Black Vs White: 2011

8:57 AM

Bring me home

Posted by Yuinyi |

This might just be one of my last posts in a long long time. I haven't found much motivation to talk about anything at all. Maybe it's because I just grew tired of talking. Every other conversation is filled with little awkward pauses here and there, and I find myself too lazy to think of anything to talk about or ask about. Gone were the nights of endless chats and giggles. Maybe someday when I stop being such a sloth, I'll find that self again, and live.

Stepping out of the plane, I was so excited I thought I was just going to combust right there and then. Instead of being the usual wait-for-everyone-to-leave-first me, I marched right up the exit and then endured another painful half an hour or so for the luggages to arrive before I finally stepped out into the arrival hall where my family waited for me and greeted me. I took a step out of the airport to test and see if what my friend told me about the humid air suffocating her is true. The air felt heavy but definitely not enough to suffocate me.

It might as well have suffocated me right there and then. I love home, the comfort of family and all the food I have been craving for two years. But as I lay on the bed every night waiting for something exciting to happen, old familiar feelings build up inside me. Feelings I haven't felt for two years, feelings I've forgotten I ever had. A little lost, I wondered if I still belonged. I long for something, and I'm not quite sure what. Maybe it's the distance away from A.Chu, and I have forgotten how to handle distance. Maybe it's the part of me which cannot stay at home and do nothing all day. Maybe it's because none of my friends are around in Melaka. Maybe it's the other part of me which thinks too much as always.

Past feelings are haunting me as I sit around and wait for this something I long. Just as I've been waiting before I left the country. It's a little like deja vu. It's also quite surprising that I've pretty much lost my interest in cooking since I came back home, like how much my interest in cooking only started in the States. Is this it? Have I lost my purpose?

craps (24)

5:11 PM

Flowers Gleam and Glow, Let Your Powers Shine

Posted by Yuinyi |

SPRING! It's finally really here, although some couple of weeks ago it was still pretty chilly. But chilly is the best. Not too sunny not too cold. Spring is the time of the year when I'll be in the best of my moods. =D

Frozen yogurt with Poppings, oh so good. =)

While the flowers are blooming and birds are singing and squirrels are chasing each other, I'm currently working on my portfolio (my first one omg) and trying to get into an art class (yay) next semester. Drawing so much in a week makes me realize that, man, this is tiring! Plus - where do people get their inspirations from anyways? I've been stuck with nothing to draw for the past couple of days, only to resort to drawing some still life stuff just to have some varieties in the stuff that I'll be presenting. Too many portraits surprised me because I am just so bad at drawing humans that I avoid drawing them altogether, USUALLY.

I guess my friend was right. I don't want to be a fine art artist the rest of my life. Too tiring, too mundane. And I hate details. I can do it, but I'll get bored of it. (thank god for psychology!) No matter, I still do want to learn to draw better. I still dream to be a photographer.

I look forward to the end of the semester (not for Summer weather though), to Midwest Games, and to home where all the wonderful sinful food are. ^^

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6:08 PM

In the right place

Posted by Yuinyi |

The problem with me is that I focus so much on the things that I am not good at/feel bad or unhappy about, so much so that sometimes these thoughts blind me from all the other aspects of my life. In psychology, this is a type of cognitive distortion called mental filter, or even disqualifying the positive. *pysch nerd mode*

Psychology is probably one of the best choices I have made regarding my academics thus far. It is something that came about from a very forced, do-or-die situation, but it has proven to be great so far. For someone who evaluates herself so much, perhaps even excessively at times, psychology has definitely opened my mind about how I am seeing myself, or how I should NOT be seeing myself.

For example, how I tend to feel that people are constantly judging me. Based on what's happened with my academics. Engineering to psychology. Not exactly the ideal asian parent's or asian kid's ultimate-huge-moneymaking course or profession. This is also the reason why I've tried to restrain from talking about this change to people around me. They are my friends, but in my little mind at the back of my little head, they are constantly seeing me as incompetent and lazy, resulting in my situation today. That might probably not be true at all, because they ARE my friends, and the reason why I am brooding about how people are viewing me is probably because of the nature of myself as a pretty judgmental person in the first place, which is regrettably quite sad but true.

