Black Vs White

I'm in the engineering hall again, making it a point to finish as much as I can today. The weekend, is once again gone by Saturday morning. Everything is a rush. I rush to eat, so I can have more time to do my work. I rush to bathe. I rush to do those tiny little daily things.

I was trying my best to just keep my mind on the homework and not wander anywhere else on the internet. But I keep wanting to look everywhere on the internet, that might tell me what to do. Give me a solution. A hint. Make me feel better. I don't feel it there. I'm trying to find a single thing that would assure me. I wish I don't feel this deprived. And empty. Maybe he was right, how can I survive this, if this is how I feel? Such temptations to just move away and do what everyone else is telling me.

But how can I?

I was doing my homework, and I heard silent sobs behind me. I wondered if I should have turned and asked if she was alright. But I remembered that one time I was crying in class, and this guy beside me absent mindedly told me I should bring some tissue paper to class next time and do something about the flu.

But concern came later from friends I am growing to love. I stopped crying and can't seem to cry about it anymore. I tried, but I couldn't.

I wish we can talk about it and not argue. I wish we can stand by each other's decisions even though we may not agree to them. We talk to each other so seldom nowadays that we are boring each other out. Am I on the verge of losing a best friend?

It's lonely in the engineering hall when my friends are not here.

And spring is almost here.

Yesterday morning, I woke up feeling suprisingly fresh and energized. I dressed up, took some coffee, and I felt so ready for the rest of the week. And marches off to class.

I must have been home for only 5 hours max. Because I later spent the night in the Engineering Hall. And I am still here.

Tired, drained, and longing for the voice of love and support. And a hug. Huge long hug.

Another one tonight, and I can then catch some sleep and watch Valentine's Day tomorrow.

Counting down to the day I see you again.

I don't know what to do anymore.

What have I done with my life? :(

The days are just getting so much more tiring. My afternoons are torturing and I sometimes find myself wishing that there are night classes instead becasue I am so much more awake at night. I have been dragging myself through the week. Like a zombie. Every morning that I have dragged myself out of bed, I longed for the weekend even more. And this is what, the third week of class?

I feel like I am getting nearer to the point of exhaustion and I don't know how long I can take this. This thing about hating what you do. It's too exhausting. Talked to Mei Yueh who probably hates it as much as I do. I didn't even know what to say, considering my current standing right now. Would I be happier doing art? Would I learn to hate art 20 years later? I don't know I don't know.

All the choices - aren't choices for me.

About a week ago, I was told that a guy I knew by name, left the world by choice. It was shocking that he left, but by choice? Facebook walls were filled with sad, grieving messages. The emotions. I never knew him personally, but we've gone to tuition classes and I've seen him around since so young. I know so many people who knew him. It makes you think about the choices people make. I wished I could ask him why. I cried thinking, what if it was someone close to me? How did his family feel? How did his friends feel? I am that weak at handling emotions.

So understand that I am emotional and I get sad, and sometimes I have the rights to be sad without having to feel bad about being sad. I get sad at things that may seem trivial to you, but you might not understand how it can affect me and you might not understand why. But that's okay because I don't expect you to understand why. I get sad and I say things because I cannot be sad and not say it out. And when I don't mean to let you know, it means I am sad but I don't want you to know because of what you might think when you know that I am sad. Because what you think might not be true, and it might not be like that. Therefore I get to be sad and sometimes you don't have to know because you don't understand. Please don't make me guilty of being sad. It has been a tiring week.