everyone left the books and went straight for the balcony. There is was, white, light and pretty - the way I always thought it would be.

The neighbours must have heard our excitement, because they too came out to see the snow. It was a suprisingly friendly moment. We've never actually met or talked to them, and I never knew who were the people who hang out occasionally at the balcony beside ours. Tonight, we met them and it was a friendly moment when we commented on the snow, that was pretty but lasted only for a while, before we left the chilly balconies. I think we should really get to know our neighbours. :)

It was a little disappointing though, because we did not take any pictures when the snow was here. We thought it would last the entire night but we waited, and then it was gone.

I've always said that I really am dreading the snow. It's bad enough to feel cold, hungry and sleepy all the time, I really don't want to have to walk in the wet, cold and slippery environment. AND I have 8 am classes next semester. Which is gonna suck. Yes.

BUT. There's just this thrill because it's the first time. In 19 years. I even felt it as snow landed on my face. It felt a lot just like rain because it melted before it even landed on my face. But, it was really quite exciting. :)

All the excitement really kind of took away my mood to study. But it's not like I have any other choices. It's extremely torturing to force yourself to study, especially when three cups of coffee doesn't make you any fresher than none.

I wish I get to read blogs and not physics notes. I'm always delighted when I find nice blogs to follow. And guilty - because I tend to ditch my books for a while. :P

But then, at least I think I've found something that I can at least see myself doing as a mechanical engineer. Right now, I am finding my Computer Aided Design class bearable. It gets frustrating, but at least, it is the one class that I do not loathe among all my other classes. I can sit and spend hours doing the designs and get frustrated for all I care.

At least now the path seems a little bit clearer to me. But then again, who knows.

So, I am pretty happy. It's snowing, I have a rough idea what kind of engineer I would want to become (rather than my "I DON'T WANT TO BE AN ENGINEER I DON'T CARE"). Or one that I can at least enjoy however little. My Calculus paper was not a 50, although it wasn't as good as it was supposed to be. And the weekend is near.

I'm also looking forward to NYC. I think I am going to love it. :)

There's this thing about me. I am sleepy all the time, and then I drink like 3 cups of coffee, and will still be sleepy. And I will force myself to stay awake to try to study. Then when it's time to sleep, I can't.

Why like that.

Ok brief nerd talk. I also just realised that there's no homework for the last two lectures of my Physics class. Why like that! As much as I despise the homeworks, they are the only way I can understand anything at all! I want homework! End of nerd talk.

*sigh* Nevermind. :)

Today I had one of those chats that are just filled with gossips, talks about friends, past, laughter and coffee, with Pui Yin and Freddy. It feels like the American way of mamak.

I want to do this every week can? :)

And I am jumping around and headbanging to McFly's Don't Stop Me Now. I am in love with that song. XD

I want to talk about stuff, but I am too sleepy and in need to some sleep right now. This is what you get from procrastinating.

Zzz.

Our main purpose of going to Chicago this time was to meet up, and of course, the Black Friday sales. :D


It was the perfect getaway. Seeing everyone again was good. All those who helped me get through my final days in Intec with laughter. They still make me laugh like hell after half a year. Kia Tzun even commented that I must be crazy to laugh at his jokes that he himself didn't think is funny. =P


We laughed so hard that the hotel management came and warned us about the noise. :P



I missed being loud and laughing uncontrollably and at stupid jokes that aren't supposed to be jokes. :)



And the shopping! I am broke (because my allowance is still not in yet - why!) and tired, but happy!

I think the last time I felt this good was before Keng's departure. Sigh. Missing people already. This trip was definitely awesome. After all the gloomy, stress, and Keng+Zuyet's departures, I really appreciated this. SO much.



Thank you Chyuan for carrying my stupid bag around for me! *grins*



Happy Birthday, Liz and Alicia! :)



They LOVE U of I!



Erm. XD

Don't you think my pose is starting to look like Kia Tzun's cliche pose?

When I think and think and think and wonder if I am right, I don't always find out if I am right. And when I do something, I always have this fear that I might be wrong and that it might just turn out wrong. I hardly ever know if I am ever right. There has never been an exact answer every time I question my own judgement.

I can dwell in front of the laptop the moment I wake up until the sun goes down. Just thinking. And that doesn't even mean I will get the right answer. Or the courage to do things that I think I need to do. Then I do the wrong things.