It's hard when people are discussing engineering terms and I am no where here nor there. I kinda know and I kinda want to say something, but I also worry that I might say something incorrect (based on my somewhat shallow knowledge of engineering materials) and end up just looking stupid. That's the ego in me. Believe me when I say my ego is about the size of a guy's ego. And we wonder how I get along so well with guys without a clash of ego.

But when I think about it, life has never treated me better. Sometimes I want to yell out to the world just how happy and contented I am today. Yes, I have failed in engineering and I have let down a lot of people around me in the process of trying and still failing. I've let myself down, most of all. And just when I thought that all is lost, here I am, still alive. I never expected another chance, but here I am doing psychology. It's funny how psychology was just one of the courses that I just looked past when I was skimming through the list of courses to choose from when I was applying for the scholarship. This was the mentality - engineering, medicine, architecture. Nothing else. I never imagined that I would be here, reading about brains, how people think, and why people become sad or happy. But then again, I never imagined I would be in the US either. You know how some people always say that education should be about learning, and not pure studying? This is how I feel today in contrast to how I felt half a year ago - it's like life telling me that it has all these planned out for me after all. Things like this brings me back to what my friend has told me long long time ago - "If things doesn't go your way, God has other plans for you." In my case, "Life has other plans for you" would probably fit my situation more.

Everyday now I remind myself how lucky I am to have failed my engineering course - the irony of it - and how lucky that I have had my first relationship breakup, because right now I feel that I am finally in the right place with all the right people and the right life.

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2:46 AM

These Dreams

Posted by Yuinyi |

I get frustrated and upset at the most unreasonable things. I was at work today and did not have any proper lunch, for 6 whole hours - cravings for assam pedas and Malaysian food just got more and more intense as I sat through that 6 torturous hours, and stupidly looking at more photos of mouth watering food, wishing I was at home and had the luxury of just taking the car out to Kota Laksamana and getting a hot piping bowl of assam pedas with my favourite steamed rice, salted egg, and vegetables.

There, I just got myself hungry again.

I got off work looking forward to heading home to cook something up for myself or heading out for dinner with some friends, but when I found out that my friends had some very late lunch and were not planning to have any dinner, my heart sank to the bottom of the Pacific Ocean and I got pretty upset because, putting aside the months and months of dreaming about assam pedas, I really just want to eat.

It was really unreasonable of me. Really. I just get so cranky when I get hungry. Restless. Upset. Unable to focus. Vandalizing every single thing I can get my hands on. It gets pretty bad, like PMS.

But everything gets better when I get my hugs and my food. Rice. Korean Al-Tang (fish egg soup) will do for now. =)

My boyfriend said that my blog is wayy too emo. But my last post was happy (and about him!)!

Valentine's Day- aside from being a year since my first date with my boyfriend (first real date with a guy in fact), first time receiving roses, and first Valentine's where I don't have to sulk at home because I don't have a date- is just one of those little things that continuously reminds me of how much I have in life today, how much happier a person I have become over the past half a year (even though I still feel cranky about stupid stuff), and how much more contented I am today. So much to look forward to, so much to feel happy about. It may not exactly be living my dreams, but there's just too much to be contented about that it doesn't really matter (like Korean Al Tang and a bf's hug when I am sulky). I'm definitely not the same person as I was last year. Glancing into a year back, it's just sad if not shocking how insecure, unhappy, and untrue to myself I was. How did I get so sad, so unhappy?

I am glad I've given myself a chance. See darling, I am happy and not emo! =)

1. Happy and thankful for everyone who came and tried to surprise me for my 21st birthday, ESPECIALLY the creme brulee!!

2. Happy and thankful for close friends that helped me through so much, aside from the GOOD FOOD that was offered during our CNY celebration together! Would totally like to go over to Indiana again!

3. Happy and so thankful for a thoughtful boyfriend, who has made me happy from the beginning. Thank you for the Elmo darling!!! =DDDD

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6:09 PM

Being 21

Posted by Yuinyi |

The purple stars continued staring at me night after night, as I stared back into them every night, trying to fall asleep. Some of them dimmed away, but most of them stayed with me. Can they read my thoughts? There he was fast asleep, and I didn't know if I should shake him up a little.

