How much more stupid can this become.
Do you remember the last time we watched fireworks together? At the strike of midnight, we were right beneath it, and I was just looking right up at the fireworks, but really, I was looking at you.
I have escaped to Blogger for a while to try to take my mind off some very frustrating units conversions that I SHOULD be able to do but it's messing with my mind right now. I feel like I am getting the hang of the concepts, and if I only practice a bit more I would be able to do it, but the only thing that I can't seem to be able to do is, surprisingly, the units conversions, most basic stuff of all. I am frustrated.
Dreams are fading fast the older I become. It seems to me that I remembered almost all of my dreams when I was still a little girl, and I never understood why my sisters could forget their dreams. But for the past few years, I've been slowly forgetting a lot of my dreams. I would be fully aware that I've had a dream the night before but details are just too blurred and hazy. I try to remember nice ones though, like when he appears in my dreams and we're just having a wonderful time, holding hands and everything seems to be perfect. Still, sometimes I can't remember all of it. Today's dream was awfully weird and a little scary. I was in the Union and walking back when I saw firetrucks lining up in front of the building, and people were shouting that there was a fire in the building. I peeked into the building and I saw fire, and for some weird reasons, gun shots. Like those flashes of gun shots you see in the movies. I ran back and I see flying dinasours from far. There was also something about a neighbour who had a crazy boyfriend and rescuing her from him. I remember being very afraid that she was going to turn evil because I saw it in her eyes. I woke up with my heart beating really fast.
Summer has been well, summer. It's really warm, reminding me of Malaysia all the time. And people are not around. I have no classes, no work, nothing to do everyday. This always gets the worst of me.
I'm hanging on and spending a lot of time with the remaining friends here. Spending too much time and money in the recreation room. Spending too much time in the room. I need to get out of this place. It's empty, vacant, quiet, and warm. I sometimes feel like I am living alone here.
The most I can do is cook and make people come. The one thing I really hate about living away from home is when there's no one around and I am stuck in the house with absolutely nothing to do. I am a person who needs company, and I need to hear and see people around me.
I have a living room which is almost all the time abandoned. There's no TV. No one eats out on the dining table. Everyone stays in the room. I have a room all to myself. And a double bed with no one to share with and wake up to.
So I spend my days hanging around, trying to get out as much as possible. Going to the rec room almost every night, even though there's really nothing for me to do there that doesn't involve money. Spending my days thinking how to make things right. What to say. Filling the empty space. Holding on. Wondering what really, is right.
I haven't been blogging a lot lately. I'm always waiting for the right words to describe exactly how I am feeling. The right words never seem to come. It's getting so hard to blog. And it's hard to sleep when it feels so empty, yet I can't be sure what I am feeling. I don't know what I want.
What is this that I am feeling?
Exactly WHAT is wrong with hating drinking and playing card games?
Greetings from East Lansing. :D
I've got no strength to stop crying.
I am hungry and waiting to go for dinner. Meeting up with Freddy who's going back on Friday and not coming back EVER till next year. And my final paper is on Thursday morning! Then I'm packing up and heading to Michigan. Yay!
Finals week isn't good for me. I am not doing very good at all. But I am doing pretty much my best. :/
I've also been very sleepless (which isn't good during this time of the semester!) - I don't know if it's me being to nervous and my brain's constantly wondering everywhere, or if it's the coffee. And then I started being scared, because the thought of "something" disturbing me came to mind. It sounds ridiculous even to me, and I was never a person who believed in stuff like this. Not really anyway. So I panicked and cried and calmed down, and had some chants playing in my room for the first time ever. Then I had a looong talk about religion with a non-Buddhist friend.
Whenever it's about religion, I am never too sure. I've been to temples and I've been to churches. I feel at peace at both places. But I can never really decide on what I really believe in. A huge part of me believes in Buddhism because I've been raised up to be a Buddhist, although not a very strong one. But I'm never really sure. And for the most parts, I guess I've always just procrastinated on deciding. Both makes sense to me. Deciding and weighing the logics of both is just too much hassle. Faith? Hmm. My friend said that religion is about experiencing it and then believing it. Truth to be told, I haven't had much of experiences in this.
I am confused.
And I was still sleepless after trying very hard to look for peace so that I can sleep and rest enough for exams. I did get some sleep last night though. Good thing. Maybe I just need to fix my sleeping schedule.
Right now, I need to go for dinner, come back and study and study and study (because I just wasted the afternoon watching Ip Man 2, which is super awesome. IP MAN IS MY HERO!), take the exam on Thursday morning, then pack up to go to Michigan. I've been counting down since forever! :D
Can you tell I am excited? <3
