Black Vs White

What I would miss most from the US:

Unappreciative. Ungrateful. Stingy. Calculative.

Even the one week break was a hectic one. I must have lost more sleep over the break than during normal schooling days, with guests, dinners, Chicago, and shopping.

I would be proud to admit though, that I've spent so much less on shopping this year. A lot of money goes out to good food though. There were two pair of jeans, a shirt, and some uber colourful socks (because I decided to be colourful) and a LOT of good food. Good food more important than shopping? HMM.

Last year, I had this.

My oven wasn't able to fit the entire turkey (thanks to lack of planning and thinking ahead) and I had to cut it open to fit it in, which results in a not so nice turkey. Also, it was my first time making one, and I followed a recipe online to be safe.

This year, I've checked my oven and made sure the racks were adjustable so I can fit the turkey in, and I've also basically used my own instinct and recipe (that I've used to roast a chicken before) to marinate and roast it.

It turned out SO beautiful I could cry.

I'm a happy cook.

Also, we had Honey Glazed Ham, which I learned how to do with a little reference from online recipes, some advice from my aunt, and ideas and help from Andrew. It turned out even better than the turkey I would say, and it was just A.M.A.Z.I.N.G.

I also made some mashed potatoes, which I did some trial and errors for two days (that means two days of mashed potatoes for dinners before the real day LOL) and had help and improvisions from Andrew. Also amazing! Never thought I could do mashed potatoes ever. I always thought it was difficult for some reason. =P

Then there's the eggnog, that Andrew improvised and made it with his own recipe. Have I ever told you that he's amazingly good with drinks and desserts? Everyone was so thrilled since not many have tasted eggnog before. Amazing. =)

We also had a pie. Lemon Meringue. We tried doing it twice before the real day, resulting in throwing away 2 whole pies. In our final attempt during Thanksgiving itself, I really thought that it would work that time. After baking, it turned out so pretty. Who would have thought that it was still a failure. We cut it open, and couldn't figure out why the filling wasn't as hard as it was supposed to be. That was the one failure of the night. Even so, I took it out and had some people who stayed back to try the meringue. The meringue was definitely good though. =)

I wouldn't brag, but this is definitely one of my most successful dinners since I came over to UIUC. More like, most successful WESTERN dinner. =D

I'm a happy cook. Thankful for the wonderful food, all the help from everyone, friends who came over, a wonderful break, family, friends back home, still being in UIUC, sleep, and the wonderful boyfriend who did so much for me over the break, hardly got any credit for it, and most of all made me so happy for the last few months.

Now it's time to focus on the 2 lab reports, 1 research paper, and 1 homework that are all due in 48 hours. Wallah!

Random notes left on my dry-erase board. =)

Every time we hug and part ways, the little bit of sad tugs on my little heart, as if we won't see each other tomorrow or a few hours later. I can't really put into words what this feeling is. Am I getting too used to being around people that I have forgotten how it is to walk home on my own?

It's always bothering me how attached I can get to people and how much attention I might need. Every time I get too used to being around certain people, not seeing them a day or two leaves me lost. It affects me so much, I try so hard to hide it but I always fail myself. The moment I let someone in to my life is the moment I forgot how to be independent. I want to be pampered and have people cheer me up, but wouldn't that be a little too selfish of me, to expect them to know and selflessly care, to let myself and my little pathetic emotions get in the way of their lives?

In the midst of everything going on - exam, endless homework, labs at 8 a.m., halloween, work, family, friends - I can't really tell what's bothering me so much, or upsetting me so much. My life is as good and wonderful as it can be right now, yet it is as if something is missing. What is? Why does it never seem to be enough? I don't know what else I'm looking for, or what I want right now. I don't know if I just want to talk to someone, or be around people, or have friends to study with. Or perhaps it's just too much of little troubles and I just need some rest. A week off would be good. I want to sleep in, cuddle and talk and laugh in bed. I want to go to bed early, and wake up early to have breakfast downtown. I want to sit by the window and read a book at my own pace. I want to go on a date and get flowers. I want to watch a movie. I want to be pretty.

