Perhaps this is only for the better. It's funny how we had exactly 5 months together. I wouldn't say that I've not considered putting an end to things. But I was just too weak to make that move. It's the literal pain I feel that made me so weak. Do you know that pain, invisible yet so strong it felt like it is suffocating you every night? Everytime I even consider walking away, I feel that pain.
It was a stupid mistake from the start. I never should have even given in an inch when I was already determined to start afresh and back on track. I was once again, weak, stupid, naive. Today, I looked myself in the mirror and asked, "why are you so stupid?". I made the same mistake twice. Sometimes I wonder why I keep doing this to myself. It's just too exhausting. I guess my need for attention and his need for non attachment exhausted both of us out.
Everyone has tried to stop me from hurting myself for the past two years, but I've trusted my heart and not my mind. Perhaps, as a friend has said, being with someone you love with all you have isn't always the best and right thing to do. Because that someone needs to be able to love you just as much. That someone, needs to learn how to love in the first place.
A lot of people probably think that I am an idiot, and I can't help thinking that I am one too. Making the same mistake twice. Letting myself be so open and so vulnerable. But is anyone in love reasonable at all?
For something that I've went through so much shit, tears and pain for, anyone would have thought it should be stronger than this. Who would have thought that it should be so short-lived?
I think that this is the time I stop allowing myself to get hurt and disappointed. For 2 years, I have given, loved, laughed, fought, and cried. It's time to stop all the drama. My tiny heart has been crushed over and over again, I think it needs some healing now. For I deserve better, and I know it. This is not the first time I am going through this, and I should be able to get myself back up soon enough.
Both times, I have seen and felt the love and care from my friends. Times like this, I cry not because of a broken heart, but because of how grateful and touched I am for the friends who stood by me, however far away they are from me. Sometimes I am ashamed of myself for not being as good of a friend as they are to me. Perhaps I am also just as selfish as he is, so who am I to blame him.
I wished I can say that we are still friends. But right now, I just can't. You know how some people say there'll be a guy you always go back to. This is the guy, and this is the guy I cannot be friends with for my own sake. It's not that I hate him. Not really, it's just that right now, I need to think and care for myself. It has been way too painful, and I think I need to be away and get some closure. Perhaps we would meet each other some time in the future, and perhaps then I will be ready to smile and say hi. But that time is not now.
Call me a drama queen, but right now I need to learn to stand up again, and it should be with no mention of this guy I loved so much.
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Here's some food for thought =))
"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.
A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.
A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life…"
Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman’s Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia)
You know, I saw the trailer the other day. I really want to watch that movie. :)
Thanks, maybe this whole thing is just to build me up to be a stronger person.
*if i could, i'll reach my hands out and hug you, yuin yi*
that's what relationship is all about- somehow, we can't bertepuk sebelah tangan. and many elder people have been advising me; "it's better to go for a guy who chose you first, rather than a guy whom you chose first. somehow, we ladies are always at the losing end.
shake the grief and pain away, yuin yi. and tell yourself that you deserve someone better. and that god will place him there- at the right time and at the right place.
it's easier said and done, eh?
sigh, and i've yet to experience it myself also. lol, perhaps you yg sepatutnya be advising me. lol
takpelah, worst come to the worst, we will only end up in PBSM ma. The Persatuan Bujang Sampai Mati.
cheryl :)
said then done*
yuin yi, hug hug!!!
i agree on the part of finding someone who will love you as much you love him back. like maybe a cute fluffy dog. or cat. =p
and again, if you think you need attention, then i'm the world's most humongous attention seeker. at least, in the top few =P
take care and huggies. will a cute fluffy elmo make you happy? i'll get you one if you say it will =)
Cheryl: Thanks. :) True that, then again, I have a friend who told me that he actually prefer girls who go after him first. LOL pelik kan. Tak pe, you also slowly take your time. Hopefully tak payah end up in PBSM la. I dari IJC pun PBSM sudah sampai mau mati. :P
Siang: Thanks Siang. :)
Liz: LOL I am a bit scared of dogs. :P And taking care of animals... well I need to take care of myself first. :P Thanks, Liz. Don't worry bout the elmo. :)
awwwwwwww yy ! dont bee to sad over it, you'll be up and running again soon ! i miss the happy and laughing-mad yuinyi ! XD
-bleed black- :P
Hahahha wtf. Bleed black. Why you bleed black?!
LOL anyway thanks. :)
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Hey nice post! I would click LIKE for 10000 times if there's one. because everything is so true! ganbate and you will be able to pull through!
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