Black Vs White

Going back home drained me of some little strength I had. No, not the going home part, it's the part where I have to drag myself back here.

It was like I gave myself a lie - that I could run away for a while, and everything seemed so far away. Seemed so unreal. Did whatever happened, really happened? In the end, I had to come back here after all.

Standing at the bus station - alone - did not do me any good. Not that I could help it. My family had something on and I had to ask my aunt to drop me there. Blame it on me for buying the bus ticket so late and the only available tickets were for 8.30 a.m. and 8.30 p.m. and I didn't wanna come back too late.

When I stood there waiting, I felt what I felt when it was my first time coming to Intec. Two years ago, I was so reluctant to let my dad and my brother leave me here, but told myself I have to be a big girl. It was after all just Shah Alam, not very far from Melaka and it's not like I wasn't going back forever. I felt like I was that girl who cried everyday in Standard One again. I was that crybaby who felt scared when her daddy wasn't around to watch her. So afraid to put a foot forward. So afraid to talk. So afraid that her daddy won't be there to pick her up from school. So afraid to be alone.

When I first watched PS I Love You, I cried the entire movie, cried for Holly who lost Gerry. (oh yes, call me dramatic and over emotional but I am a girl who cries at movies) And I felt the pain, and wondered myself if I could die from losing someone I love so much, if I could bear to live everyday like Holly did, or if I would lock myself away like she did. I dread that thought since then. I don't want to have to endure that kind of pain. Because of my stupidity, my fear of losing the people I treasure, I pushed them away.

I am so stupid. I wonder if I am hated because of that.

Forgive me for my ramblings.

I should be happy. For the so many people who came and talk to me, tried to cheer me up even when they did not know what happened. Made me feel okay. Let me know I wasn't alone. I am okay. I am fine. With occasional stupid thoughts and regrets that kept pulling me back, before I find that strength to stand up again. And it goes on like that until who knows when.

So today when I arrived and took the taxi (which was freaking expensive, why did you give me EXECUTIVES taxi when I wanted NORMAL-i-don't-care-if-it's-buruk taxi??) I told myself - time to stand up, because the battle begins again!!

Because it's one week to FINALS!

*dresses up for war, arming self with machine gun* >.<


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