Black Vs White

Every time we hug and part ways, the little bit of sad tugs on my little heart, as if we won't see each other tomorrow or a few hours later. I can't really put into words what this feeling is. Am I getting too used to being around people that I have forgotten how it is to walk home on my own?

It's always bothering me how attached I can get to people and how much attention I might need. Every time I get too used to being around certain people, not seeing them a day or two leaves me lost. It affects me so much, I try so hard to hide it but I always fail myself. The moment I let someone in to my life is the moment I forgot how to be independent. I want to be pampered and have people cheer me up, but wouldn't that be a little too selfish of me, to expect them to know and selflessly care, to let myself and my little pathetic emotions get in the way of their lives?

In the midst of everything going on - exam, endless homework, labs at 8 a.m., halloween, work, family, friends - I can't really tell what's bothering me so much, or upsetting me so much. My life is as good and wonderful as it can be right now, yet it is as if something is missing. What is? Why does it never seem to be enough? I don't know what else I'm looking for, or what I want right now. I don't know if I just want to talk to someone, or be around people, or have friends to study with. Or perhaps it's just too much of little troubles and I just need some rest. A week off would be good. I want to sleep in, cuddle and talk and laugh in bed. I want to go to bed early, and wake up early to have breakfast downtown. I want to sit by the window and read a book at my own pace. I want to go on a date and get flowers. I want to watch a movie. I want to be pretty.

I keep telling myself, it's only 3 more weeks to fall break. 3 more weeks to catch up with a little bit of rest and to sleep-in. I just need a little bit of strength to keep going on and do my best for this test I have tomorrow. But with the mental state that I'm in, I'm not sure if anything I read or study would actually stay in my head.

People are clawing their way to be at the top, I'm just trying to stay afloat and figure myself out.