Black Vs White

When I think and think and think and wonder if I am right, I don't always find out if I am right. And when I do something, I always have this fear that I might be wrong and that it might just turn out wrong. I hardly ever know if I am ever right. There has never been an exact answer every time I question my own judgement.

I can dwell in front of the laptop the moment I wake up until the sun goes down. Just thinking. And that doesn't even mean I will get the right answer. Or the courage to do things that I think I need to do. Then I do the wrong things.

It is so agonizing when you realize that you've done the wrong thing the moment you do it.

When I see how I suddenly turned into the bad, the wrong, the villain, the horrible, and the hated, I wanted to just drown in the remaining bottles of beer in my refrigerator. I feel hated. Not forgiven, I am no longer the one who's always there and it does not feel good, because I do care, and I am sorry. But it just feels like it wouldn't suffice. Would it?

I am guilt ridden. And perhaps I am not hated. As always my judgements are always fogged and hazy. I do not know what now. But I am guilt ridden, and I feel hated. You know the feeling when the other person tells you it's okay, but you just feel that it's not? It is like, you are in your own little small team of soldiers and everyone else is against you, and then suddenly you question one thing, and you became the traitor and no one wants to talk to you anymore. It is the feeling when you think you're kicked out of the 'people whom you trust' list.

I made a promise to be there when no one else is there. I am saying I am keeping that promise. It's not for the sake of keeping it, it's because I really do believe.

Nobody wants to talk about it. It is like there're some things that you just don't talk about at a certain time, a certain place. I did just that very mistake.

They say it's going to snow today. Everyone is excited to see the snow. It would be the first time for all the freshies. I have never in my life seen real snow. Falling from the sky. White, clean, and light. That's how I have always imagined it. But my mind is not with the snow. No amount of white pretty snow would make me feel at peace now. There's always something about him that just makes me weak when I think I made a mistake or upset him.

Today I am just broken. This would sound really stupid, immature and pathetic, but I wouldn't deny that I still want to be the one he turns to his friends and say, that's her. I want to be the best friend. I want to be able to be there to wipe the tears away and give big hugs. I want to be included in every tiny details. It sucks not being able to just BE THERE because of the distance.

It seems so long ago when we were happy. I meant everything I said. I have come to decide that I can no longer filter my posts so much for the fear that I will be pushed away because of how I feel and close friends will turn into strangers.

I'm not good with words. But I am sorry and you must know I really am, and I care.

Are you still mad at me? :(