It is so agonizing when you realize that you've done the wrong thing the moment you do it.

When I see how I suddenly turned into the bad, the wrong, the villain, the horrible, and the hated, I wanted to just drown in the remaining bottles of beer in my refrigerator. I feel hated. Not forgiven, I am no longer the one who's always there and it does not feel good, because I do care, and I am sorry. But it just feels like it wouldn't suffice. Would it?

I am guilt ridden. And perhaps I am not hated. As always my judgements are always fogged and hazy. I do not know what now. But I am guilt ridden, and I feel hated. You know the feeling when the other person tells you it's okay, but you just feel that it's not? It is like, you are in your own little small team of soldiers and everyone else is against you, and then suddenly you question one thing, and you became the traitor and no one wants to talk to you anymore. It is the feeling when you think you're kicked out of the 'people whom you trust' list.

I made a promise to be there when no one else is there. I am saying I am keeping that promise. It's not for the sake of keeping it, it's because I really do believe.

Nobody wants to talk about it. It is like there're some things that you just don't talk about at a certain time, a certain place. I did just that very mistake.

They say it's going to snow today. Everyone is excited to see the snow. It would be the first time for all the freshies. I have never in my life seen real snow. Falling from the sky. White, clean, and light. That's how I have always imagined it. But my mind is not with the snow. No amount of white pretty snow would make me feel at peace now. There's always something about him that just makes me weak when I think I made a mistake or upset him.

Today I am just broken. This would sound really stupid, immature and pathetic, but I wouldn't deny that I still want to be the one he turns to his friends and say, that's her. I want to be the best friend. I want to be able to be there to wipe the tears away and give big hugs. I want to be included in every tiny details. It sucks not being able to just BE THERE because of the distance.

It seems so long ago when we were happy. I meant everything I said. I have come to decide that I can no longer filter my posts so much for the fear that I will be pushed away because of how I feel and close friends will turn into strangers.

I'm not good with words. But I am sorry and you must know I really am, and I care.

Are you still mad at me? :(

Today I woke up with the sun shining through my bedroom window. It has been raining and gloomy for the entire week. It's good to have the sun back again. :D

Yesterday I had the worst Calculus class ever. Calculus has generally been easy over here, compared to when I did Calculus 1 and 2 back in Intec. I would say that among all my classes, I am doing best in Calculus. And yet, I completely screwed my third mid-term paper (I really don't know why there's THREE midterms - it's not even MID term anymore =.=) although it was easy as shit. I mean REALLY easy. Was it over-confidence or what. But I studied for it the entire night! I guess it was over confidence. Or lack of sleep. I don't know which, but I failed to see so many things when I did the paper. You can almost call me blind. Anyway we had our usual discussion session the day after and usually we would get our papers back by then. Somehow the papers were not graded yet and instead, our TA just went through the questions with us. I swear EVERYONE in the class said it was too easy while I was sulking away. I didn't know why I stayed on in the class, I could have just left and saved myself from all the agony. The only thought that came to me was, "Everyone is going to get a 100 and I am going to get a 50. Great."

How can anyone screw such an easy paper?

So the class ended with me convinced that I would only get a 50.

But I had to get over it. It was just one paper. (wtf) I made a promise to myself that I am going to do tremendously good in the final paper. Haha. Right.

Anyway, in the attempt to make myself happier, I had lunch at Potbelly, which has amaaaazziinngg sandwiches. And some guy playing his guitar and singing. If it's near where I am staying, I'd go there everyday. That's going to happen next year. :D

I came back and slept and slept. The thing about sleeping is, the moment you wake up, you can't really remember what made you so sad but it sinks in slowly after that. At least for me. Sometimes. =.="

And what's with guys and empty promises? Why would someone say he's going to do something and then ALWAYS forgets it after that? I'm getting so used to it that I'm always telling myself, oh he's going to forget. He's going to forget. He's going to forget.

=.=

So. Food is always good. With guitars and music. We can always work out after the food. Oh and the hot tub. :)

So I woke up late today and there's the sun. I walked out to the balcony barefooted to see the sun. My feet was cold, but it felt good to have the sun in your face. Especially after such gloomy week. It's still chilly but it's sunny. Sunny is good.