I keep telling myself, it's only 3 more weeks to fall break. 3 more weeks to catch up with a little bit of rest and to sleep-in. I just need a little bit of strength to keep going on and do my best for this test I have tomorrow. But with the mental state that I'm in, I'm not sure if anything I read or study would actually stay in my head.

People are clawing their way to be at the top, I'm just trying to stay afloat and figure myself out.

Wish I had more time.

JAY CHOU IS COMING TO THE US OMG.

How how how how how how how how how how how.

What about my Florida trip. Omg howw!!
I am so torn.


Florida or Jay Chou? Florida or Jay Chou??!!

RHET lecturer: You might be better than you think you are.

Me: *blush*

I came back from work, a little exhausted and slightly annoyed at the one guy who is always there every time I have my shift in the library, who kept asking me if the printer is out of paper when I have told him again and again that NO it is not, he just has to wait for a while for the printer to process the job.

The week has just started to get busy again with lab reports coming right up after the stream of exam last week. It was not as tedious and stressful, except for maybe Statistics. With Stats this semester, I've probably found that one thing I hate more than engineering. It's once again one of those many things that me and A.Chu differ in in terms of liking.

This is me today ---> ^_^

I'm feeling pleasant. I have TONNES to study for my exam tomorrow. But I am ^_^.

Weee.

I think it's the sleep. Sleep is good. I don't feel tired. Getting my hours back on track. Waking up early. Being hardworking at work. Boss said thank you. Meeting the boyfriend. Happy. Happy.

=)

I can afford to stay up tonight. I'm so in the mood. Oh and coffee. Yes coffee.

This is one of those simple, normal, NICE days that I can smile and study and hum to myself. Just nice and plain. =)

Did you change? Or did I just not know you when I thought I did?

My heart raced.

These days, Sundays = no sleep, thanks to the stupidly long lab report that is due every week. Since I have homework due every day of the week, the only time I have to do my stupidly long lab report would be the weekends. =(

And then when I get no sleep, I get so tired. And so emo. And so frustrated. All I want to do is sleep.

At the end of the day, I really want a huge hug and someone to talk to. But being me, I just end up pushing people away from me and pretending that I am okay, when I really wish that they'll ignore what I say and just come for me.

=/

I have issues.

Well. Let's hope I get some sleep tonight.

I'm going o.O looking at the lab report I am supposed to write by Monday. This is my first 20-over pages lab report and I am trying to understand exactly what we're supposed to write that's going to take up 20 pages. Sigh. Engineers.

The light tapping sounds of the student on the keyboard filled the air as he worked his way through his assignment that is probably due on Monday. It's the weekend and there are not many people in the lab. Out of the 40 workstations lined up in the lab, only two were occupied, and one more as another student walked in, with his white hoodie, a backpack, assignments and determination.

I've done my rounds, pushed in the chairs, wiped the workstations, arranged the keyboards so that they look perfectly lined up from the first workstation to the last.The sun is going down as the end of my shift approaches. The golden sunlight peeks in through the blinds. Just one minute later, they're gone. It has been a quiet day at work. No one has asked me any questions today, and I am glad. Ever since I started working, I've been stumbling through the job, trying to get answers to questions from students. It's just not as nice and easy as I thought it would be. Why does the computer says it needs a command line to print? Why does Firefox says it's already running but not responding? Why isn't any sound coming out from the computer? First of all, I don't even know what's a command line. I sighed inside, and tried my best to look as if I know something. Let me take a look, I said.

It's stressful to not know. Everyday at work I prayed that no one would come to me and ask me something new. That's how I am, too comfortable in my own comfort zone and often, stumbling and afraid whenever I come across something unfamiliar and unknown to me. But if there's no one to ask me something that I don't know, there's no way I'm going to learn about that something. That's also, most of the times, how I learn. By experience.

Maybe by tomorrow, I will know how to answer another question. Maybe by next week, I'll be able to answer another 10 possible questions. Maybe by the end of the semester, I'll be able to answer more.

Give me time, I'd like to convince everyone, I'll be able to do this.

What am I still so afraid of? What is stopping me?

