Black Vs White: August 2010

2:02 AM

Hypocrisy

Posted by Yuinyi |

Leaving home a year ago was leaving all my wounds, all the drama behind, and starting fresh again. Coming to a completely new place, and making new friends, forming new relationships. Having the slightest bit of hope somewhere in my heart, that perhaps it would be less complicated, and everything would be simple.

I stepped foot here with a backpack. My two huge luggages, filled with my clothes and all my other necessary stuff were left behind at the airport as my flight got cancelled. It was about 2 in the morning when I took the first step out of the somewhat old, empty and overly priced bus into Champaign. The air was as fresh as the fresh start I've wanted.

My first few months here was completely happy. I met some people that I grew close with over the short period of time. Some people I got very attached with. To me then, there was no drama. Everyone was nice. Everyone was happy. Everyone was honest and true. I've never been so happy and contented since I can't remember. While some of my friends who went to other states and universities for their studies complained about unhelpful seniors and having to do a lot by themselves, I was grateful that the people here were really helpful and kind. What else could I ask for? I loved all those moments hanging out, having people for dinner at my place, and all the laughter during the weekends. To me, we were all just completely unprejudiced towards each other. I did not see much drama going on, and I was happy. Maybe things could be simple.

But then again, people say I'm too trusting. Or maybe I just jump to conclusions. It takes time to see what is really going on. It takes time to realize and see those stories that has BEEN going on since before we get into the picture. We don't see it at first, but as times goes by, as we get to know a little bit more here and there, and putting all the pieces together, we begin to see what's really going on. It's as my math professor said, seeing the forest despite the trees. or maybe it was seeing the trees despite the forest.

I've never been happier, yet I have never been more disappointed in the things I see. It's not back-stabbingly severe, but the acting and prejudice alone are too much for me to handle at this point. If I step out and make my point, will anyone listen to me? Or will I just fall victim to the acting, hushed gossips, and prejudice?

Or perhaps, am I just as hypocritical?

craps (2)

1:37 AM

Summer-Fall

Posted by Yuinyi |

I've gained some weight. :(

Time to hit the gym again! Played some badminton a

nd swam about 20 laps today. *tired*

Oh and wish me luck in my job interview this Thursday! Maybe if I get the job I'll be able to go somewhere end of this year? :D

First reading material from Rhetoric 105 was emo. :( But I think I might just like that class. :)

My self-decorated lamp. *heart*

The humongous burger that we had one day during summer - too unhealthy. But looks good, no? :P

The cinema we visited in Chicago just the other day, when we went to pick up a friend. It was near the airport and it was beautiful! It was the best cinema I've visited since I came to the US and the seats allow you to lean back! :D

This is one sampat moment. I wrapped him up with toilet paper and drew a face on it. XD It was really difficult to take this picture because I was laughing so hard I couldn't keep still.

This one was taken after he tore it up - like a monster.

The house has been a little too quiet lately.

I no longer feel it - or am I just suppressing it so much?

craps (0)

12:29 PM

Interesting stuff in class today

Posted by Yuinyi |

Fluid Dynamics, which has a pretty interesting lecture, although it sounded a bit tough. My lecturer from Spain showed videos of the Spanish World Cup victory, bombs, rockets, airplanes, and.. this.

craps (2)

2:55 PM

Closure

Posted by Yuinyi |

Perhaps this is only for the better. It's funny how we had exactly 5 months together. I wouldn't say that I've not considered putting an end to things. But I was just too weak to make that move. It's the literal pain I feel that made me so weak. Do you know that pain, invisible yet so strong it felt like it is suffocating you every night? Everytime I even consider walking away, I feel that pain.

It was a stupid mistake from the start. I never should have even given in an inch when I was already determined to start afresh and back on track. I was once again, weak, stupid, naive. Today, I looked myself in the mirror and asked, "why are you so stupid?". I made the same mistake twice. Sometimes I wonder why I keep doing this to myself. It's just too exhausting. I guess my need for attention and his need for non attachment exhausted both of us out.

Everyone has tried to stop me from hurting myself for the past two years, but I've trusted my heart and not my mind. Perhaps, as a friend has said, being with someone you love with all you have isn't always the best and right thing to do. Because that someone needs to be able to love you just as much. That someone, needs to learn how to love in the first place.

A lot of people probably think that I am an idiot, and I can't help thinking that I am one too. Making the same mistake twice. Letting myself be so open and so vulnerable. But is anyone in love reasonable at all?

For something that I've went through so much shit, tears and pain for, anyone would have thought it should be stronger than this. Who would have thought that it should be so short-lived?

I think that this is the time I stop allowing myself to get hurt and disappointed. For 2 years, I have given, loved, laughed, fought, and cried. It's time to stop all the drama. My tiny heart has been crushed over and over again, I think it needs some healing now. For I deserve better, and I know it. This is not the first time I am going through this, and I should be able to get myself back up soon enough.

Both times, I have seen and felt the love and care from my friends. Times like this, I cry not because of a broken heart, but because of how grateful and touched I am for the friends who stood by me, however far away they are from me. Sometimes I am ashamed of myself for not being as good of a friend as they are to me. Perhaps I am also just as selfish as he is, so who am I to blame him.

I wished I can say that we are still friends. But right now, I just can't. You know how some people say there'll be a guy you always go back to. This is the guy, and this is the guy I cannot be friends with for my own sake. It's not that I hate him. Not really, it's just that right now, I need to think and care for myself. It has been way too painful, and I think I need to be away and get some closure. Perhaps we would meet each other some time in the future, and perhaps then I will be ready to smile and say hi. But that time is not now.

Call me a drama queen, but right now I need to learn to stand up again, and it should be with no mention of this guy I loved so much.

craps (11)

12:57 AM

Lesson number 1

Posted by Yuinyi |

Never set your moving date the day before your two very crucial final exams.

GG.HAILAT.COM

craps (1)

8:35 PM

Wednesday

Posted by Yuinyi |

Today I moved some furnitures I inherited (lol) from some seniors who lives several blocks down the road from my new apartment, to my new apartment. Who would have thought one standing lamp and two boxes were that hard to carry down 4 blocks. But then again, I wasn't the one carrying a a bookshelf and a TV shelf. And nope, the stupidly crazy weather did not help. I swear I got sunburnt by just walking out around campus today.

It reminds me of what Alfred from The Dark Knight said, "Some people just want to watch the world burn." or something along that line. There's no relation. I just like the way he said it. :P

My chest hurts now. And I feel really tired. How to study you tell me. How.

And I have postponed my trip to Michigan. So I've decided to spend that one extra week I'm going to be here to be artistic. I can't wait to move in to the new house and start decorating my room!

I really want the string lights like this.

Isn't it the prettiest thing ever? YES IT IS!

And I am planning to (if I am not too lazy) to try to do some wall decals on my own, because buying it is just so expensive!

I can't wait! :D

Still trying to figure out how to get my Domo army on the walls, since I can't paint the walls.

HMM.

"Officially" moving tomorrow.

By the way, I don't think I have officially introduced my second blog yet. It's called Cooking is Great! (lol) and it's just a bunch of us Malaysian students who love cooking and crave for Malaysian food and out of random decided to have a blog together yay. (yea who knows can be famous one day as food bloggers and earn money weeee~) Go visit for some yummylicious photos and recipes! :)

Kthxbye. :)

craps (2)

1:59 AM