So many thoughts, it was impossible to fall asleep. Exams. Electric bills. Finances. The pile of clothes left at my own room for the last two months waiting to be washed. My eyes were tired, but my mind was running everywhere.

I told him the next day, I didn't know how to be an adult. There are too many things to consider. How did my parents do it? It's scary thinking about it. I figured that it would probably be how it is right now, staying so far away from our parents and handling about everything on our own. It scared me a little to think that I might not have anyone to refer to in the future. Who am I going to talk to when I have doubts?

I looked at the scarf that I finally finished knitting and put it on him.

He looked back at me. "I don't know either. But in any case, I'm here for you."

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1:47 AM

Not to be said

Posted by Yuinyi |

Oh darling, I am just as scared as you are.

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11:45 PM

Hope is a good thing

Posted by Yuinyi |

It is hard to concentrate on anything right now as I am just waiting everyday for a verdict and an answer. It only seems to me now that as I am picking up the pieces again, that I am just wandering around aimlessly. I only wish for my reasons to be understood, and to be given another chance, and not be judged upon only based on what seems to be true. Seeing is not always believing, says my psychology professor.

Being 21 didn't really feel much different to me, except for the realization that I am now an adult with a mindset of a teen still. So much has changed, so fast, in the past couple of years. I also seemed to have lost a lot of my tolerance for small petty things and I get angry too fast. Too judgemental, despite not wanting to be judged now. It's ironic. But it has also helped me see so much. I was vulnerable, weak, and stupid. These days when I lie down on the bed and try to sleep, I can't help but feel so grateful with how I'm blessed with so many people who care for me, back home and here. That however far down I fall, I know I am loved. And sometimes I wonder, is this good karma, or is this God?

Whatever it is, I am thankful that despite what I have had to deal with and as things look a little bleak now, I still see the sunshine and the rainbow.

Thank you everyone for the birthday wishes and presents! Andrew and my housemate had a surprise birthday party planned for me the day before and despite me not being completely surprised (who still gets surprised about birthday parties nowadays anyways), it was awesome and heartwarming. I am just overly suspicious of EVERYTHING on my birthday. Like how he didn't want to let me go home (after work) to change into something nice for our dinner that night (how can right! 21st birthday must let me wear nice nice ma!) and got me all emo, and like how he didn't want to rent a DVD and watch a movie with me at home after dinner (it was only 9 and he said he wanted to sleep!!) and got me even more emo after that. Turned out that it was because everyone was preparing and waiting to surprise me when I get back. =)

Heh. Must think of better excuses next time so that I don't emo on my birthday lah! =P And I still haven't gotten my 21st birthday drink!

Here are my resolutions:

1.) to lose 13kg by May (REALLY WORKING ON IT ALREADY OK DON'T LAUGH)

2.) to try my best to get a 4.0 (or 3.5 and above) for my psychology subjects

3.) to be less bossy when it comes to the bf

4.) to appreciate people around me more and not let anyone down again

I had a lot, but I temporarily forgot them as I blog (as usual duh).

Chinese New Year is approaching again. EXCITED!

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4:14 PM

Let me.

Posted by Yuinyi |

All I am asking is for some trust and a chance for me to prove myself again.

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4:07 AM

Will the sun rise tomorrow?

Posted by Yuinyi |

These days, I seemed to have lost my words. I hardly know what to say or talk about anymore. Everyday I would look at my blog and think, oh I'll talk about this, I'll talk about that, and in the end lose myself in some other stuff that I do like chasing after a Singaporean drama series and refurnishing my boyfriend's apartment.

It has come to a point in my life where I worry that I will not be good at anything at all. The thought that I am not good enough at everything that I am possibly good at wouldn't stop haunting me no matter how many times I've been told that people who are good at something will never think that they are good enough. All my life I have believed that my passion lies in art. Today I doubted myself. I became scared. What if one day I discover that art isn't what I am most passionate about? What if I discovered that I am just not good ENOUGH? What if I am not good ENOUGH in culinary arts, photography, painting, designing, and all the stuff that I dream of doing? What if one day I discover that I don't like these fields better than I like engineering?

Maybe it's catching up with 21, when everything isn't just "JUST do it" anymore.

Despite all those thoughts, today was quite an optimistic one. I have a plan, a course of action, and with all gratitude, I have the support I needed.