It's going to be a good break. With me working on reports, my ME design project, studying, and spending time in Chicago. And of course, sleep. :)

I was supposed to wake up at 9 to start studying (after 2 days of slacking) for my exam on Monday. I know.



I woke up at 11, and started emo-ing.







Because he's leaving tomorrow. :(
(just realised that in the entire album of photos at the quad and all, this is the only picture we took together wtf)



That's how stuff always happen. People leave when I am just starting to get close to them. Or rather, I always start to get close to people when they are about to leave.


It surprises me that I got really comfortable with him within a few months that it makes me so sad that he is leaving. Who's gonna help me with Physics, gossip with me, play with me, and go to the gym and hot tub with me next time?

I didn't really know how I got close to him. We weren't exactly close the first two months I think. I was talking a lot more to Keng and it was after Keng left that I talked more to him, but I still don't know where it started. I've always known him as the guy who is really close to Keng and gets teased by Keng a lot. I think it was after our trip to the mall and I was tagging along as he taught Puiyin driving.


Except the part that he is really smart academically (Bronze Tablet okay!), he's just this guy who's so similar to me. He hardly ever says no. He's sometimes *coughemocough*. He thinks a lot (sometimes too much). He hates farewell (so much that he even considered leaving without saying a word - wtf!). He has many dreams unsure of - because like me, he tends to procrastinate too, although I am sure I am a worse case than he is. He loves sports. He is interested in photography. And most of all, he is really nice. :)


I really wish I can make him stay. Tie him up in a chair and don't let him leave. Kidnap him. Whatever. But I can't for I cannot be selfish. He's been here for so long, it's time for him to go back. His time here is over, now it's mine.

I actually went to bed last night, and dreamt that he wouldn't have the last dinner with all of us because he said he "wanted some private time off"' - in my dream. Then everyone started crying when we said our goodbyes in the middle of some pavement (weirdly). So I woke up feeling like I just finished crying wtf.


Hence, the emoness. It isn't exactly EMO. It's more like I'm dreading dinner time because it would be our last dinner together. :(

He kept telling me to study this weekend because he knew I have an exam on Monday and another on Wednesday, and despite that, I wanted to spend more time with him this weekend (plus the super wonderful weather that permits us to go out and hang out at the quad) because it would be our last. Then after supper yesterday, he told me I better study hard today. =.= Sigh. He's like that one. His constant nagging plus his age which is only a year elder than my brother - makes him such a brotherly figure to me.

So I better start mugging my ass off already, because I know he'll be nagging if he knows I am blogging right now.

Goodbye, for now. I'm really going to miss you! :(

I'm sorry about the way I have been. I've been in really sucky mood everytime I chose to blog. Or sometimes it's just that my mood turned sucky while I was blogging. So a supposedly happy post turned into a grumpy one.

Today's weather was actually really kind of nice. It was about 10 degrees Celcius, but I didn't feel very cold. And it was also sunny. As I walked by the quad, I was very tempted to just lie down on the grass and fall asleep. But I hadn't had any sleep the night before so a bed would do me much good. :)

I had to miss my Calculus discussion class this afternoon to attend a talk for part of my Asian American Studies assignments. Eboo Patel was a really good speaker. He spoke of his own identities as an Asian American - Asian, Indian, and Muslim - and how all the multiple identities are supposed to connect and inspire, not as a barrier in life. I thought it was a really good talk, especially when he started talking a lot about interfaith cooperation and how people from different religion should really work together rather than killing each other. Made a lot of sense to me, and I thought we really needed something like this in Malaysia, with all those racial and religion issues. But then again, I guess it's happening all over the world. As Eboo Patel said, right now religion is being talked about, but what's being said is that religion is killing people. We need to start talking about how religion is helping and connecting everyone instead.

Hmm. It makes the world sound really sad.

Anyway then I came back and totally died on my bed. I was waiting for anyone to call me to go to the quad. No one did. Sigh. A beautiful day wasted.

It's already dark at 5 these days after the daylight savings. I can't even go for Ultimate practice since my classes end at 5 anyways. I'm missing the sunlight a lot!

So, the Halloween. :)


The stars of that night. Two lovely ladies. =P

Rawr. Mafia and cat burglar. We're the bad people! *evil laughter*



Me, Esvina and Pui Yin!


Nadiah and I. She's some Star Wars character I think? Awesome hair!


