Black Vs White

The days are just getting so much more tiring. My afternoons are torturing and I sometimes find myself wishing that there are night classes instead becasue I am so much more awake at night. I have been dragging myself through the week. Like a zombie. Every morning that I have dragged myself out of bed, I longed for the weekend even more. And this is what, the third week of class?

I feel like I am getting nearer to the point of exhaustion and I don't know how long I can take this. This thing about hating what you do. It's too exhausting. Talked to Mei Yueh who probably hates it as much as I do. I didn't even know what to say, considering my current standing right now. Would I be happier doing art? Would I learn to hate art 20 years later? I don't know I don't know.

All the choices - aren't choices for me.

About a week ago, I was told that a guy I knew by name, left the world by choice. It was shocking that he left, but by choice? Facebook walls were filled with sad, grieving messages. The emotions. I never knew him personally, but we've gone to tuition classes and I've seen him around since so young. I know so many people who knew him. It makes you think about the choices people make. I wished I could ask him why. I cried thinking, what if it was someone close to me? How did his family feel? How did his friends feel? I am that weak at handling emotions.

So understand that I am emotional and I get sad, and sometimes I have the rights to be sad without having to feel bad about being sad. I get sad at things that may seem trivial to you, but you might not understand how it can affect me and you might not understand why. But that's okay because I don't expect you to understand why. I get sad and I say things because I cannot be sad and not say it out. And when I don't mean to let you know, it means I am sad but I don't want you to know because of what you might think when you know that I am sad. Because what you think might not be true, and it might not be like that. Therefore I get to be sad and sometimes you don't have to know because you don't understand. Please don't make me guilty of being sad. It has been a tiring week.

Enough sad talk. I will try to do as much as I can tonight. I have a crazy Thursday and Friday coming up.

And where is my money, JPA!