I GOT THE JOB! :DDDD

Leaving home a year ago was leaving all my wounds, all the drama behind, and starting fresh again. Coming to a completely new place, and making new friends, forming new relationships. Having the slightest bit of hope somewhere in my heart, that perhaps it would be less complicated, and everything would be simple.

Perhaps this is only for the better. It's funny how we had exactly 5 months together. I wouldn't say that I've not considered putting an end to things. But I was just too weak to make that move. It's the literal pain I feel that made me so weak. Do you know that pain, invisible yet so strong it felt like it is suffocating you every night? Everytime I even consider walking away, I feel that pain.

It was a stupid mistake from the start. I never should have even given in an inch when I was already determined to start afresh and back on track. I was once again, weak, stupid, naive. Today, I looked myself in the mirror and asked, "why are you so stupid?". I made the same mistake twice. Sometimes I wonder why I keep doing this to myself. It's just too exhausting. I guess my need for attention and his need for non attachment exhausted both of us out.

Everyone has tried to stop me from hurting myself for the past two years, but I've trusted my heart and not my mind. Perhaps, as a friend has said, being with someone you love with all you have isn't always the best and right thing to do. Because that someone needs to be able to love you just as much. That someone, needs to learn how to love in the first place.

A lot of people probably think that I am an idiot, and I can't help thinking that I am one too. Making the same mistake twice. Letting myself be so open and so vulnerable. But is anyone in love reasonable at all?

For something that I've went through so much shit, tears and pain for, anyone would have thought it should be stronger than this. Who would have thought that it should be so short-lived?

I think that this is the time I stop allowing myself to get hurt and disappointed. For 2 years, I have given, loved, laughed, fought, and cried. It's time to stop all the drama. My tiny heart has been crushed over and over again, I think it needs some healing now. For I deserve better, and I know it. This is not the first time I am going through this, and I should be able to get myself back up soon enough.

Both times, I have seen and felt the love and care from my friends. Times like this, I cry not because of a broken heart, but because of how grateful and touched I am for the friends who stood by me, however far away they are from me. Sometimes I am ashamed of myself for not being as good of a friend as they are to me. Perhaps I am also just as selfish as he is, so who am I to blame him.

I wished I can say that we are still friends. But right now, I just can't. You know how some people say there'll be a guy you always go back to. This is the guy, and this is the guy I cannot be friends with for my own sake. It's not that I hate him. Not really, it's just that right now, I need to think and care for myself. It has been way too painful, and I think I need to be away and get some closure. Perhaps we would meet each other some time in the future, and perhaps then I will be ready to smile and say hi. But that time is not now.

Call me a drama queen, but right now I need to learn to stand up again, and it should be with no mention of this guy I loved so much.

Never set your moving date the day before your two very crucial final exams.

I need to:

In all those words of advice, she only saw the imperfections in her life and how far she is straying away from her plan. She knows what's been said is nothing but the truth, yet she wished she was understood more and not shoved with facts about life. All these things that life is throwing at her, she can't figure out. But perhaps she's just being petty. Well, what would you expect? Everything she has always believed in and has been proud of suddenly hits her in the face that it might not be as wonderful as she thinks it is. Really, she doesn't really know what she's upset about.

Rod Stewart has the most amazing voice. :)

Aaaand I'm supposed to be studying kthxbye. :P

Baking attempt 2 - succeeded!

How much more stupid can this become.

Do you remember the last time we watched fireworks together? At the strike of midnight, we were right beneath it, and I was just looking right up at the fireworks, but really, I was looking at you.

I have escaped to Blogger for a while to try to take my mind off some very frustrating units conversions that I SHOULD be able to do but it's messing with my mind right now. I feel like I am getting the hang of the concepts, and if I only practice a bit more I would be able to do it, but the only thing that I can't seem to be able to do is, surprisingly, the units conversions, most basic stuff of all. I am frustrated.