The bitcheesss!! (Note the small 'b', Bitch! Don't get jealous!)

Who wants a fight? Catgirl and Batgirl?

Valerie! Sweet scary doll girl thingy. =P

Then Freddy the Burger King got horny.

And Freddy poses super well when he's high. XD By the way I got shot RIGHT after this shot was taken. =.=

Darren, the rockstar who won't ever pose for my camera.

I love how everyone was practically KO in this picture, especially Freddy! Karleng's expression is priceless. :)


Rawr! See you next year, Halloween!

I wish I have a nice comfortable couch for me to slump in while blogging over here. But maybe not. It's 3.03 a.m. and I am supposed to be studying. Nice comfortable couches will just make me fall asleep.


It has been pretty hectic ever since Physics started. I have to try so hard to make sure I am keeping up with the Physics syllabus which is something really tough for me to do. And I also have to make sure I finish my Physics homework AND Calculus homework in time, which are both due every Tuesday (which I am very sure I have already mentioned gosh I am such nerd) of the week.



I seriously have no idea WHY am I blogging about my studies. I'm mainly blogging to keep my mind of things for a while.


Please don't have the impression that I am not happy. I am very happy with my life here. I just have some unresolved issues. And the studies.



OKAY now I am not happy.

I tried putting up the photos for Halloween because I told Shine I would. I am now very disappointed with blogger. I don't know why but arranging the pictures is so difficult! I cannot arrange it properly and it's taking me such a freaking long time I might as well just go to sleep.


THAT just completely ruined my already not good mood. And you want to know why?? I feel ignored okay and I have no IDEA what the problem is. I'm asking for help, and I am being ignored. Thank you so much. Pfftt.

I am just going to bed before I start swearing in my blog.

I'm sick of black. These days I've been in love with colours.

Like this.



So I've decided to change how my blog looks. It took me a long time finding a template I really like. I think I am liking a lot of pink, purple and red. I couldn't find a decent purple one, so it was either red or pink. And pink is too.. not me. :P

As always, I took forever to decide on the one I want and I don't know how I came to choose this one.

The blog title is still Black vs White. It'd be weird to change it. So it shall be black and white, with a lot of red. :)

I'm having a little problem with the template though. I'm losing my links to other blogs. -->

:(

I'm gonna try to get it all back.

secretly desiring.

I walked out of the lecture hall today, cursing to myself, while Kent Yee walked silently beside me after discussing the questions a little bit, probably sensing the terrible mood I was having after Statics test. Some random kid skateboarded past me.

I thought to myself, why am I not that kid? Why am I not one of those kids who are art majors, skateboard to classes, and never have to worry about forces, moments, pressures, atoms, heat and when the next allowance will be coming in - just inspiration and future.

I see myself becoming more and more like those people who sleep in the library, have no time for sports, and do homework on a Friday night and throughout the weekend.

I've pratically lost all my options in being an art minor. I'm going to have a life of an engineering student. Dream did not come true. So tell me, what do I do?


I haven't been on my best mood these days. I've been going to the library a lot because I find myself focusing more on my studies when I am at the library - peer pressure. Everyone in the library is studying. If they have their laptops it is usually for homework or serious studying stuff, not facebook or twitter. Speaking of which, my laptop practically just died on me. It wouldn't start. It is just - dead. *mourns*

BUT I guess it is a good thing. Being in the library I mean. At least, I have nice seniors who are helping me SO MUCH with my subjects, (who stayed up the entire night with me to help me with my homework :)) and I don't break down easily when there're people around me. :)

I should be so grateful.

I am seriously wondering. Am I cut out for Ultimate at all?

My mood has been fluctuating. This is bad.

With Keng leaving, cold weather, weight gaining, wallet getting lighter, and most of all, people annoying me. I mean, seriously, I don't know where all my tolerance for people went. I used to have so much tolerance. So much so that I always get taken for granted. I still get taken for granted. I just seem to feel a lot more upset over little stupid things.

Like how I don't see myself graduating.

Like how I am behind the Calculus schedule for a week and am struggling to catch up or I won't understand a thing in class.

Like how Statics lectures don't make sense to me.

Like how I couldn't sleep last night because someone ( I don't know who, sorry whoever ) decided to have breakfast at 4.30 a.m. and made a hell lot of noise in the kitchen. And I was trying to sleep.

Like how I don't like wet bathroom floors.


