Dreams are fading fast the older I become. It seems to me that I remembered almost all of my dreams when I was still a little girl, and I never understood why my sisters could forget their dreams. But for the past few years, I've been slowly forgetting a lot of my dreams. I would be fully aware that I've had a dream the night before but details are just too blurred and hazy. I try to remember nice ones though, like when he appears in my dreams and we're just having a wonderful time, holding hands and everything seems to be perfect. Still, sometimes I can't remember all of it. Today's dream was awfully weird and a little scary. I was in the Union and walking back when I saw firetrucks lining up in front of the building, and people were shouting that there was a fire in the building. I peeked into the building and I saw fire, and for some weird reasons, gun shots. Like those flashes of gun shots you see in the movies. I ran back and I see flying dinasours from far. There was also something about a neighbour who had a crazy boyfriend and rescuing her from him. I remember being very afraid that she was going to turn evil because I saw it in her eyes. I woke up with my heart beating really fast.
It happens a lot when I nap in the evening. When every slight noise would wake me up and cause those rapid heartbeats. He said my dreams are like Disney movies. I don't remember Disney movies being so weird and disturbing. Well, he never liked Disney anyway. But it felt good and not so scary anymore talking to him, and listening to his lame riddles that made me laugh so much. When we hung up, it made me miss him so much. It happens all the time. Too many times, I would remember all the things I wanted to ask him or tell him that I didn't get to say or remember to say when I was actually talking to him, after hanging up. It sucks because I need to constantly remind myself to tell him the next time we talk, and then when we talk again, I always forget again.
Today was also one of those days where everything happens. Confused by what I might have been causing some other people to feel, thinking if I have did anything wrong, yet I was the one giving the silent treatment. Somehow I guess I already knew the problem. Sometimes I think I have to think about everyone that I am getting close with. I get comfortable and close with people so easily sometimes, that I often worry if I might have sent off the wrong signals. I need to stop doing that because I need to care about the feelings of others, and the world isn't so perfect. But sometimes life is just awfully lonely without these people that you can really get close with without worrying about anything.
On the other hand, I am also glad that some other things are still getting back on track and looks perfectly happy and hopeful for me. I would say that it doesn't matter anymore that others can't understand. They simply don't.
Today, I am a mixture of happy and a lot of other mixed emotions. Exams are coming up this week, and I really need to ace it this time. I am really scared, and pressured with all the probation stuff. (My dad already freaked out seeing the letter, which I knew would happen sooner or later) I am scared, frustrated, happy, and confused about everything today.
And I miss him so very much.
