Black Vs White

I am very easily motivated. I think.

I am motivated when I am studying with friends, and I see how they can go on for hours, and just go on and on, maybe taking short breaks in between. Then I tell myself, hey, I can do it too. I am then motivated.

Sometimes I think that there's something in my head that keeps telling me, you can, just push harder. And then I tell myself, I can, I just need to push harder. I am then motivated.

I sometimes think about the promises I have made to my family, and how everyone is striving so hard and so well. And I can't see a way I can even consider giving up. I am then motivated.

My seniors tell me it is doable, and that they did it. So why can't I? So I tell myself I can do it too. Nobody is born genius. I can if I just push harder. That's what I tell myself.

But I am also very easily demotivated. When I work so hard and still get below satisfactory grades for my tests. When I realise just how much I hate what I am doing, and how I loathe the education system for not giving me the chance to do what I really want to do, and how I loathe the fact that I can't seem to find a way out of this. When I keep thinking that this is not what I am going to do in the future, ever. This is not what I am supposed to be doing. Yes, people say grades aren't everything. Sometimes I think that only applies to people who CAN afford to do what they want, are doing what they want, and are getting B to A range grades for their exams AND are not at the risk of getting expelled. It doesn't apply when you are under a scholarship and are at the risk of dropping out.

And people who complain about getting an A- or an A instead of an A+.

I am at loss.

But right now, I am again telling myself to just work harder. Because it just seem too far-fetched to give it all up. I wish someone could tell me I can actually let it go. At one point, I did believe I was going to do it.

But today, right now, I am going to try one more time, and see how it goes by the end of the semester.


Because now I've too much to give up if I give up. There's just too much for me to let go.