I am very easily motivated. I think.
I am motivated when I am studying with friends, and I see how they can go on for hours, and just go on and on, maybe taking short breaks in between. Then I tell myself, hey, I can do it too. I am then motivated.
Sometimes I think that there's something in my head that keeps telling me, you can, just push harder. And then I tell myself, I can, I just need to push harder. I am then motivated.
I sometimes think about the promises I have made to my family, and how everyone is striving so hard and so well. And I can't see a way I can even consider giving up. I am then motivated.
My seniors tell me it is doable, and that they did it. So why can't I? So I tell myself I can do it too. Nobody is born genius. I can if I just push harder. That's what I tell myself.
But I am also very easily demotivated. When I work so hard and still get below satisfactory grades for my tests. When I realise just how much I hate what I am doing, and how I loathe the education system for not giving me the chance to do what I really want to do, and how I loathe the fact that I can't seem to find a way out of this. When I keep thinking that this is not what I am going to do in the future, ever. This is not what I am supposed to be doing. Yes, people say grades aren't everything. Sometimes I think that only applies to people who CAN afford to do what they want, are doing what they want, and are getting B to A range grades for their exams AND are not at the risk of getting expelled. It doesn't apply when you are under a scholarship and are at the risk of dropping out.
And people who complain about getting an A- or an A instead of an A+.
I am at loss.
But right now, I am again telling myself to just work harder. Because it just seem too far-fetched to give it all up. I wish someone could tell me I can actually let it go. At one point, I did believe I was going to do it.
But today, right now, I am going to try one more time, and see how it goes by the end of the semester.
Because now I've too much to give up if I give up. There's just too much for me to let go.
Spring break is ohmigod FINALLY here. I swear every single person I know in UIUC has been waiting for this break for too long. It didn't help much that so many of my friends from other universities had their break so much earlier and I had to be tortured by their vacation pictures all over USA.
Like the one in Disneyland. OMG Sanddy Wei Lun Alicia ChenKhuan Foongyi!!! Noooouuuuuu..!! Wei Lun had this picture of THE CASTLE at night, with awesome fireworks in the background. Omg I swear I almost fainted. I think I would if I see it in person. Gosh. It's like my childhood dream! I remember when I was young we used to have this video tapes (yes back when we still have video tapes) of Disneyland - there'll be stories, lessons, songs - kinda like a musical thing if I didn't recall wrongly. And there's Mickey and Minnie Mouse. Donald and Daisy. Snow White and the Witch - and the apple. And the part I loved most, was the part with the castle, and all the characters were just dancing and singing, so happily like they have nothing else to care in the world, and the song "When You Wished Upon A Star" was sung. THAT is probably my all time favourite Disney song. :)) And then there's the fireworks. Oh and Cinderella and her Prince kissed, on the cheeks because the video was meant for kids haha. I think that is still the most beautiful scene I've ever seen or dreamt of. The Castle. ^.^
I MUST go there someday! To be honest, sometimes I dream of getting married there. *daydreams*
That's the kid in me, that will probably never grow up. :)
But MY spring break is here, and I'm not going anywhere.
I know. =.=
But I am broke. So I'm trying to be REALLY positive and taking this as a REAL break. That means, I am going to sleep all I want. And study at my own pace (for the exam after the break sigh). And spend the day with Mr. Cuddles. :)
Oh yes.
Mr Cuddles.
:)
I am also waiting so patiently for everyone to be back. It feels so quite after everyone else left for some vacation. I don't like quiet sometimes. And it's cold too omg. It was like snowing again. Isn't it spring already???
Let's just hope it gets warm again, and I'll get to do my bbq that I have been wanting to do for so long!!
Oh and let's get the dresses and shorts out again! :D
We've fought so much over the past year. Cried. Said nasty things to each other. Stopped talking.
But now we're here. We're here. It seems so unbelievable to me even until today, that now I'm finally assured. I still look at the pictures and messages, thinking of the things you've said to me, and wonder, is this really happening? What if I wake up one day, and it's all just a dream, like how I've been waking up from these dreams I've had of you, so many times disappointed and wished I could just go back to sleep. I've been thinking for the past few days now.
But this is it. I know this is real. It's too real to be a dream. :)
Now that you're gone, I only have the pillows to hug. It was weird to walk alone the day I sent you off at the train station. It was so hard watching you leave. And when I come back home everyday I miss you even more.
But it's okay, because now I can think fondly of how it feels to have you hold my hands, and how it feels being so close to you. How you breathe so heavily, and how I notice how heavily I breathe too when I'm so close to you.
It's cute how you can be sensitive and romantic the ways I never thought you could be. :)
I love you, and will definitely see you again. :)
p/s: I'm making a collection of bears now! :P
The book I want from the library is checked out until half an hour later :( So i'm taking this time to blog. I noticed my last post was.. ages ago.
I don't know if it's just me, or it's just been too tiring. All the rushing assignments and catching up lecture materials for exams is really too heavy. At least for me. And I've been reminded, in some very harsh ways how I have been complaining all the time. It has not been a good month for me. I don't want to give excuses for my behaviour, but I just want to be understood and accepted.
I'm making it a point now however, to stop complaining so much because I do realize how all these workload is taking the toll on me and making me such a bitter person. Hmm.
I find joys however every Friday. By Fridays, I would always be dead - zombie dead - and sleep past dinner time. But I like to make it a point to just go out and do something on a Friday night, since it would be the only night I would be able to find some time to laugh and talk happy stuff. :)
It's Tuesday now. Three more days to Friday! :D
As of Monday, Physics will officially end - with the final paper - and I will be a bit happier I hope! Carefree days seem too long ago.
Trying so hard to do so many things. Do you remember back then when we used to sit on the swings and talk when I tell you I'm sad and stressed up, but mostly I just wanted to spend time with you? Once I asked you what's the difference between me and her. I thought of that moment and can't help smiling at it. :)
It's three more days to Friday. I can't wait. :))