Dreams are fading fast the older I become. It seems to me that I remembered almost all of my dreams when I was still a little girl, and I never understood why my sisters could forget their dreams. But for the past few years, I've been slowly forgetting a lot of my dreams. I would be fully aware that I've had a dream the night before but details are just too blurred and hazy. I try to remember nice ones though, like when he appears in my dreams and we're just having a wonderful time, holding hands and everything seems to be perfect. Still, sometimes I can't remember all of it. Today's dream was awfully weird and a little scary. I was in the Union and walking back when I saw firetrucks lining up in front of the building, and people were shouting that there was a fire in the building. I peeked into the building and I saw fire, and for some weird reasons, gun shots. Like those flashes of gun shots you see in the movies. I ran back and I see flying dinasours from far. There was also something about a neighbour who had a crazy boyfriend and rescuing her from him. I remember being very afraid that she was going to turn evil because I saw it in her eyes. I woke up with my heart beating really fast.

Summer has been well, summer. It's really warm, reminding me of Malaysia all the time. And people are not around. I have no classes, no work, nothing to do everyday. This always gets the worst of me.

I'm hanging on and spending a lot of time with the remaining friends here. Spending too much time and money in the recreation room. Spending too much time in the room. I need to get out of this place. It's empty, vacant, quiet, and warm. I sometimes feel like I am living alone here.

The most I can do is cook and make people come. The one thing I really hate about living away from home is when there's no one around and I am stuck in the house with absolutely nothing to do. I am a person who needs company, and I need to hear and see people around me.

I have a living room which is almost all the time abandoned. There's no TV. No one eats out on the dining table. Everyone stays in the room. I have a room all to myself. And a double bed with no one to share with and wake up to.

So I spend my days hanging around, trying to get out as much as possible. Going to the rec room almost every night, even though there's really nothing for me to do there that doesn't involve money. Spending my days thinking how to make things right. What to say. Filling the empty space. Holding on. Wondering what really, is right.

I haven't been blogging a lot lately. I'm always waiting for the right words to describe exactly how I am feeling. The right words never seem to come. It's getting so hard to blog. And it's hard to sleep when it feels so empty, yet I can't be sure what I am feeling. I don't know what I want.

What is this that I am feeling?

Exactly WHAT is wrong with hating drinking and playing card games?

Greetings from East Lansing. :D

I've got no strength to stop crying.

I am hungry and waiting to go for dinner. Meeting up with Freddy who's going back on Friday and not coming back EVER till next year. And my final paper is on Thursday morning! Then I'm packing up and heading to Michigan. Yay!

Finals week isn't good for me. I am not doing very good at all. But I am doing pretty much my best. :/

I've also been very sleepless (which isn't good during this time of the semester!) - I don't know if it's me being to nervous and my brain's constantly wondering everywhere, or if it's the coffee. And then I started being scared, because the thought of "something" disturbing me came to mind. It sounds ridiculous even to me, and I was never a person who believed in stuff like this. Not really anyway. So I panicked and cried and calmed down, and had some chants playing in my room for the first time ever. Then I had a looong talk about religion with a non-Buddhist friend.

Whenever it's about religion, I am never too sure. I've been to temples and I've been to churches. I feel at peace at both places. But I can never really decide on what I really believe in. A huge part of me believes in Buddhism because I've been raised up to be a Buddhist, although not a very strong one. But I'm never really sure. And for the most parts, I guess I've always just procrastinated on deciding. Both makes sense to me. Deciding and weighing the logics of both is just too much hassle. Faith? Hmm. My friend said that religion is about experiencing it and then believing it. Truth to be told, I haven't had much of experiences in this.

I am confused.

And I was still sleepless after trying very hard to look for peace so that I can sleep and rest enough for exams. I did get some sleep last night though. Good thing. Maybe I just need to fix my sleeping schedule.

Right now, I need to go for dinner, come back and study and study and study (because I just wasted the afternoon watching Ip Man 2, which is super awesome. IP MAN IS MY HERO!), take the exam on Thursday morning, then pack up to go to Michigan. I've been counting down since forever! :D

Can you tell I am excited? <3

I need something or someone to talk to. Don't judge me. Give me some kind of support and confidence I need now, because I don't want to screw this up for myself.

I hate it that I take up to 10 hours to figure out what people would take 2 or 3 hours to do, and still I won't be able to always figure it out.

I hate that I have to work twice as hard as others, and still suck like hell.

