Black Vs White

Being 21 didn't really feel much different to me, except for the realization that I am now an adult with a mindset of a teen still. So much has changed, so fast, in the past couple of years. I also seemed to have lost a lot of my tolerance for small petty things and I get angry too fast. Too judgemental, despite not wanting to be judged now. It's ironic. But it has also helped me see so much. I was vulnerable, weak, and stupid. These days when I lie down on the bed and try to sleep, I can't help but feel so grateful with how I'm blessed with so many people who care for me, back home and here. That however far down I fall, I know I am loved. And sometimes I wonder, is this good karma, or is this God?

Whatever it is, I am thankful that despite what I have had to deal with and as things look a little bleak now, I still see the sunshine and the rainbow.

Thank you everyone for the birthday wishes and presents! Andrew and my housemate had a surprise birthday party planned for me the day before and despite me not being completely surprised (who still gets surprised about birthday parties nowadays anyways), it was awesome and heartwarming. I am just overly suspicious of EVERYTHING on my birthday. Like how he didn't want to let me go home (after work) to change into something nice for our dinner that night (how can right! 21st birthday must let me wear nice nice ma!) and got me all emo, and like how he didn't want to rent a DVD and watch a movie with me at home after dinner (it was only 9 and he said he wanted to sleep!!) and got me even more emo after that. Turned out that it was because everyone was preparing and waiting to surprise me when I get back. =)

Heh. Must think of better excuses next time so that I don't emo on my birthday lah! =P And I still haven't gotten my 21st birthday drink!

Here are my resolutions:

1.) to lose 13kg by May (REALLY WORKING ON IT ALREADY OK DON'T LAUGH)

2.) to try my best to get a 4.0 (or 3.5 and above) for my psychology subjects

3.) to be less bossy when it comes to the bf

4.) to appreciate people around me more and not let anyone down again

I had a lot, but I temporarily forgot them as I blog (as usual duh).

Chinese New Year is approaching again. EXCITED!

These days, I seemed to have lost my words. I hardly know what to say or talk about anymore. Everyday I would look at my blog and think, oh I'll talk about this, I'll talk about that, and in the end lose myself in some other stuff that I do like chasing after a Singaporean drama series and refurnishing my boyfriend's apartment.

It has come to a point in my life where I worry that I will not be good at anything at all. The thought that I am not good enough at everything that I am possibly good at wouldn't stop haunting me no matter how many times I've been told that people who are good at something will never think that they are good enough. All my life I have believed that my passion lies in art. Today I doubted myself. I became scared. What if one day I discover that art isn't what I am most passionate about? What if I discovered that I am just not good ENOUGH? What if I am not good ENOUGH in culinary arts, photography, painting, designing, and all the stuff that I dream of doing? What if one day I discover that I don't like these fields better than I like engineering?

Maybe it's catching up with 21, when everything isn't just "JUST do it" anymore.

Despite all those thoughts, today was quite an optimistic one. I have a plan, a course of action, and with all gratitude, I have the support I needed.

So glad that I am done uploading all the millions of photos from my California trip on facebook. Time to sleep!