Black Vs White

Summer has been well, summer. It's really warm, reminding me of Malaysia all the time. And people are not around. I have no classes, no work, nothing to do everyday. This always gets the worst of me.

I'm hanging on and spending a lot of time with the remaining friends here. Spending too much time and money in the recreation room. Spending too much time in the room. I need to get out of this place. It's empty, vacant, quiet, and warm. I sometimes feel like I am living alone here.

The most I can do is cook and make people come. The one thing I really hate about living away from home is when there's no one around and I am stuck in the house with absolutely nothing to do. I am a person who needs company, and I need to hear and see people around me.

I have a living room which is almost all the time abandoned. There's no TV. No one eats out on the dining table. Everyone stays in the room. I have a room all to myself. And a double bed with no one to share with and wake up to.

So I spend my days hanging around, trying to get out as much as possible. Going to the rec room almost every night, even though there's really nothing for me to do there that doesn't involve money. Spending my days thinking how to make things right. What to say. Filling the empty space. Holding on. Wondering what really, is right.

I haven't been blogging a lot lately. I'm always waiting for the right words to describe exactly how I am feeling. The right words never seem to come. It's getting so hard to blog. And it's hard to sleep when it feels so empty, yet I can't be sure what I am feeling. I don't know what I want.

What is this that I am feeling?