I hate it that I am stoned right now and my homework is still undone after 12 hours.

Lately I haven't had much to say. I just want to post up pictures and random thoughts.

So I created www.joeynyi.tumblr.com .

But this blog remains, for me when I have too much to say.

:)

***

Spent a lot of time crying silently last night. Working on the homework with Yik Han tutoring me and felt very clueless. I tried not to cry, because I tend to when I feel utterly stupid and useless. But I was crying and nobody saw. It was as tiring as crying out in the open. I came back feeling so worn out.

But I woke up feeling okay today. Went around looking for jobs. Felt okay until I started thinking about how broke I am now. I need a job!

I'm really hoping the allowance won't be late this time. Please?

Have to get through this week, despite the emotions and hormone imbalance. I hate hormon imbalance. It gets me all messed up. Hmph.

I'm figuring out how to be happy again. :)

Because just talking or even getting a text from you, makes everything feels okay. :)

http://cosmicolour.tumblr.com

I haven't been feeling very hippy and happy the past few days.


I'm grumpy and cranky and annoyed. I'm tired but I'm busy. I'm frustrated and not satisfied. I'm pouting.


:(







But at least Daughtry was fantastic.

A story behind this photo. One of the most memorable moments. Funny but memorable.

Randomly joined a frisbee tournament without any prior knowledge on how to play the game.

Pink day. :)

Came across a picture of my now boyfriend - 3 years ago. *amused*

Randomly bought waterguns and have a watergun birthday party for the nanny.

Randomly hanging out at the court with a frisbee with two gals and two dudes. All makkaus.

Great times in Boston.

Forever messy.

I miss being 17.

being in my own room, doing my work at my own pace (not having to RUSH my homework for now), listening to Keith Urban (love country music!), and admiring the John Mayer poster in the room, and missing the boyfriend.

:)

Despite being annoyed to the max by a bunch of idiots acting like jerks today.

Bliss. :)

Finally able to get away from all the work for a while - just tonight though. I'm done with the second rounds of exams, this time better than the first I would say, but not great yet. I'm just contented there's some improvement, or at least that's how I felt after the papers.

This is how my room looks like after a week of mugging and rushing homework in between.

Also, Spring is wonderful. I'm loving the weather, the flowers, the warmth. So a bunch of us went around taking shots around the campus - of the blossoming flowers and the sun and the alive quad. :)

If you look close enough, you can see they are fighting for the disc. I miss playing like this. :P

This booth gives out free condoms. And when we looked at it, it says Made in Malaysia. :P

Look! This quad is crowded!

Met this cute boy in the quad. Didn't get his name though. ISN'T HE ADORABLE!

I love this shot. :P

That's me! Note: I am not actually this short, I was just kneeling. :S

Nice one from Yen Yee, Karleng and Valerie. Awesome people. :)

This flower plucked off the trees near the Gregory Hall. I liked it on my hair. ^^

It makes me happy. We should really go to the Japanese Garden sometime. I have a feeling it will be wonderful!

And things I really want to do with this super awesome weather:

-BBQ! omg I have been wanting to do this since so long ago.

-more photoshoots! I really need to try joining the photography club soon.

-getting my ass out of my bedroom and into the sun while making sure I don't get tanned. XD

-working out in the gym! yes, got teman can go liao!

-swimming (not playing water)

I can't wait for summer vacation really!

Plus, some pictures from the Grad Night this year. It was awesome! Finally an event where I actually get to dress up. ^^ And just the night before, I found this super amazing dress in my closet - given to me by my aunt. I didn't realize it looked that good until I tried it on. :P

Yen Yee and I. It's so easy and often that people get confused between the two of us. XD

Yoong Jie and I. Small boy. :)

The emcee of the night, Andrew, also the ex Fly FM Myvi Trooper. HAHA

The girls. Without Puiyin, something feels missing. XD

Esvina and I, somehow housemates, since we go and stay at the Engineering Hall so often together. :)

Valerie doing her thing - Jacklyn Victor's Gemilang. Awesome. :)

There are more pictures that I would really like to upload, but I am just too tired right now and I am in need of some good sleep. :)

And tonight I get to sleep! :))