I should seriously get a grip.

I am in between happy and upset. And I'm straying towards upset.

You know what, forgot all that I said. I am just confused about how I am feeling right now. I don't know if I am happy or upset. And it's making me so tired trying to figure out how I am supposed to feel.

I don't want anything now. I just want someone to cheer me up. Whichever way.

It sucks not to have anyone to tell to. I have expectations. I deserve to have expectations! Why do I have to go through this shit all over again? Seriously!

I woke up this morning to realise that I do not have my morning class today, so I went back into my room, looked at my Calculus notes and some questions, watched Grey's Anatomy, and now I feel like taking a nap, again.

So this post sums up everything I've been up to the past weekend, because I simply am too busy for three different posts. :P

When people asked me what activities we do during Mid-Autumn festival each year, I really couldn't think of any, except playing with lanterns and eating mooncakes. I know there're games like some Chinese riddles and stuff, but being half banana, that really doesn't appeal to me at all. XD So playing lanterns and eating mooncakes were all that we did this year, again, despite the cold weather!

I personally think I cannot manage parties very well, so I pretty much handed the whole socializing-as-a-host thing to Pui Yin. There were so many people coming to our place that we hardly had a place to move around. Some of the closer people ended up going into the rooms to lepak. And I learnt that when you have a party in US, you get unknown people coming into your house. I saw people that none of us knew, even Pui Yin. Hah.

But I don't get why so many people think that playing with lanterns are for small kids. Hey, I play with lanterns every single year of my life during each Mid-Autumn Festival! I think it's pretty normal and fun! But then again, I am someone who plays with big colourful watergun and balloon hammer. :)

We celebrated Yon Chiet's birthday as well. ^__^

The next day I overslept. I was supposed to be ready by 7.30 a.m. but I woke up at 7.40 a.m. when I heard Pui Yin's voice. LOL. Then I headed off to Chicago with the MaSA group of people and met old friends.

It felt like Intec all over again. I talked to people I hardly talked to when I was in Intec. In a way I felt like a hypocrite. I don't know. Maybe it's because we're now in a foreign land, and being Malaysians gives a sense of warmth and home. So we became friendlier?

But seeing everyone again was good.

Like people from Purdue. I literally screamed when I saw them.

Tong Wei, whom I've not talked to, not even once, until that day. Weird right. In Intec two years, both from Melaka, but never talked to each other. Now that we're here only want to talk. =P

A bunch of guys from all over.

And Hafidz. :)

I think I was kinda hoping that everyone would have plans to stay over and hang out. Looks like I was the only one with that thought. I felt a few hours just weren't enough. Because no one was planning to stay over, I sort of forgot about my plan to stay over. But a spontaneous decision was made, and me, Eric and Happy stayed over at Northwestern for the night.

Northwestern was a really nice place but I didn't have enough time to go sightseeing and taking pictures. :(

I am envious of their living conditions. So much better than ours! Although I'd prefer to have my own room (Tong Wei and Chyuan made the dining room and living room their rooms XD), their place looked so nice and cosy!

Tong Wei's messy dining room.

Chyuan's side of the apartment - the living room. Too bad he wasn't there. Frisbee tournament more important meh!

It was freezing in Chicago. And the RAIN! But I am not sick of the city yet. :)

I met the love of my life. Cheesecake Factory. ^_____^

I swear if they have a Cheesecake Factory here, I'm going to indulge in their cheesecakes and go broke and fat! Thank God it's so far away from me! XD

I'm halfway through the week, and I still have a test, a quiz and a homework due. Sigh. I'm

looking forward to the weekend again! For now I'm going to try to be a nerd. @.@

When are we going shopping and Cheesecake Factory again? :)

I'm so messed up. I really am.

Why did I even bother to go and break my own heart? I should have stayed on the path and not let myself stray away. If you ask me, I seriously did not know what I was expecting. I did not know what I was hoping for. And I shouldn't even have had any hopes. I am the world's dumbest person.

You were right, Kelvian. I was stupid. So very stupid. And pathetic. I still am. And I keep doing stupid things that I know I shouldn't. And I still want to do stupid stuff.

Now I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so trapped. And it's like I am just trapping myself in this mess, secretly not wanting to get out. T.T

What's more depressing is how I need to force myself to do my Calculus homework and not let myself cry.