This might just be one of my last posts in a long long time. I haven't found much motivation to talk about anything at all. Maybe it's because I just grew tired of talking. Every other conversation is filled with little awkward pauses here and there, and I find myself too lazy to think of anything to talk about or ask about. Gone were the nights of endless chats and giggles. Maybe someday when I stop being such a sloth, I'll find that self again, and live.
Stepping out of the plane, I was so excited I thought I was just going to combust right there and then. Instead of being the usual wait-for-everyone-to-leave-first me, I marched right up the exit and then endured another painful half an hour or so for the luggages to arrive before I finally stepped out into the arrival hall where my family waited for me and greeted me. I took a step out of the airport to test and see if what my friend told me about the humid air suffocating her is true. The air felt heavy but definitely not enough to suffocate me.
It might as well have suffocated me right there and then. I love home, the comfort of family and all the food I have been craving for two years. But as I lay on the bed every night waiting for something exciting to happen, old familiar feelings build up inside me. Feelings I haven't felt for two years, feelings I've forgotten I ever had. A little lost, I wondered if I still belonged. I long for something, and I'm not quite sure what. Maybe it's the distance away from A.Chu, and I have forgotten how to handle distance. Maybe it's the part of me which cannot stay at home and do nothing all day. Maybe it's because none of my friends are around in Melaka. Maybe it's the other part of me which thinks too much as always.
Past feelings are haunting me as I sit around and wait for this something I long. Just as I've been waiting before I left the country. It's a little like deja vu. It's also quite surprising that I've pretty much lost my interest in cooking since I came back home, like how much my interest in cooking only started in the States. Is this it? Have I lost my purpose?
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