Black Vs White

I used to hate it when I see people getting depressed all the time. It’s like, ‘Oh I’m suddenly so depressed for no reasons lah.” I used to think, “What the heck lah, there’re people whose situations are worse than yours.” And I used to think that these people are just plain pathetic.

I just realised that I am no different from the people who get depressed all the time.

You’ve seen the endless complain posts I have in my blog.

You’ve heard me whine all the time about Calculus and Chemistry.

Yes, I have been getting upset a lot this semester. I have to say that Irvine makes me uncomfortable. In Boston, I used to feel I belonged. Not in Irvine, no. If I tell you that I don’t hate it, then I am lying to you.

I don’t like being the only person in class who can’t seem to solve a simple Calculus question. I hate being the only one in class who hates Chemistry to the core. I hate it when everyone is asking each other whether they have completed the freaking Chemistry assignment that was just assigned the day before and I haven’t even printed it yet. And I hate it when everyone is discussing Calculus and I don’t know a single thing they’re talking about. I just don’t feel like a part of the class.

In short, I am just plain dumb.

I don’t deny that my time management is poor. I take 2 hours to study something that my classmates would probably take 1 hour to study. That’s why I’m sleeping at 3 or 4 each night. I am not proud of it either.

Sleepless nights. Endless assignments. Endless tests and quizzes. Sometimes I just feel like letting go of everything. I should just quit studying and go sell satay at the roadside. What the hell am I striving so hard for exactly? It’s not like I’m going for the Ivy Leagues. I don’t understand myself either.

Right now, everything just seems wrong. The person who used to make me laugh till my tears came rolling down and whom I could call and talk to when I was stressed over algebra and trigo last semester doesn’t even have anything to talk with me anymore.

I probably won’t ever want to talk about this again. I’m so tired complaining and making people hate me for it. I don’t think you wanna see my ugly crying face. I know it’s irritating seeing someone get depressed all the time.

I know you hate this. I hate this too. I hate myself for being so weak.

Sorry to anyone whom I’ve pulled a long face at the whole week. And if I’ve put on a fugly dark face (with a dark gloomy cloud hovering over my head) and not smile as sincerely when talking, sorry to whomever had to endure that.

Yes I’m a sad dumb girl.

That, is what I hope to be the end of whatever nonsense you have to hear from me.